Just needed to talk.

  May 4th, 2010 by ineedhelp

I’m sitting in a motel room alone with nothing but my thoughts and it weighs so heavily on me. Why would an otherwise logical person have such self-destructive thoughts. I feel utterly lonely and hopeless and the possibility of ending my own life is a constant companion in my mind. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t feel and the only solace I have is trying to describe my solitude. I just feel enveloped with darkness and despair. On several occasions, I’ve told my girlfriend of my situation as a desperate plea for help. She treats me like a leper and doesn’t acknowledge the unbearable pain that I feel. I fear that my only resort is to really do it so I can finally be taken seriously instead of just some problem. I’ve found more comfort reading strangers accounts of their ordeals than I ever felt from the ones that I love and care for. The people I hold dear truly do not understand the brevity of my situation. What do you do when your pleas for help fall on deaf ears? I burn myself with cigarettes and cut myself and watch the blood trickle from my arm. This is the only way visible way to express this anguish that is so deeply entrenched in my being. My girlfriend doesn’t even talk about it. The scars and burns on my body are never mentioned for fear of awkwardness and it makes me feel incredibly crazy and misunderstood. Suicide is such a taboo subject for her and I’ve been feeling deeply depressed for some time now. If the person that supposedly loves me isn’t even there for me, who else would be? I just desperately want to be heard and listened to and comforted. To be treated with respect and sensitivity instead of being told simply that I’ll somehow get through this eventually. I miss the joy of being alive but I no longer feel relevant. I often sit in total darkness, shaking uncontrollably because I’ve been made to feel like my condition is a nuisance. I’m incessantly questioning my sanity because no one will acknowledge these feelings as being real. Someone out there must be going through the same roller coaster of rage and depression and loneliness. This seems to be my only productive outlet thus far and I hope it will help alleviate the overbearing burden of pain that I feel.

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