I have horrible anxiety. I’m not completely sure why. But it’s controlling my life. Or rather it affects my life. Greatly. Anyways, the reason why I’m so anxious all the time is because I was abused, raped, and neglected as a child. Even though, technically speaking, I still am a child (I’m 13). The neglect had ended 3 years ago. But the abuse and rape went on until this past fall. Now it’s done. It’s gone. But I feel like it was just yesterday………… So, ya. I have been diagnosed with GAD. But I counselor said I don’t need a medication for it. I also have alot of crazy and creepy fears. These are some of them:
- Showing to much of my body. Like I only wear long pants and short sleeved shirts. But I always have a jacket with me.  I HATE wearing swim suits, even though I love to swim.
- Having people come up from behind me. I always jump or freak out when it happens.
- Having people snap at me. I’m overly sensitive (no surprise).
- Having people stare at me.
- Having people hurt me…………
Ya, I have alot more. But some of them I cannot really explain. And I’m sure you all know what I mean when I say I have horrible anxiety. Ya, I have ALOT of anxiety and fears. I think I have to many. My family says I’m overly dramatic sometimes, but they don’t understand. But really, why am I afraid to show two much of my body?????? I mean that’s just crazy!!!!! It’s confusing…………… and frustrating…………
                                                 I’ll shut-up now………….
8 comments
rape, being the incredibly traumatic thing that it is, is going to leave an effect on you so now, subconciously, you’re mind will do everything to prevent these traumatic events from re-occuring. Because of this, showing your body has been programmed to make you anxious to keep you from doing it since your minds afraid it might entice one of the perverts out there. You definitely shouldnt feel bad about that, that fear is completely justified after what you went through. You’re just trying to prtect yourself
I agree with what brokeNinsideE said – it’s normal to have the kind of anxiety you’re having after what you’ve been through. It’s like your fight-or-flight protection mechanism has been triggered so many times that it won’t shut off any more – it’s sort of stuck in the ‘on’ position.
I think if you saw a therapist or counselor about this they might say you have a kind of PTSD – post traumatic stress. If you don’t get a chance to resolve the damage done by each of these stresses, they build up and get kind of ‘stuck’ in the body.
The anxiety is a way of protecting you from accumulating any further trauma – your body/mind/psyche is saying, “Enough, no more trauma, I can’t take any more.” So it’s got this kind of hair-trigger protective mechanism that keeps you from doing anything that might risk you getting hurt again.
It might seem extreme right now, but I imagine that if you’ve been abused for many years, it might take a few years (at least) to recover from it. It depends on whether you’re able to avoid further trauma, and whether you’re able to find people to help you through it, by talking about it or whatever you need to do.
One thing, the less you fight your ‘reactions’ (the various anxieties you’re having) and just accept them as your mind/body’s way of coping, the quicker they’ll discharge and you’ll be able to move on. I think it might help if your therapist could tell your family directly that you’re *not* over-reacting. And if your therapist won’t tell them that, then you probably need a different therapist.
I read somewhere once that when an animal gets attacked, if it lives and is unhurt but is still shocked by the event, it will do this thing where it will thrash around on the ground for a bit before it’ll get up and finally trot away. The idea is that the trauma creates this energy in the body that has to be released in some way – like by running away or fighting back – and if it isn’t released it goes inward and creates some kind of stress. Healing comes from finding ways to release this energy – maybe by talking, or whatever seems right to you.
I don’t know anything about medication, but I would bet you don’t need it – I’m guessing what you need is to work through the trauma in some way. Which may or may not involve a therapist, depends on what seems right to you.
Thanks. But I am seeing a counselor (for my depression). But she says that I don’t have PTSD. I, personaly, think she’s wrong………..
Hannah,
Can you change counselors? This one sounds like she’s not helping you.
If you hired her and are paying for it yourself, you are under no obligation to stay with her – you can fire her just like anybody who’s giving you bad service. And I know it’s hard to change therapists – it can be a huge hassle to search for someone new. But going through the process of finding a therapist who’s *right* for you can be such a major part of the healing – you basically are learning how to say ‘no’ to people who don’t help you, and get them out of your life. It’s another way of sticking up for yourself and getting what *you* need.
From my own experience, when I found a therapist who said, “Sounds like PTSD to me,” I suddenly felt a huge sense of relief, like somebody finally ‘got’ what I was going through.
I’m wondering if you could call a women’s shelter for recommendations? I’m thinking counselors at a shelter might have more of a clue about abuse, and be more likely to understand that you’ve probably got some form of PTSD.
Thanks. I would do probably get a second opinion. But I like my counselor, and I cannot fire her since I’m only in middle school. My aunt says that me being anxious is just a feeling, and it’ll go away. But it doesn’t. I sucks when you cannot control your life.
Sorry, what I meant to say was: it sucks when you cannot control your life.
Yes, it does suck when you can’t control your life. Parents need to remember that powerless feeling when they’re making decisions that affect their children. Unfortunately, they often don’t. They sometimes move you around like you’re a piece on a chess board, rather than treating you like an actual person 🙁
Well, I wonder if you could at least ask somebody about the possibility of trying another counselor? I know you like the one you’ve got, but if she’s not really helping you, it’s pretty important to find someone who *can* help you. Just a thought. I know it can be hard to change counselors. Maybe they can let you try a couple of different ones before you make a decision? Just tell them you’re not sure she’s really the best one for you, that she’s really nice and you like her, but you’re wondering if there’s someone who might be better able to help you.
I read your other post, and I want to say this about anxiety: If you were raped and abused by your cousin and yet your family still has you spend time with this person, then it’s no wonder you’re anxious! This is a normal fear reaction to being treated badly. Anybody who tells you otherwise is crazy. Or, they have simply never been in a similar situation so they don’t know what it’s like.
Fear and anger are like warning signals, like the pain you feel when you touch a hot stove that tells you you’re burning yourself.
Anger tells you that somebody’s done something that’s out of line; fear tells you that you’re in danger in some way – it could be physical, or emotional. People who tell you that your emotions don’t mean anything are being rude and disrespectful – your feelings are meant to keep you safe and should absolutely be listened to.
If you’re feeling anxious all the time, it’s because you’re in an unsafe situation and you don’t trust the people around you to have your best interests at heart. They just want you not to bother them with their feelings, because your feelings make them uncomfortable.
This is something I wish you didn’t have to learn until you are much older, but I think it’s time for you to start questioning the adults in your life and not assume that they always know what’s best for you. Sometimes they tell you things based on what’s convenient for them at the moment rather than what’s in your best long-term interests.
I hope I don’t come across as lecturing you – I know I hate being lectured, myself. I don’t mean to do that. But I think it’s really important to start standing up to your parents and other adults as much as you can. I know it can be scary, but they need to learn that your feelings are just as important as anybody else’s. Maybe your counselor can help you with this?
Hey you…
I was raped when I was 5 or 6, seems like the earliest memory I have. It was not violent in any way and so I did not know this was wrong until I was 9. All those years, different people abused me, one of them my own family. When I realized that it was a bad thing, at that very young age, I immediately tried my very best to protect myself. I never told anyone, I grew up with this very heavy burden, a dark secret that I was ashamed of. I managed to mention it to my grandmother when I was 16. I didn’t know why, maybe I was hoping to get some sympathy or justice?… I don;t know, but all she said was it was all in the past and I have to forget it… this broke my heart.
This ordeal resulted to a very lonely and insecure childhood. I grew up being too defensive and suspicious of everyone around me. Life was not fun at all.
My family was religious and I grew up going to church every Sunday but I have always questioned God’s existance, I would always say to myself, if there was a God, how could He allow me to go through what I have been through?…. an innocent child.
I became rebellious as a teenager, but always protected my secret, when any of my past boyfriends tried to have sex with me, I find an excuse not to, because I didn’t want them to know that I was not a virgin anymore. It was a big deal back home. But eventually when I was 16, I gave myself again to a guy that I thought I could trust an love but we broke up and this made me worse, I didn’t feel the need to protect myself and was convinced I was not worthy of anybody’s love and respect, so I messed around and didn’t take anybody seriously, I even messed with a married man. Then 19 I had a kid with this boy, he was 17 and very much a kid, so we separated ways too.
So here’s the thing the most important thing I wanna share with you. When I was 20. I ran away from everything, leaving my 1 year old child in the care of his 18 year old dad. Going to perilous places surrounded with prostitution and corruption. I woke up in this strange place, absolutely helpless, sick with high fever and abandoned. I felt like dying. I wanted not to wake up. Then I heard a voice. I cannot say what it was, it could be me, getting close to insanity, I do not know. But all I know was…
It asked my to pray, to beg, to plead with God and make peace with him. To promise to change my life if ever He will help me now, and so I did.
Not a second after, my grandmother was at the door and I was being rushed to the hospital. WHen I woke up, I was home and I never felt so much better in my entire life.
I’m 31 now. I could talk about being raped to anybody without feeling any kind of bitterness or shame. Maybe because of time or maybe because of God’s help, I would like to think so.
All I want you to maybe realize is that, you will eventually get over it, never ever feel that you are condemned or there is no hope… Use this bad experience as strength and wisdom, but never forget that it’s ok to make mistakes again. Never think that by punishing others you gain justice, because you are only punishing yourself. The best remedy I can suggest to you is FORGIVENESS…forgive your oppressor, forgive yourself and let God forgive you.
I believe in this life, God gives every single one of us challenges, some physical disabilities, others traumatic experiences…but we should not think this is because He does not love us, I would like to believe it’s because He has bigger plans for us, our suffering is our strength… we just need to find out what He wants us to do and not disappoint Him.
I wish you happiness and May God Help you find you way. Trust Him.