So the drugs have worn off. My stomach still gets nautiated when I move too much and I have a really bad head ache after I eat. But I am acting more like myself now. Faking smiles and laughts as usual. Well, untill everybody goes to bed anyways. Now I am back to thinking of ways to kill myself without it looking like I did it or pin anyone else on killing me. I don’t want to hurt anyone :/
I almost broke up with my boyfriend today. Ha never even texted me. I’m tired of always being the one to text first. He can be so sweet. And when we are together it’s perfect to me. Even when I do something embarrassing it’s ok. At least thats what I think. We never get to see eachother. I miss him so much! Though I feel like we are strangers. If I broke up with him, I would have noone else to care. He dosn’t even seem to care when we do actually get to talk. After a while I don’t even want to talk to him anymore because I get mad and want to break up with him. I am scared to do it though. I don’t want to be alone. Selfishness maybe? I don’t know. Is it wrong to want somebody? If I leave him then I don’t think I would have anything to hold me back from suicide.
I want to live, I do. I want to live for tomorrow though. Not for today. I don’t like today. I don’t like my thoughts now/today. I know what is now. I don’t want the same thing day after day. Yet, thats what I get. I do the same thing every day. Every single day is exactly the same. I am too scared to change it maybe. I don’t know. Dose it matter? Proly not. I can’t breath! Back off of my life for a second. Look back at everything. What have I done? Nothing. Nothing worth anything. I can’t find anything I have done good.
The things I do around the house or anything is never good enough for anyone anyplace. Never. By now I should expect to get nothing back. It shouldn’t bother me. Why dose it bother me? It dosn’t make sence. My life don’t make sence. I want so badly to shoot myself right now. I know where the gun is. I know where the bullet is. It wouldn’t be so hard. It’s just a small trigher to pull. I could do it.
I already know I am not good enough for anyone, anything. I don’t have my furture planned out like everybody else around me dose. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know how to be myself; muchless how to make it in this world. The friends I once had use to say (behind my back) that I was going to end up with noone. Be the quiet one who only went out if I needed to. There would be noone there. They wern’t joking. They would act like they were joking when I was around, but I knew the truth. I’m not that stupid. They think they all have it all together. They think I have it all together too; just they don’t know how all together I am not. I wouldn’t be so suicidal if I did. They don’t know this though. And I would never tell them this either. Like they would listen anyways. There not my friends anymore. Sure, they may see my mom every now and then and tell her to they said hi but nothing more. Not even a stupid text, ever. They didn’t tell her that for me. They could care less if i did die. As would I.
Noone believes me when I say the truth anyways. I tell my parents to their faces and they laugh it off and say things like I would never do that (suicide). I am this happy girl who has everything/everyone she needs and wants. I smile and laugh like a “normal” person, I am happy!!!!!! Wrong. If just one person would look a little closer… Look past my act. Look into my smile. See how hard I am trying to make it look real. Look into my eyes and see the tears and pain there. It’s all on the surface. Why can’t anyone see? Are they blind? Am I invisible? Am I even exising because I don’t know.
This world could go on; will go on without me. I just want to be dead. I can’t get my mind off of it. I keep thinking of ways I could make it happen. It’s making me go insane!
I can’t get help from anyone I know. Noone I know will listen, much less help. they don’t know I have a prob. and they wont untill it’s too late.
I don’t want to live any longer!!
No friends. No family who cares. What’s left? What’s left to live for?
Take me away, God. Let me escape for once. I am ready. I am not scared to be dead…..
15 comments
live for tomorrow. you are right, tomorrow can be better, but you have to make the change happen. “No one finds life worth living; he must make it worth living.” i suggest really taking a look at your relationship with your boyfriend, if you arent happy with him then you should end it. at least have a talk with him about how youre feeling if you havent already. as to the whole “not having anybody” situation, ive been there, email me murtaugh3@gmail.com ill be your friend if you want… how old are you? i ask because you may not need to have your future planned out… by your typing i would guess you are in your early teens but i could be wrong. if you cant find anything you have done that is good, then go out and DO something good. make good use of your time here. if your friends dont care make new ones. find the “emo” clique at your school if you want, i have found they are usually some of the nicest people at the school. could be wrong though, do what you like. as to your parents, if you cut show them your scars…. if not then try dropping your mask for a while. i know its scary, its really hard to show how you really feel if you are used to hiding it. just try it, they will probably notice and ask you about it. tell them its depression, you are suicidal. if they see a change they probably will realize you are serious. people here can be your friends, we are here to help and support you.
thats such bullshit how can you be someones friend if all you know about them is that there upset and suicidal you cant you can just pretend
I agree with nate about talking with your boyfriend about your feelings or breaking up with him entirely. Your happiness is important. It may be hard to do this though, because you think that you don’t have anyone else if you break up with him. Finding people to talk to can be hard as well. A lot of people are simply blind to the kind of suffering that depression causes. The turmoil we experience inside of our mind feels so intense that we assume that everyone must be able to see it, but often there is little reflection of what is happening internally on our external features. Some people just don’t care about other people’s problems. Take your parents aside and really EXPLAIN to them how you feel, and how you aren’t joking when you talk about suicide, make it clear that you feel like how you do and it makes you want to kill yourself. This can be scary because of the stigma in our society associated with suicide and depression, because people think you’re crazy if you have these feelings. This isn’t true. If they still don’t listen, find someone else who will. If you go to school or college or whatever, could you talk to one of the counselors there and ask for help. I’ve had both good and bad experiences with counselors regarding my own depression so if you feel uncomfortable or something just feels wrong in general then don’t see them. If nothing else, you can talk to the people on here, the vast majority of which understand what you are going through.
As for the whole having your life planned thing, so what? Lots of people have their whole lives planned, but stuff happens and plans change. If you are still a teenager, why rush this process? Consider what you’d like to do with your life without imposing a deadline of having a life plan any time soon. Take time to explore what life has to offer.
Good luck. bombos87@gmail.com if you want to talk about whatever.
dark, i would get to know her. i dont know her well right now, but maybe we will become friends.
thx nate. eh i tried to e-mail u but it wouldn’t work. maybe you could e-mail me if you please. bbkarategirl@yahoo.com
and, bombos. thank you too. i get what your saing(i think). you can e-mail me if you please. its above this one
wow what a way to become friends “how did you guys meet oh well we met on a site that tries to lie to people aka animals so that they dont blow the back of their skull all over the walls
yeah, well ive had more embarassing things happen. plus thats not true.
keep telling yourself that what a pick up line “hello i work on a site that lies and gives people aka animals false hope real nice “friend”:)
Dark? Do you need a friend? It sounds like it?
since you seem to hate this website so much or whatever your prob is then why do you keep comming back here?
you know im dont know why but i dont hate this site it’s good in a way even though i dont believe animals dont care it still lets me get my thoughts and feelings out instead of keeping them inside
alright. thats fine then 🙂
yeah?
Yea a friendly smile for once^