I’ve always known that I was depressed. But i put a good wall and hid it from everybody. At a glance, nobody would guess how rotten and dead i feel inside. I’ve read websites for “help” but honestly, I dont want help. I’ve been depressed and suicidal for so long. I have never felt wanted or truly happy. If at one point I was happy, everything would soon come crashing down. And I’d be in my bed crying myself to sleep, reaching over to get the scissors and start cuting on my arm.
Just like today. I was truly excited to go on a vacation with my mom and little sister. I was actually looking forward to it, I was packing and getting my stuff together. When my mom calls me and tells me that she invited 3 other little cousins and her ex-stepson to come along. I dont know why, but I got terribly angry. The night before she was complaining about how much money this 3day trip would cost her. She said she was having second thoughts about going because she wants to save money up to buy a house. So when she told me that she invited 3 other unecessary people, I just felt like yelling at her. It was just supposed to be the three of us, having a genuine time. But she goes and invites 3 fucking annoying kids that i just cant stand. It’s almost as she did it just to piss me off.
Now, when I’m mad, i start to cry instantly, i dont know why. But now, im in my room, with fresh cuts on my arm writing this because i didnt go on the trip. And she didnt even care. Like i said before, i am never truly happy. Something always has to go wrong.
For years i’ve wanted to kill myself. I just never actually planned it out. All i know is that I dont want to be living in this piece of shit world anymore. So, I’m just waiting, until i actually get to taking my life away.
I’ve also contemplated on the thought of running away, somewhere far away. But then being alone with no money is scary. And when i do kill myself, i want my family to regret ever treating me like shit. I want them to know how much im suffering because of them.
i’m already dead inside. i just got to free myself of this pain-for good.
5 comments
Oh, god.I think all you want is exceptance and love, right? Well I personally o
don’t think you should kill youself because out there some where there’s some one who wants to make you un-dead on the inside.. just search. There ARE people who want you here!!! I’m not going to say you CAN’T take away your life.. do what you feel.. I hope my words have helped you. Stay Strong PLEASE With ALL of my heart’s love and compassion, Jess D.
i know you dont WANT help. neither did i thats for sure. but in the end i was forced into help and i think it was a majorly good thing that it happened. because i am better now. think of your little sister, and how much she would miss you if you died. or how she thought she could maybe save you. she loves you and prob your friends do too. hang in there
I understand how you feel. when i read the last thing you said that you wanted to run away but would be scared because of no money and being lonely… i couldnt help but think that you are in the same situation as i am. and i totally agree with jessica that you just need love and acceptance. that’s all i want too, but my family continues to treat me the way your family treats you.. acting like they dont care about you and not treating you fairly. i am content when things are fine, but it just feels like im weak when something does happen. when it does… i become crushed all over again. i was happy to go on a trip with my family too, just me, my parents, and my brother. but they ended up doing things that hurt me and made me angry that i didnt want to go anymore. but i did end up going thinking that it would be an experience i would miss out on… but during the whole trip i just wished i was home alone so that i wouldnt have to deal with them anymore. and i want so bad to live away from home but, like i said already, im afraid of being alone and i dont have money either… my family doesnt seem to understand the pain that i am going through because of them. i have wanted to die for quite sometime too… and when i read that u just wanted to run away i couldnt help but think that i would want to meet you and to help you and listen to you because you are going through exactly what i am going through. i dont know why i thought that, i just did.
i completely understand what you’re going through.. my family drives me nuts too. it was amazing how similar your story is to my own life. if you ever need someone to talk to heres my email: lien.121@hotmail.com
I don’t know if you guys will read this again, but I want to thank you. Thank you for actually reading this and caring. It is so ironic how the people close to you don’t understand, but complete strangers do. I just want you to know that reading your comments made me feel a lot better. It actually made me somewhat happy that you guys care, and you guys do understand me. Jessica, thank you for telling me to search, lillie, thank you for making me realize that i cant take my life away because my little sister would miss me, and i love her terribly, Darlene, thank you for writing what you did, it is really nice to know that somebody understands what I’m going through. It feels good to know that you understand, and care enough that you would want to help me. I want you to know, that I would listen and help you also. Our stories are hard, and we will be able to help each other because we understand. Thank you. And Glenda, thank you for lending me your time and ears. If I do feel miserable again, I’ll be sure to send you an e-mail. Thanks for offering this complete stranger a chance of slight happiness. I just want all of you to know that you have helped me tremendously, just by writing those comments. I want you to know that if YOU ever need somebody to talk to that understands, please, please contact me at c.s1104@yahoo.com
Again, Thank you so much.
My thoughts and love go out to you all.