love of a lifetime loss

For the past 18 years I have been depressed off and on. I am now 31. Never been married and I don’t have any children. I am actually pretty successful compared to my friends and relatives. 8 years ago, the love of my life passed away suddenly from a motorcycle accident. The pain– the pain– the pain. I hurt everyday. I don’t think that I can have a “normal” romantic relationship with anyone because I still love him. He was the love of my life. I never told him how I really felt. Nor have I told anyone the pain I still have inside. I was a very sad person inside– I didn’t have many friends in jr/high school. I didn’t have family members. I was a loner. Then I met A. and he was everything to me. We had a long distance relationship for 1 1/2 yrs until I could graduate from college. He lived 500 miles away from me. We met while I was on vacation. After I graduated, I moved in with him. Then… the accident….. it tore my world upside down. I remember it like it was yesterday. I can still smell him, I can still taste his kiss, I can still feel his touch, I can still feel his love for me– but he isn’t here–
I’ve never told anyone how bad I feel inside. No one. Some do know that I miss him a lot. Everyone has said that time would heal– but it hasn’t. I just want the pain to end. I just want him to be here with me. I want my true love back. I never got to tell him how much I loved him. He really didn’t know how much, and I didn’t either until he passed away. He was 14 years my senior. But, we were great for one another. His family and friends didn’t think that I was “good enough” for him. I didn’t realize this until the accident and funeral. I wasn’t given any respect at all. I was treated like a — I don’t know how to describe it in words. It was just really, really bad.
I moved back home shortly after the funeral. And since then, I haven’t been the same. My life is completely different. How I view things– how I live– how I see tomorrow. I truly want to die. The only thing that holds me back– I don’t want my parents to suffer like I did when I loss A. I have two beautiful dogs and one cat that I consider my furry children. They mean everything to me and I have to make sure that they are taken care of.
I just wish the pain would go away. I have a void in my heart. I don’t think that I can ever love anyone else the way that they would deserve. I have been in relationships, but I feel almost as I am cheating on A. I know if you are reading this– you are probably thinking that I need to move on. I try to. I really try. It isn’t that easy.
I wish I had one more day…. just one more… just one more minute.
A.– if you can read this. You were the one. You were my special one and only forever. We had a connection like no one else. I love you just like I did the last time I seen your smile, the last time I felt you touch the side of my face– the last time I felt your lips on mine– I remember your last words– I love ya babe
I know you are in a better place and I will see you again someday. It just hurts like hell until that day. I just hope that I can hold on that long. I really do.
Love with all of my heart today and forever,
M.