I feel rejected. The other night I got into a huge fight with my parents, they were screaming about how theyÂ have known I “have problems” for 3 years now and then kicked me out (I don’t have a car) so they told me to go walk, I walked to the streets for two hours and alone and crying, because I felt like they didn’t love me. And it sucks becuase I didn’t have any one else to tell who I felt would give a shit. But there’s one person whom is so extremely nice and caring but, I hate burdening them with my problems all the time. So I was kinda stuck. And I also kind of love her and don’t know how to tell her that I want to be with er and I’m afraid if I do she won’t feel the same way and I’ll just be more sad than I was before.It’s super hard to love someone, when you’re not sureÂ if they love you back..Â I just want to tell every one whatI’m feeling, like tell my parents how I hate the way the treat me and hurt me and yell at me for not being happy when, how am I suppost too be? I want to be happy, but it’s so hard, when you feel like there’s no point in you being here and that you can’t satisfy anyone, not even yourself. I know you’re suppost to live for yourself, and strive to make yourself happy, but its hard when there’s no one to be with you along the way. I should be thankfull for what I have and that I have something and some times I feel like an ungreatfulÂ *****Â and other times, I feel like every one has it better than me. Well that’s about it for now, there’s not really a purpose towards this rant, I just needed to get my feelings out. Thanks for reading.
I have a very hard decision that could either make or break my life. So in the beginning of the year our guidance counselr came and told us to come and make an appointment with her if we ever needed to. So one day I wanted to meet her, and I also knew that I get upset alot so, this could be good for me! And as she got to know my problems more we meet more and more and I told her every thing… almost everything that is. One day I come in bawling and she says I don’t look so good. And we are talking andÂ talking and I finally told her that I had thoughts of “Going away forever” (aka, my way of telling her I no longer wanted to live)
And she’s a pretty nice woman so, as the meeting went on she polietly ask me questions like, have you ever thought/done self harm? (as in, cutting, burning, ect.) and I couldn’t just LIE right to her face so I just sat there looking down and crying my eyes out. And all I said was, i thought about punching something to hurt myself, but i never did it. (which was quite the lie.) When in real life I do tend to cut myself. So at the end of the meeting she asked if i thought it would help if i saw a like theripist or something every week, but I kinda forget what happend after that. All i remeber was going back to class with bloodshot eyes and kids asking questions.
At out last meetiing she said I was like a rollercoaster I started out normal then I went down and down and down….. and then up and up and up (becuase towards the last days of school, i was SO happy nottttthing could bring me down!) And I thanked her and that was that.
So here’s the hard part. I could 1) Tell her I cut and get help. Or 2) Not tell, and live in sadness. But im scared to tell becuase if i do i might get sent somewhere and my parents will get invloved and everythign will go wrong, but sometimes i WANT to tell.. no i dont want to, i NEED to! And other times i feel like ill live a live of secrets, and lying. So here’s where I VERY badly need your help, if you are still reading. Should I tell or not? I just want things to be back to the way they used to be, I want to be happy. I know you can make your self be happy and sad, but it’s like i WANT to be happy, but something (im not sure what) is making me sad. So it’s not interily my fault… Thank you for reading, i would very much appreciate your help,-Jess.
Ok, so life hasn’t been so great lately. So there’s this girl who said she loved me a few days ago, and I LOVED her for months and months and watched her get boy-friend after boy-friend while I’m almost certian she knew I was in love with her, so I was basically nothing to her when she had a boy-friend and when they cheated on her or broke up, Of course I was “the best” and “super amazing” because I’m so soft harted I CAN’T not forgive some one. And I just kept loving her. And now recently I knew I would never have her so I gave up on life basically, because, well she was my life. And just a few days ago she came out and told me her true feelings for me. And I said I loved her back while holding back tears, becuase I don’t know how to tell the one whoÂ I once loved that I can’t love her any more. She hurt me 1 too many times. And on top of my family life nothing has been going good.And I want to be with her and I want to love her, but I just can’t find the strength in my body to forgive her, not this time. I just don’t know what to do any more. I mean she is so amazing, when she’s single that is, haha. So it’s like, do I ask her if we could once be something? Or do I just ignore it because I need to be with some one, desperately, I need love. But I just don’t think I can accpet it from her. Nope, not this time. I’m just too scared to hurt the oneÂ I loved and painfully, still love. So painfully,Â thatÂ IÂ almost killed my self whenÂ I knewÂ I could never have her, love hurts.Â I know what you are all saying “At least you have 1 person in your life who loves you! Stop being such a baby!” Well inÂ words of my counselor (kind mixed up, because I don’t have very good memory of that meeting exactly, it was quite a strong one, lots of water works!) “We all have our different extreme highs and extreme lows, wether one persons high is getting a decent meal, or love from a parent, where the other one is going out or getting money, and their extreme low maybe wanting to die, where as another would be not getting their 400$ purse.” (I added some stuff in there, but you get the picutre) Ok, well I guess I am done here. Thank-You very much if you are still reading, I appreciate it very much. God-Bless!
I don’t know what to do anymore. Last night I sat there in my room in my closet with the scissors to my wrist cutting.. not very deep. and i just kept imagining me going a little bit deeper and slowly dying. I don’t WANT to do. I want to escape what I’m feeling and I can’t find a way to do that, my only outlet is death. I try so hard to be stable it’s like I’m either SUPER happy, SUPER sad, or SUPER something and all I do is get yelled at for it by my mother. I’m trying so hard I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to be happy.. so badly. I just can’t be. Last night I cried my self to sleep. And this morning I didn’t want to wake up. I hurt so bad on the inside, i can barely feel anymore. I put myself down every day I always blame myself and treat myself like shit, and I CAN’T stop. I’m not sure why exactly I do it either. I’m totally confused and need to find refuge in something, ANYTHING. I feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. Every day I get yelled at by my mother or crapped on by my “friends” there’s no use in me being here any more. I hate this, so fucking much.
Hello there. My name’s Jessica. My age, ill say is under an adult, by far. Any ways, im here to tell you. if there is any listeners. i suppose not. but i will go on. im at quite a young age, and im very depressed. i was led to fall in love with this amazing girl. yes, girl. and she played to love me bakc for a while, and i had to sit there and watch her get like 3 different boy friends and after each one crushed her i was there to lean on for a bit. and that was that. i got so depressed from loving her and not being able to have her thatÂ i just shut down, emotionally, physically, everything. i stopped caring, i sucked at soccer, my room was a toxic dump, my apparance wasÂ trashed and i started cutting my self, daily. my mom kept accusing me of looking like i was on drugs and being miserable all the time. my group of friends put me out. and i was alone for a while before i met that girl i loved. every thing was going wrong. my dad called me fat and i was getting fatter and fatter every day, he’s a havy alchoholic (sometimes) and can get rough with my mother but not a lot of the time. more so in the past. myÂ sister moved out for a time which also contribuited with the cutting. she also made me fell worthless. i felt like shit most of the time. i had no oneÂ to love and i totall of like 3 “friends”. but anyways, i’ve contiplated suicide many times. i’ve thought about OD and hanging myself, but iÂ just couldnt. i feel like my life sucks tho. we are strugguling to keep our house, i’ve been beaten a little by my sykotic mother, who claims shes fine and IM THE SYKO ONE. They also think i may have bipolar disorder or something. i ffeel like shit. and as for the girl, i still dont got her. every one calls me a freak at school and i feel no love. thats all i want love. i need it. and im just not getting any. not from any one. not now not ever. and thats why i want to just go away.im done. and i cant take it anymore.