Malaise

First time posting here.

I’ve been, I guess you could say “actively suicidal” in the past.  Perhaps not currently.  But, on some level, I’m always thinking about it.

I feel tired.  old.  most of all, worthless.

I’m not who I set out to be.  I was reading someone else’s post on here about how it could take just one big thing to fuck up your life forever.  and yeah.  but, breaking it down, it’s probably not one thing or one event, but a whole series of things over a whole series of years.  or you hit so many setbacks, fallen off the proverbial horse so many times, you can’t get back on it again.  if you’ve already given up, how do you un-give up?

and maybe it doesn’t matter who I used to be or how I got here.  but I’m here now.

From one perspective, I’m a lazy moocher.  a boomerang generation, I think is the cute way they put it.  an adult who, post-Recession, moved back in with their folk(s)…but then never left.  I’ve had a few jobs, some I’ve held for many years, that just went nowhere.  even working full-time, not enough to live on my own.  tried roommates. that didn’t work.  cost of living too expensive and wages too low.  Not to mention underemployed – working some minimum wage job that doesn’t require a high school diploma, when I have multiple degrees.  and, of course, the student loans.

I went back to school again, begrudgingly, got a second degree, that would be a lot more practical and helpful than the first one.  graduated, all that.  but I guess when it came time for job hunting, I lost all momentum.  (there were other things, a death in the family, plus my cat died, plus other things) but I guess I gave up, too depressed to keep trying.  two years post-graduation (the second time around), and still stuck in the same place.  if I didn’t think people would hire me then, no hope now, plus I’ve probably forgotten everything.

and everyone’s given up on me. Understandably, the strained relationship between my mother (who houses me) and myself is pretty bad; she’s done, and it makes sense, after years of housing my ass, finally giving me a few months to get out.

and that’s just some specifics.  I’ve been dealing with constant unabating major depression for maybe 15 to 20 years now.  went through the hyper-dramatic teenager thing.  the cutting. and all.  I grew older, arguably calmer, but probably not really.  Hormones level out, but sadness doesn’t abate.  the cutting was replaced with drinking.  more socially acceptable, but ultimately (depending) a lot more harmful.  but I was depressed long before the alcohol. and even now, when I do work on being much more sober, I’m not any better.  just with one less crutch to lean on, or something.

I’ve tried damn near everything there is to try.  Different anti-depressants, different therapists.  exercise. outdoors. talking to people, not talking to people.

For me, things don’t get better.  Time can help – sometimes.  I am still heartbroken, I always will be, but the pain isn’t as raw now as it was years ago.  and I’ve learned, in a way, to live with grief and heartache.  I think grief comes and goes in waves.  I’ve loved and lost.  I was lucky – to have had such great love in my life, and such great friends.  though I did lose them in the end.  because I was too depressed.  it wears people down, and, understandably, people can’t take it any more.  and I wasn’t getting any better.  or I thought I was, thought I almost was, until it all came crashing down again.

but, in the end, every day, week, month, year, now, is the same.  day in, day out.  patterns repeat themselves.  I find myself pissing everyone else off, one way or another.  I lost the only people who I truly loved who loved me years ago.  these days, I had had some more casual friends, but they were kind of shitty friends to begin with – I probably wasn’t so great either – the kind of people who are mad and irritated when I’m down and never call or come around, rather than asking how I am or just saying hi…reminding me that I need to keep my shit to myself to begin with…

I’ve been around long enough to know my depression isn’t going anywhere.  and that I can’t have friends.

and I don’t see a future for myself.

best case scenario, I find some near-impossible way to work up the energy to search for a job in my field, find a job in my field, that’s full time and could support me alone, and move out, all within about four months.  I suppose it’s plausible.  and I can’t stand that I’m an adult living with my mother, being treated like a child, and basically accepting that I deserve it for fucking up my life.

if I could get my shit together (and I haven’t been able to for the last several years)…even then, I’m futilistic.  I’d probably feel good for a little while, celebrate freedom (again) and living on my own and a new start (again) and all.  But I also know me.  that, no matter where I go, there’s no out-running me.  that I can’t manage friendships.  that I’ll always live with heartache.  that I can’t enjoy anything.  no interests, no hobbies, no ability to have fun.  that I’ve tried medication and therapy, for quite some time too, and different meds and different therapists, and none of it seems to do shit for me.  that I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember.  I don’t even think of myself as having been a happy kid – I was a solitary lonesome kid, thinking too much for my own good then as well.

No one ultimately gives a shit about me.  there’s my mother, but I don’t even know…I think she loves the idea of me she’s created, rather than who I actually am.  and who could, I don’t blame them.  I don’t think I have anything to offer.  at this point, I think that all that is left of me is the depression.

all things point towards me finally getting it over with.  the disparaging part is that I’ve thought that for years and years.  I don’t think I “hang in there,” because I’m fighting the depression.  I think I’m probably still around because I’m too depressed to work up the energy to kill myself.  (though I’ve had attempts in the past)

I don’t know why I’m typing this, honestly.  just one more perspective out there.