Ugliness Complex or why looks have begun to matter to me

Full disclosure I turn 30 next fall which is why i have set that as a date. My nearly 29 years on this earth ive spent extremely morbidly obese. When i turned 26 i started to care about my weight and lost 100 lbs over the next yearish then plateaued for the next yearish after that. I still work out and try to watch what i eat to this day. I throughout my life have been treated like a 2nd class citizens my entire life because of my weight and i didnt really become aware of it until i started the weight loss. I have about 40 more lbs to lose and i feel sick everytime I’m not doing something towards it. I realize at minimum 60 percent of my issues are weight based. It begins the negative feedback loop. In my head losing weight is eliminating a physical representation of my pain. It represents nearly 30 years of bullying, rejection, self loathing and bodily harm via over eating.

I still haven’t gotten to the point. Lol. I’ve become acutely aware that looks just fucking matter. It isnt an end all be all but neither is money or any element on its own. People treat attractive people differently at a subconscious level. Children treat attractive people differently. When people perceive you to be below average attractiveness you have to “make up for it”. You have to be funny or smart or a doormat for their approval i know from experience. Its similar to a physiological injury in which the body overcompensates for an injured area making supportive muscles, tendons, and joints overstress. I write topics about ugliness(more accurately being over weight but it is tantamount to the same thing) because it has effected my entire existence and only recently (2 or 3 yearsish) have i even noticed or given it credence. I’ll admit im angry at myself for not trying to lose weight when i was younger and had less to lose. Had i lost the same amount of weight @ 20 i would be well below my current goal weight. But i didn’t. I accepted that i was ugly fat and irrelevant. I now have less control because the older you get the harder it gets. Im angry that my life would be easier if i was skinnier. I hate that it isnt just my opinion or belief but a scientific fact. I hate that the etymology of ugly shares roots with evil. I hate that being overweight equates with ugliness. I hate that i could have possibly had an actual life if i was younger if i wasnt so fat. I wouldn’t have failed so often if i wasnt so ugly. I dont want to be obsessed with it its a slippery slope to falling into the same narcissistic bs the media sickens me with. Unfortunately someone being treated differently because of their looks isnt perception its reality. There are exceptions to the rules however i am not one of them.