I’ve had a crush on this guy at work for about 5months now and it only started because of him. He calls me beautiful and pretty and I’ve never had any person do that and mean it in a way that they are actually attracted to me. I’ve been alive for 19 years and no one has ever expressed interest in me. Everyone was always like “that’s okay, once you’re in college someone will date you,” but it always make me feel unwanted. After dealing with that for so many years, I know I dont deserve to be loved in that way. My mind is so completely fucked up that there is no possible way anyone would want me romantically or sexually. The only relationship my mind tells me I can be in is one where I am abused. I want to be in a relationship where my partner abuses me and tells me how worthless I am. I deserve that. But this guy, this guy at my work, he is so nice. He’s one of the nicest guys I’ve met. I want to date him. I want to ask him out or have him ask me out. But I know if I do somehow enter a relationship with him, I will fuck it up. I will fuck it up because I mentally do not deserve a nice guy like him. I feel like I will push him. I will try to push him till he hits me. Till he talks down to me. I don’t want to do that, but I don’t know if I could stop myself from doing it. I have so much anger in me. Every time I think about him I think about how he makes me smile. I don’t deserve that smile. I don’t deserve anything close to what he is. I will cause destruction in that relationship.
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Give it a shot you seem like a great gal to be In a relationship with and there’s more to gain than lose. I have short experiences in relationships so can’t tell you it will work out but I can assure you that your not worthless and probably better than most girls so why feel bad you got a world of possibilities and if he’s a bad guy leave him and go for the next one that interest you. I unfortunately learned this harsh lesson after feeling the same way with a perfectly compatible girl for me but my insecurities destroyed what could have been a nice experience
You need to change your mindset, why don’t you deserve it? Everyone in this planet deserves love. You owe it to yourself to change your mind, accept him, and feel like you do deserve it. You have to stop with the I don’t deserve love or kindness, and go for it.
If you really think you’ll fuck it up, then try out therapy before beginning a relationship. It is true that relationships can bring out the worst in us as well as the best. If you want to overcome your low self-esteem, then speaking on a regular basis with a counselor and sharing your thoughts with them might help. Please give it some consideration. You deserve happiness and you can find it, you just need to become mentally ‘healthy’ first.
Pent up anger, frustration…. sexuality…. craving for abuse…
Is it possible, maybe S&M is your thing. I mean, obviously don’t just approach him like “hey want to bound and gag me? Maybe beat me with a stick?”
Definitely pursue the relationship. Maybe you can find a pleasant balance of charming sweet guy, and dominating control. Since most people have multiple angles of personality.
I’m just saying, it’s possible you can have your cake and eat it too.
I like cake.
I would say at least try…. Maybe actually talk to him about how you feel first though so he will know what he’s getting into? Also as neph suggested counseling probably is a good idea. I wish you the best. ^_^