The attempts I lived through

Hello again,

feel like I am close to rockbottom again, the intent is strong to try and commit again.

Yet I always remember how I lived through my previous attempts when planning.

in 2012 I finally passed my theoretical and oral exams for the vocational School I attended and had to find an internship for 6 months, then the last exam would take place. I wasn’t proud or felt accomplished that I was in the last third of my Training. There was no Feeling but emptiness.
I started the internship, kept my facade but two or three weeks in I snapped. My father took medication for his heart and… working in a pharmacy I had professional Information at my fingertips and inside my head.

So… one evening I snatched about 20 pills of his medication hoping it was enouhg to cause a fatal internal bleeding. The following morning at work I took’em. I felt an adrenaline Rush for doing it but it turned into Nausea about half an hour later. My coworkers said I looked really pale, on top I was getting dizzy and took  very deep breaths in order to stay “normal”. I was ordered to go to the doctor next door. He took a good look at me but couldn’t find anything.

I got cold feet for some reason. I was so determined and now I gave up just two hours later. I knew the drug was getting digested and resorbed, I hadn’t eaten breakfast. And I felt awful physically and for what I had done.

The doc called an ambulance, and handed me a prescription of Citalopram 40mg. The ambulance arrived with no siren and no lights since I was consious and cooperative.

Inside I was harshly interrogated by the paramedic. Why I would throw my live away with just 21/22. I would be so Young…. why don’t I think about my Family and such. I couldn’t say a word, like I was paralized.

The Medics brought me into the ER and put me into a bed ready for me and took a few blood samples. They brought me to the intense care unit and soon five People stood around me. A nurse pulled over some of their machines and Gadgets. Blood pressure was taken regularly they said. I got some IV’s in my other arm to wash out the drug outta my System.

The doctor said the drug affected my blood Levels and they’re abysmal. I could potentially bleed out with any kind of trauma or injury… that means I couldn’t leave the bed for 24 hours.

And all shook their heads in disbelief… “why would this young person do sucha thing”

Welp… time to call my parents I fucked it up.

They too, asked why I would do such stupid things. I saw them Show compassion for the second time…. the first was in 2009 where I was in a similar Situation just with my arms bleeding a lot.

They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. I had that for the entire 24 Hours I layed in bed. I was alone, noone to talk to and pretty much slept or drew into my sketchbook.

I had loads of time to think obviously…. I wanted to get better… I couldn’t let my fucked up brain win.

The next morning I was to be discharged. But only after the neurologist took a look at my case. Turns out… well… I should be moved to a mental clinic once again (2009 same deal, just skipped the ER and went bandaged up to the clinic on advise of my GP)

The stay in the clinic was even worse… Enclosed Ward, 6 days on suicide watch.

I could go… but had to visit the clinic’s psychologist.

And yes… it got better! not immediately of course. Took me about 4 years to come outta my Shell. I am still Kind of unstable and cut myself … or on one occasion chugged some chemical solvents. But all in all… yeah it got better because I believed in myself that I could change something about myself little by little.

thanks for reading.

Sincerely

-B_L