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it wasn’t supposed to be this way

by edmadness

When I was 2 years old my brother started to sexually abuse me. That lasted for many, many years. When I was 6 he raped me and then again when I was 12. I learned that saying “no” just got me into more trouble than going along with whatever was going to happen.

I started cutting at the ripe old age of 5 and continued until well into my 40’s. No one ever knew until I confessed to a therapist and she helped me to stop. Thank you DBT.

My first suicide attempt was in junior high. I walked into traffic on a busy highway. The cars went around me.

My entire family had a suicide plan. I thought that was normal. I still have one. There is always a plan B. So far, obviously I am still alive. I go to bed at night and pray to not awaken in the morning, but alas, I am too strong and I wake up. From the anorexia I have heart issues and I continue to think that one day I won’t wake up. So far, that hasn’t happened. I try to tell myself that there is a purpose to my life, that I am still alive for a reason. Let’s see, so I can lose my job, have to go back to relying on my family for financial support. So I can spend days in treatment for an eating disorder that is never going to end. So I can get a masters degree only to never use it even though it would help others as well as myself. So I can steal and cheat. So I can lose my friends and isolate myself from what is good in life. So I can contract with my psychiatrist every time I see them to stay alive until I see them again. What kind of life am I living, really. I am more of a burden to society than I am an asset, I’m afraid.

And yet, I am still here. Still too stubborn to die. Still waiting to see what is around the next corner. I still want to see the sunset, smell the flowers, see another spring, pet the animals and hold babies.

There is a glimmer of hope or I would be long gone from this world.

This is crudely written, but it had to come out fast or not at all.

Such is life.

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3 comments

qaz 2/2/2010 - 11:36 am

That wasn’t crudely written, it was perfect. And you are tough…

Idealist 2/5/2010 - 5:26 am

Such is life, how right you are. You must be a very delicate person to enjoy these beatiful things like a sunset or holding a baby. These things are just beautiful, there is nothing mean or calculating in them. Have you ever thought of a human soul that could be as beautiful as an ocean or a sunset ? Imagine how this would be, meet a soul large enough not to care if you have a master’s or anything else, who would not ask what you are but who you are, who would not ask if you’re an asset but what you feel ?
It’s not the easiest way, but for me the only one that can give sens to our life. I suppose that deep inside, you despise the standard, normalised, materialistc way of life, you’re yearning for something more beutiful and nobel. I wish you good luck and good feelings for the future. Michael

sao686 2/6/2010 - 3:26 am

Thank you for your post.

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