If I only knew then what I know now!

      I have read a few of the other posts here and I believe that I’m a bit older then many of you. Here is my story. I always felt like I was different from everyone else, but didn’t start having thoughts of suicide until I was 14. Even then it was only once in a while.I made it through high school and one year of college without an attempt, although the feelings became increasingly worse every f***ing day! In high school I pretended I was fine. When I was around anyone  I always had a smile or a funny comment. No one, especially my family, had a clue. I never had more than one friend at any given time, I’m not sure why that’s just the way it seemed to be. The only time I went out or did anything was if that person called and asked me, I would never call them. I never had any girlfriends or even girls as friends I could barely talkto them. Basically I was paralyzedto do anything for fear of being humiliated or rejected. In college for the first time I found I had more than one friend, four to be exact, and for a moment I thought things might actually turn around, but that was short lived. Soon they all found girlfriends and once again I was the third wheel, or in this case, the nineth. That’s when I finally decided no more thinking about it it’s time to end it! I downed to packages of over-the-counter sleepingpills(…at the time I actually believed that it would do the trick…)and after all that I couldn’t even fall asleep. The  next day I couldn’t go to class and pretend nothing was wrong like I have been doing for so long and I couldn’t face my friends so instead I drove all the way home and confessed to my mother about my suicide attempt. She was heart broken and promised she would help me through this. Her and my dad found me a shrink, but after the first session I knew he couldn’t help me. He wasn’t telling me anything that I didn’t already know, I just didn’t know what my condition was called-“social anxiety disorder”. His only advice was to force myself to go out and engage people. I have been trying to do that since I was a teenager and it only brought me to suicide! That, I think ,was the moment that I resigned myself to just give up trying but I also knew, after seeing the pain my first attempt caused, that I couldn’t kill myself and hurt my family like that……That was 20yrs ago…..Now I am about to turn 40 yrs old and looking back over those past 20 yrs everyday is the same, I get up I go to work I come home I eat something I watch TV I go to bed…. FOR 20 F***ING YEARS!!!!   I realize now that I simply am not capable of anything more and I still can’t kill myself at least not until my parents die, with my luck they’ll probably live to be 110. But who nows, maybe I’ll only have to wait another 10 or 20 years. So to anyone looking for advice well I have only learned two things in my forty years no. 1 there is no god if I’m wrong then he is an evil son-of-a-***** and no.2 is a quote from Shawshank redemption “get busy living or get busy dying!”. I wish that I had gotten busy dying 20 yrs ago.