Dear Daniel

  June 24th, 2009 by Calamity Jane

Doesn’t look like there are any Aussies here at all.. wish I could make pact. I was planning to go out and try buy Heroin today and overdose on that. I thought what a brilliant way to go, floating away on a high… but I’m scared that I don’t know where to get it and it could cost more money then I have to get enough to OD… so… I’ve been doing alot of research. I agree. If we really believe we want to die and the pain of living is worse then the pain you may cause for anyone you may leave behind, you have the right to go the way you feel comfortable with. Me? my parents love me and don’t want me to go… to an extent. They fought with me only a week ago and called me a “shit bastard who was nothing to no one”. They hit the nail on the head, it’s exactly how I feel. I am not young like so many of you on here, and I think really, if you are only 14yrs old that you should give yourself enough time, to see if a second chance works. If you get to my age, 27, you live at home burdening your parents who resent you, then you have the right to do it… please just don’t give up so young. I don’t have a boyfriend that loves me and I think if you have a partner, don’t do it. I would do anything for that kind of love and support. I am bankrupt and I have no career. I work casually I am on a pension because the government recognises that I am severly deppressed and have been for as long as I can remember. I think I am going to try this method . The EXIT device… it was even invented by an Australian scientist. An awarded humanitarian. It is better then carbon monoxide as it won’t harm others and will not trigger a panic response. I won’t say too much more, because as I’ve said, there’s alot of kids on here, if there is anyone my age and up, contact me, be nice to be not alone and do this together, but if you haven’t even lived to see your 21st birthday yet, maybe you should try harder, you never know, you might be more successful then me, turn your life around, discover happiness.

I will say the main reason I want to die. Daniel Butler. Because he doesn’t care. He doesn’t even believe that his actions have truely caused me this amount of pain. Sure I have always been deppressed, but never, ever have I been this hurt before, never untill now have I been this sure I want to go, yes I’ve tried before, but over the counter sleeping pills do jack shit, I know that now, this time I want to be sure I’ve done my research and I have. I love him but he loves a girl who used to be my best friend. I think she loves them too. I wish I could be happy for them but I can’t. Her name is Jo and she broke up with him years ago, because he was acting like a jerk. I also had a litte crush on him I suppose, but this year when he asked me out, I was delighted and said yes. I get on with him great when we are together in person, we like the same movies and enjoy the same sort of music, he’s a photographer and I like when he teaches me what he knows. He is the only one, ever, to have fully understood my needs and desires in the bedroom, he’s a little sadistic, but it’s what I’ve always wanted and don’t think I’ll ever find another who knows me and my body that way. I know he’s still very attracted to me, but it’s not enough when I love him and he just doesn’t care. we only went out for a few months, before we started fighting… it was because I didn’t feel like I could trust him, like he wasn’t treating me nicely at all and I didn’t know why. He tell me things like he didn’t have enough money to go to the pub to celebrate the long wkend with friends, so I bought a mini keg, took it round to his house and when I got there I waited for him to finnish work and looked for to meeting up with him. All I got was a text message saying he was going to the pub with friends and I wasn’t invited. I left in a storm of anger. As he and my good friend Jo used to date, he told me I should tell her, seemingly innocently wanted to make sure there was no animosity between us…. but I don’t believe that at all now. I am sure he was using me against my friend Jo now, just to hurt her. What better way to get back at someone for dumping you then screwing around with their best friend? he dumped me a couple of days after I told her. and I thought, what was the point in telling her if he wasn’t even going to give us a real chance to work?

Even after we broke up I continued fihting with him, we broke up in april and it’s now June. I just wanted him back. I begged and pleaded for another chance, I heard that he lied to me about a few things… I rang him up and blasted him, he promised me he would try and change. He took me out a couple more times, and it was great, but only last weeked I got a text message from Jo saying “ummmm you’re gonna hate me”. I knew right then that she had slept with him again. She knew I would hate her because she knew how I felt about him. WHy? why would they do that to me? Daniel said he only promised he would try and change because I was harrassing him. he never even tried at all. he just stabbed me in the back. Now he says he’s back with Jo and he always missed her (why was he stuffing me around in the meantime then?) and he’s promised her that he’ll change. for her. not for me. He was supposed to change for me. It’s the promise he made for me.

I can’t cope and I can’t just accept the way things are like they want me to because they used me, it’s just not fair. He has changed his number so I can’t call him. She is ignoring me, he has said that me saying I’m suicidal is just crying wolf, looking for attention. He is so wrong.

I want to die because I want him to have the guilt of my death of his conscious for the rest of his life.

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