It looks like I am not the only one here who experiences these same major depression symptoms. I guess in a sense that provides some sort of sick, twisted comfort.
I seem to have a dark cloud over my head that never seems to disappear. I can never catch a break nor do I think I have ever understood what true happiness feels like. Even friends have commented on how bad my luck is. Maybe that is my problem is that I have such a negative and pessimistic attitude towards my life that the universe is determined to keep making bad things happen to me.
I have always felt alone, even as a kid. I had friends growing up but I was always in some sort of shell. I felt awkward and never really fit in with anyone. I had a few girlfriends here and there but they never last and I am absolutely terrible with breakups mainly because I hate being so alone and feeling worthless.
Social Media seems to make things worse too. When I look on Facebook and see people I went to school with all getting married, having kids and being successful and here I am still trying to barely hang on, it just intensifies the loneliness and helplessness.
My life has been so far out of the norm it is almost laughable. My family is super dysfunctional and always has been.
I consider myself pretty smart and can learn and pick up on things really quickly but it never fails bad things always seem to happen that will ruin any plans I have of success. I just recently lost my job due to a petty Class C Misdemeanor that showed up on the background check…after having put so much hard work into the place and now I am unemployed. The one and only time I have ever been in trouble with the law is going to come back and haunt and ruin my life for no reason at all.
My goals in life have always been simple: Get married, have children, buy a house and live a quiet/comfortable life. I don’t care about, or consider success as, achieving lots of money. It just seems that no matter how hard I try or strive to achieve these goals I just can’t. I am 30 now and my fiancee and I just recently called off the engagement and I had to move back in with my mom on top of being unemployed.
I don’t consider myself a super religious person but I grew up in church and was baptized when I was pretty young. I still go to church on and off to this day but I just feel like God does not listen to or care about me. I know that’s wrong but it is just how I feel. I hate even being sad or complaining or being down about it because people just say buck up this will pass. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t really contemplate killing myself but I honesty don’t care to live if that makes any sense. I keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. Apparently these trials we face will help mold us and shape our characters but I am just sitting over here wondering when this is going to end because I am just getting beyond tired.
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Your story I’d say is all too common, similar to my own and I think that’s why many of us ended up here. I have to say that my parents are more resilient than I am. They just took life as it came, they worked extremely hard, we lived in different countries and finally settled here in Canada.
Or maybe it’s because I know the game (of life) is rigged and there’s really no winning it, unless you’re born into wealth or are very lucky or connected. While my parents are like dumb animals/mules who just plod along, doing what they think they had to do to survive.
I don’t mean to demean them, in fairness I think they gave me and my siblings a better life than some parents, but then it was also worse than other parents. Fortunately our upbringing was fairly ‘normal’ though we were still poor compared to others around me.
My dad would tell me how much better our lives (his children) were compared to his own and how poor he was. I responded ya, we could’ve avoided all that suffering if you decided not to have kids. He was perplexed and stated ‘no one ever said anything like that to me.’ He didn’t know what to say because you can’t defend the indefensible.
He realized that it’s not wise to have children if you can’t afford to give them a good life. But that’s what I mean by dumb animals-that’s most people. They get horny and worry about the consequences later. I’ve seen homeless people with kids sitting on the street, why bring children into this world if you can’t afford, them, they should be sterilized.
They were almost robotic, going to work every day for decades. With me I started going crazy from the repetition from my last job. Same shit day in day out, not to mention it was a stressful place with shitty managers/coworkers, after 4 years I had enough. Luckily I was able to walk away from it but prior to this year I was trapped in that dead-end job.
I realized I couldn’t do this 9 to 5 shit for decades, even if it was a great job that paid very well. Some people are cut out for that kind of slave life, but not myself. Fortunately I’m self-employed now and making the best of that, I value my freedom and being my own boss.
I won’t harp on your beliefs except to say that maybe your prayers go unanswered because there’s no one there to answer them. God will stop existing as soon as peoples stop talking about him/her/it. It’s no different than Santa Claus but religious people have a mental block that prevents them from realizing this obvious fact.