I’m glad there is a forum like this that I can relate to. I have a wife and 3 kids and I am 30 years old. I’ve been thinking of suicide for years now and over the past few months have gotten past this weird barrier that I had before. I was so cautious and scared to kill myself before and now I feel like nothing is stopping me. Sort of like a green light. Now I don’t obsess about it as I used to and have moved onto phase 2 in finding the right way to do it. One thing I learned is that I will probably leave town before I do it. I had a parrot for 28 years and couldn’t take care of him anymore so a lady I knew who lived far away came and picked him up to take care of him. He was at the end of his life and I knew this. He died about a month later and it didn’t seem to affect me like I thought it would. I think this was due to him being gone already.
I feel like it would be easier on the kids and wife if they already said bye to me and then I just didn’t come home. Just like many of you I have that hopeless “I’m not worth anything” mindset and I can’t do anything about it. But I’m also on the other side of the fence because I am a born again Christian and believe that although suicide is a sin, all sins are forgiven through Jesus Christ.
What’s stopping me from doing it is a whole slurry of other things that would happen to complicate my family’s lives. I feel like I need to control how everything goes down, even the funeral and arrangements. I’m worried that my life insurance won’t pay my family since it would be a suicide and I’m afraid to even ask them about this in fear they would drop me and my insurance.
Is there anyone in Iowa that would like to talk to me in person? I feel like the best thing for me now is to talk to a stranger and not family/friends. Thanks for listening, fisherminisher
5 comments
Hi, I go to school in Grinnell (Grinnell college) I an coming back a bit from now, I don’t know if that’s early enough but if you want send me an email and I can see what I can do. I hope you have a great day, and please get in contact with me if you want to 🙂 Email: youngjoh@grinnell.edu
I feel your pain…………that’s all I can say……..
Dear fisherminisher,
I know you must be in incredible pain, but please hold off on your plan and please talk to someone (therapist, support group, hotline, hospital). Even if we ourselves feel worthless, we are not in God’s eyes — we are each marvelous, individual, amazing creations. Our lives may get really crappy, so dark that we cannot see our way out of the fog, but there is a way out eventually, so try to have faith even though you cannot see it at the moment. As long as we are alive, there is always potential.
You may not realize it, but I can even see some of your talents and positive qualities coming through in your post. You are obviously a good, clear writer for starters. You present things in a very organized / logical way, and conveyed your point effectively with the parrot analogy. I can also see that you must care about your family, since you are trying to figure out a way to ‘lessen the impact’ on them. You also obviously care for animals, having a pet for over 20 years. Even though I am a total stranger, I sense that you must have many more great qualities.
Ironically, in your logical analysis of avoiding ‘complications’ for your family, you don’t address the crushing emotional impact of this potential event in their lives: their husband / father will be gone FOREVER. If this happens, they will have had no say in the matter, they will be devasted, and they will probably struggle to understand this for the rest of their lives. Plese consider this: you are planning the pre-meditated murder of your wife’s husband, your children’s father. They need you — please do not do this. You are valuable, you are loved.
Prayers & blessings, Elizabeth
Thanks for your replies. Yesterday was really hard for me for some reason. I’m a lot better now but this pattern has led me to believe I might be bipolar or something since I’ve always had ups and downs. Thank you for caring to give a reply and believe me it helped. Patrick, thanks for the offer I have your e-mail and may have to contact you someday. Elizabeth, it is really weird but you understand a lot about me and thank you for acknowledging it. Sometimes you just need a compliment or a nice word to cheer you up. I really thank you and thank God for this forum. fisherminisher
Hey fisherminisher I know you feel like life is just one big ball of shit after another, Im the same way. See Im only 19 so I dont understand the eleven years you have on me. But the fact that you have a wife and kids alone is great, You made a mini representation of you and your wife to the world. I know you will teach your kids everything you have learned and that you are a great father and husband, so I ask you this, please, please, if you ever feel bad like that again, don’t get an impulse to do anything you or your family will regret the next day, and if you do get that overwhelming feeling just go run, or take your wife and kids to the park, ANYTHING is better than the alternative. good luck man I know you are going to make it.