So the drugs have worn off. My stomach still gets nautiated when I move too much and I have a really bad head ache after I eat. But I am acting more like myself now. Faking smiles and laughts as usual. Well, untill everybody goes to bed anyways. Now I am back to thinking of ways to kill myself without it looking like I did it or pin anyone else on killing me. I don’t want to hurt anyone :/
I almost broke up with my boyfriend today. Ha never even texted me. I’m tired of always being the one to text first. He can be so sweet. And when we are together it’s perfect to me. Even when I do something embarrassing it’s ok. At least thats what I think. We never get to see eachother. I miss him so much! Though I feel like we are strangers. If I broke up with him, I would have noone else to care. He dosn’t even seem to care when we do actually get to talk. After a while I don’t even want to talk to him anymore because I get mad and want to break up with him. I am scared to do it though. I don’t want to be alone. Selfishness maybe? I don’t know. Is it wrong to want somebody? If I leave him then I don’t think I would have anything to hold me back from suicide.
I want to live, I do. I want to live for tomorrow though. Not for today. I don’t like today. I don’t like my thoughts now/today. I know what is now. I don’t want the same thing day after day. Yet, thats what I get. I do the same thing every day. Every single day is exactly the same. I am too scared to change it maybe. I don’t know. Dose it matter? Proly not. I can’t breath! Back off of my life for a second. Look back at everything. What have I done? Nothing. Nothing worth anything. I can’t find anything I have done good.
The things I do around the house or anything is never good enough for anyone anyplace. Never. By now I should expect to get nothing back. It shouldn’t bother me. Why dose it bother me? It dosn’t make sence. My life don’t make sence. I want so badly to shoot myself right now. I know where the gun is. I know where the bullet is. It wouldn’t be so hard. It’s just a small trigher to pull. I could do it.
I already know I am not good enough for anyone, anything. I don’t have my furture planned out like everybody else around me dose. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know how to be myself; muchless how to make it in this world. The friends I once had use to say (behind my back) that I was going to end up with noone. Be the quiet one who only went out if I needed to. There would be noone there. They wern’t joking. They would act like they were joking when I was around, but I knew the truth. I’m not that stupid. They think they all have it all together. They think I have it all together too; just they don’t know how all together I am not. I wouldn’t be so suicidal if I did. They don’t know this though. And I would never tell them this either. Like they would listen anyways. There not my friends anymore. Sure, they may see my mom every now and then and tell her to they said hi but nothing more. Not even a stupid text, ever. They didn’t tell her that for me. They could care less if i did die. As would I.
Noone believes me when I say the truth anyways. I tell my parents to their faces and they laugh it off and say things like I would never do that (suicide). I am this happy girl who has everything/everyone she needs and wants. I smile and laugh like a “normal” person, I am happy!!!!!! Wrong. If just one person would look a little closer… Look past my act. Look into my smile. See how hard I am trying to make it look real. Look into my eyes and see the tears and pain there. It’s all on the surface. Why can’t anyone see? Are they blind? Am I invisible? Am I even exising because I don’t know.
This world could go on; will go on without me. I just want to be dead. I can’t get my mind off of it. I keep thinking of ways I could make it happen. It’s making me go insane!
I can’t get help from anyone I know. Noone I know will listen, much less help. they don’t know I have a prob. and they wont untill it’s too late.
I don’t want to live any longer!!
No friends. No family who cares. What’s left? What’s left to live for?
Take me away, God. Let me escape for once. I am ready. I am not scared to be dead…..