I failed

I met my man bout 9 years ago in an online game,i visited him a few months after and it was love at first sight. We been happy as humanly possible for 8 years,we was 1,never fought never argued,we were so close. Till he told me on aug 6 2008 ,outta da blue, he was gonna go back to UK,alone. Everyone around us were jealous of our relationship it was that good. I begged him to why, took him some days to say anything and he just said i love you but it aint enough. Them last 10 days he was with me i could only just cry my heart out,couldn’t really say anything. I was in shock and i think i still am, had 2 shrinks and several meds for 6 months but ended that coz nothing can help me. He send me an msn message 2 days after he arrived in UK saying i left you for so and so,another woman. We both knew her since a few weeks from Second Life . Even her ex fiance warned me bout them 2 getting close and i laughed at him saying i’m not worried we’re so close NOONE can come inbetween us, man do i feel silly now,and laughed at. Few weeks after he was gone and i just basicly died.  This is my soulmate i’m talking about not just a ‘boyfriend’ . I’ve cried for over a year now,every second of the day i’m being ripped apart ,every second i’m awake i can only think of him and how much i miss him.  Although his absence is a killer the not knowing why bit is the last drop,i can’t deal with it.  My life has been on hold since he left,i can’t and wont move on without him,i simply only still just excist. On july 31 this year i went to the UK ,found out after bout 8 months where he lived (he hasn’t spoken to me or replied to any of my msgs since his msg ) . It was the plan to jump off a cliff near his house,so my pain would end and i could be close to him,even if only in death. I had planned this for months and i could only sort this by not paying my bills 2 months prior to my leave. Basicly there was no turning back after this trip,for i was skint. I rang at his door (his new chick’s house) but she opened the door unfortunetely,i knew i only had 1 chance or he would go in hiding. I politely asked is Mark in and she said no why …. then she realised who i was and just closed the door on me. I knew there and then i wasn’t  gonna see him 1 last time. Two days after that i took a 3 hours busdrive to his mum’s house,or atleast where she used to live,i knew the house was up for sale for ages already so it was a big if. Anyway waited for 3 hours when she finally arrived . This ‘mum’ of mine offered me a coffee only out of politeness but it was a few very awkward mins. She was a bit like these things happen blah blah you gotta move on,i couldn’t believe my ears. We had such a good relation b4 he left me and she looked and sounded as if she couldn’t care less wether i lived or died. Took the 3 hour trip back after a few mins and went back to my b&b. Two days after that it was aug 5 on a wednesday,  went to marsden grotto,a pub carved in a cliff ,started drinking and went out round quarter to 12 . Brought enough pills to daze me and the plan was to jump at 12 exactly,so aug 6, the day 1 year b4 my man said he was gonna leave me. I felt ill from the booze and ‘forgot’ i had all them pills with me to ‘lower’ the fear to jump, i just chickened out,i didn’t dare to jump . I still regret that i didn’t jump,i’ve no life without my man. Now ofcourse i had to tell my daughter and my bro bout my plans,they couldn’t believe it. They had no idea. Because of my ‘action’ i’m in serious financial trouble,dunno what you call it in english but here it’s curatele,basicly means i get 50 euro a week to buy food and clothes off and they sort my bills for 3 years. I wanted to jump to end my emotional and financial problems and now it’s like even worse then ever b4,i’ve no more hope,no will to continue,i only breath.