I’ve been cutting for a long time. It started small. It was no big deal. But it’s gone too far. It went from small cuts to straight up stabbing. Maybe it isn’t as bad as it could be. But I have been brutal to my body. It’s not for the pain. It’s for the blood. It’s like dying a little bit every time. But it has really gone too far. It’s getting hard to hide. I can’t pretend that I fell into a cactus forever. But I am really just scared for my health. I can’t let this much blood out of me constantly. I soaked so many shirts and pants. I just threw them out. But my skin. It is healing slower and slower every time. It scarrs more and more. I feel weak after it. And I can’t stop. It is so nice. Like dying forever. And the feeling I get. It’s great. Like white noise. I get buzzing when I do it. I don’t know if I cut to get rid of the buzzing, or if I get buzzing from cutting. I don’t know. Fuck my body. I like bleeding. What am I saying. I don’t know. I love it. I’m scared. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME. All cutting(actually no, stabbing) does is hurt people around me. I am a fucking piece of shit. I deserve pain. I’m gonna go stab myself more.
And after all this, I’m still scared. How can a six foot tall happy go lucky kind guy be scared? I don’t know. But I’m so scared. I’m scared for everything in this world. I’m a scared little boy.
I’m sorry that this has no form whatsoever. I’m just putting down my thoughts.
4 comments
It doesn’t matter who we are, every person is scared of at least one thing, concept, or idea.
It sounds like you’re addicted to cutting, as I guess you well know. As such, you’ll have to deal with it as one would with any other addiction. Try to get support, family, friends, a therapist. It’s crucial that you get support from others, it’s almost impossible to beat an addiction alone. Also, you have to replace the cutting with something else, something to take up the time that you would spend cutting. Try to find something that’s enjoyable, it will most likely not give the “high” of cutting, but it will be vastly more productive, and positive for yourself and those around you.
The thing is, it’s not really an addiction. I don’t get a high. I just want to see myself bleed. I deserve it. I’m a piece of shit. But it still scares me that I am actively choosing something that harms my health and gives me physical pain, without having a real addiction.
Well, in your description you say “I can’t stop”, “it is so nice”, “the feeling I get. It’s great”. That indicates full on addiction. “Highs” can come in many forms, don’t think of it in a drug/alcohol sense. Also, a person can almost get addicted to anything, and cutting is close to the top of that very large list. Trying to fight it as such would be the best course of action. You don’t even have to believe that you have an addiction, just use methods that come with combating addictions, if you want the best chance of beating it.
I’m 50 and have been cutting, self canulating and blood letting since I was 15. I also mostly do it for the sight of the blood. I hate myself and I blame my body for letting me down and destroying my life, so I deliberately hurt it. In 2009 I started abusing IV morphine and was injecting at least twice a day and each time I would firstly find a vein and insert a 23 gauge needle and just let the blood flow out or I’d use a 10ml syringe and withdraw 10 to 20ml of blood, then I’d squirt the blood over my arm or leg, wherever I had withdrew it from. It was just the sight of my blood that used to relax me and make me feel like I was getting revenge or payback against a body I hated so much.
After 6 years of abusing morphine and constant blood letting, I ended up in hospital with sepsis, nodules in my lungs, an enlarged spleen, kidney disease, liver disease , chronic low phosphorous, severe anemia and an unknown lymphatic problem. I had destroyed all my veins in my arm, hands, legs and feet and it took 4 Doctors with an ultrasound machine, about 3 hours just to find a vein and cannulate me before they could start the 3 different types of antibiotics.
I was extremely weak and my red blood cells were so low I was given a full body PET scan to check for Lymphoma but it was clear. The Doctors at first didn’t believe that I was losing so much blood everyday and were looking to blame Lymphoma or some other disease. They realized I was telling the truth and I had to have an iron transfusion to elevate my red blood cells.
I got to this point because I was covered in scars from cutting and thought it would be better if I just blood-let but I was losing far more blood this way. It’s a difficult thing to stop especially when it is the sight of your own blood that helps you. Squeezing ice cubes, hitting your arms with a ruler or flicking elastic bands does not work when it isn’t the pain that you are after. When you don’t care about living or dying, then you don’t consider the damage you are doing to your body. I was wanting to do permanent damage so I could just die without having to make a conscious decision about suicide and I felt it would be easier on my mother if I died from some self caused illness rather than suicide.
The only thing that has helped me at all is to try and refocus some of my anger away from blaming myself and accept that much of what I blame myself for has never been in my control. It is a difficult thing to do when you have lived a life of blaming yourself and had others tell me that it is my fault and I should be ashamed of being born a certain way. Work on changing the things that are in your control and try and accept that some things are not in your control. I wish you luck in beating your cutting, self harm problems but it wont be easy. I have just gone 8 weeks since last cutting which is about the longest I have ever gone. Good luck.