i’m 23 years old. my birthday is on the 13th and i keep thinking……..maybe i won’t make it til then. i’m a single mother of 2 kids. it’s definitely hard……but looking at how perfect they are makes everything worthwhile. i feel guilty for the way i feel. i never feel like i’m good enough. i hate myself so much that it’s hard for me to find the good in anyone else. i didn’t have a really horrible childhood. but when i was 8 my mom told me that my dad wasn’t really my dad….he was my step dad and my “real” dad lived in california. so i met him, moved to california and lived with him for 3 months. when i was 10….my mom and i were looking through photos and she pointed out a guy and told me that she had lied to me. that my “real” dad wasn’t really my dad afterall. the guy in the picture was really my father. i’m not sure how i was supposed to deal with it. i don’t think i really did deal with it. i just accepted it. what else was i supposed to do? i’ve thought about death since i was probably 7….maybe 8. i cut myself because i feel like it releases all of my emotions……for a few minutes. when i see the blood……i almost feel like i can breathe. i feel like the only thing i have that’s good in my life are my kids. i love them more than anything. and i wonder how their lives will be without me. maybe it would be better. i hate feeling this way…..but i’ve felt this way for so long…….i don’t think there’s any other way to feel. and i’ve tried to get help before….from doctors. they told me i had depression, bipolor, borderline personality disorder. the truth is…..i’m just fucked up. they put me on several different types of medicine. i talked to a shrink. nothing worked. it never works for me. i feel like the only way all of this is going to stop is for me to take myself out of this place. away from it all. away from the pain. just…………..away.   as much as i hate feeling this way….i also feel like it’s inevitable and it’s going to happen…..i don’t know when. i just believe it’ll happen. and when it does………my kids will know how much i loved them.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
Hi there, it is very sad to read your story. It is hard to fight such feelings of emotional betrayal as from your mother (and missing father too). Child should feel love and security to love and to feel secure. It is then somehow “hardwired” into our brain and into our basic feelings aboul life etc. From what you wrote I cannot read whether your mother could not handle the situation or she was so indiferent to you (both is hurting, but different consequences).
Many times it helps to “deconstruct” big problems into small ones. Your every succes should be recognised by you and every bad feeling should be taken as temporary (our feelings change in time, even if we do not think so, they do).
I wish you success, H.
hello there omg please dont do anything silly if not for u for ur kids think about how ud feel if u didnt have no mummy growing up i know if my mum dies il prob b rite behind her coz i love her soo much just like ur kids love u think about ur kids growing up without there mummy there to hold there hand through life how hard do u think it wud b on them life might be bad at the minute but god nos whats round the corner for each and everyone off us it wont b long before ur kids are old too then thats when ur fun starts :)) please try everything in ur power to take ur self out off this position ur in at the minute i home u get better soon much love jamie if u need anything at all please just email me il b waiting:)
best wishes,
jamie
changemakessence@live.co.uk