I’m a 17 (almost 18) year old girl and this is my brain’s rant session.
I’m extremely distant from reality pretty much all day, my life seems so pointless and corrupted that I create these fantasies about people, usually guys, I wish I could affect, but actually am just obsolete to.
After seeing the film Girl, Interrupted, I had a kind of wake up call that I was almost identical to Susana Kaysen who had Boderline Personality Disorder, it made me feel like I could define myself finally instead of being this pathetic outcast. I took a test for this on the internet and it confirmed that I definately have this personality defect, but my family thinks I’m overreacting, they never listen to me properly.
I think about death a lot, I’ve tried to self harm and think about suicide but I’m so cowardly, I’m a strong atheist and I’ve realised that I dont want to die, I just want to feel alive and accepted instead of this kind of numb living death. I’ve been depressed the majority of my teens, more so now as my mum died cruelly from cancer almost two years ago, which haunts me everyday and I have very angry outbursts towards my friends at school, just because they’re often insensitive about my grief, like on the one year anniversary of my mum’s death, I turned to a friend for comfort, and she told me to not think about it, just because it was too awkward and intense for her, people say “if you need to talk, I’m here” but thats bullshit no-one actually cares until you do something dramatic, like suicide, which my thoughts keep circling back to.
I haven’t had a boyfriend since my mum died, it was easier for me to isolate myself from everyone, because the pain was so intense, my friends have disapproved that I’ve had one night stands, but commitment makes me feel trapped and frightened and no-one judges when a man has casual sex, women are permanently watched and seen as these godesses of perfection in the media, flaws and variety make people interesting.
I see no future for myself, I just kind of drift and I’ve inherited all of my mums bad qualities, she was depressed too, except her looks, she was beautiful and I’m grateful to resemble her, but I feel like I’m so socially lacking, people who know me, see this ugly, useless personality, what good is it being attractive if that’s all you are? My one talent is art, thats how I express my inappropiate deep emotions, it’s kind of like therapy to me, but I just wish I could connect with people and “fit in” like a normal person.