I don’t know what to do anymore. Last night I sat there in my room in my closet with the scissors to my wrist cutting.. not very deep. and i just kept imagining me going a little bit deeper and slowly dying. I don’t WANT to do. I want to escape what I’m feeling and I can’t find a way to do that, my only outlet is death. I try so hard to be stable it’s like I’m either SUPER happy, SUPER sad, or SUPER something and all I do is get yelled at for it by my mother. I’m trying so hard I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to be happy.. so badly. I just can’t be. Last night I cried my self to sleep. And this morning I didn’t want to wake up. I hurt so bad on the inside, i can barely feel anymore. I put myself down every day I always blame myself and treat myself like shit, and I CAN’T stop. I’m not sure why exactly I do it either. I’m totally confused and need to find refuge in something, ANYTHING. I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. Every day I get yelled at by my mother or crapped on by my “friends” there’s no use in me being here any more. I hate this, so fucking much.
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8 comments
i can definitely empathise with you, especially about beating up on yourself…. its hard to stop but im trying and im making some progress…. it takes lot of work though. it sounds to me like you are bi-polar, if you are not diagnosed yet i would suggest talking to your mother about getting that checked out. if she doesnt believe you just show her the scars, they tend to be pretty solid proof…. make some new friends. that is really important. if you dont have friends then you are lost… if you cant find any irl then make some online or something. my email is in the post before this. it will get better, it just takes work.
Thanks nate, i have some good friends that i will keep. And my mom has allready mentioned bi-polar, but forgot about it. I’m not ready to show her the scars, quite yet. I am at great thanks for your help. (: Love, Jess.
scars huh email me and i’ll show you some fucking scars including my kidney surgery i had when i was 16 it’s pretty fucked up
oh yeah i forgot to give you my email address it’s meinreichistwunderbar@gmail.com
yes im sure that’s healthy, lets all compare scars shall we? lol. i’ve never heard anything so macabre…. well, if you don’t count “Battle Royale”
I too am far from truely being happy and content with myself but i can suggest something that did help quite a bit. You have to do anything and everything you can find that will give your self-esteem a boost. For example, find your talent and utilize it. When i was sure that i was useless, that not a person on this earth had an ounce of respect for me, i couldnt even look people in the eye. But then i found guitar, and i was pretty good. For the first time in my life people were actually impressed by me. Everyones good at something, and if you think thats not true, you just havent found it yet. Keep looking
Thanks all of you. (:
Jess,
I know what it feels like to cut + imagine cutting deeper and dying. i used to do that all the time. Also to wake up in the morning ad not want to get up. I do that EVERY morning. I always tell my mother i didn’t sleep well, but i had slept well and had waken up at 10ish but didn’t want to get up until 1pm. It hurts so bad, and i know what you mean. What i do now instead of cutting is bite on my pillow, kick stuff, punch stuff, whatever. I get my anger out like that instead of self-harm. and it works better. Plus, knowing that i could accomplish the horridness of self-harm gave me a boost of confidence, and i said, if i can find enough strenghth to stop from harming myself, maybe i can also find enough strenghth to find my place in this lonely world. so, basically, bubbles, i know what you’re going through, and knowing you, i know you can stop cutting and feel a little better about yourself. it may take some time, but i know you can do it jessie(:
love youu
xoxoclara