I’m sitting in a motel room alone with nothing but my thoughts and it weighs so heavily on me. Why would an otherwise logical person have such self-destructive thoughts. I feel utterly lonely and hopeless and the possibility of ending my own life is a constant companion in my mind. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t feel and the only solace I have is trying to describe my solitude. I just feel enveloped with darkness and despair. On several occasions, I’ve told my girlfriend of my situation as a desperate plea for help. She treats me like a leper and doesn’t acknowledge the unbearable pain that I feel. I fear that my only resort is to really do it so I can finally be taken seriously instead of just some problem. I’ve found more comfort reading strangers accounts of their ordeals than I ever felt from the ones that I love and care for. The people I hold dear truly do not understand the brevity of my situation. What do you do when your pleas for help fall on deaf ears? I burn myself with cigarettes and cut myself and watch the blood trickle from my arm. This is the only way visible way to express this anguish that is so deeply entrenched in my being. My girlfriend doesn’t even talk about it. The scars and burns on my body are never mentioned for fear of awkwardness and it makes me feel incredibly crazy and misunderstood. Suicide is such a taboo subject for her and I’ve been feeling deeply depressed for some time now. If the person that supposedly loves me isn’t even there for me, who else would be? I just desperately want to be heard and listened to and comforted. To be treated with respect and sensitivity instead of being told simply that I’ll somehow get through this eventually. I miss the joy of being alive but I no longer feel relevant. I often sit in total darkness, shaking uncontrollably because I’ve been made to feel like my condition is a nuisance. I’m incessantly questioning my sanity because no one will acknowledge these feelings as being real. Someone out there must be going through the same roller coaster of rage and depression and loneliness. This seems to be my only productive outlet thus far and I hope it will help alleviate the overbearing burden of pain that I feel.
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I feel your situation . It’s exactly how i feel just now . i don’t know what to feel anymore , sometimes i feel dead , sometimes i feel excited and anxious for no reason other than my thoughts , sometimes i laugh and then start crying and just stay there like nothing ever happened . i questions what’s wrong with me , is it my surroundings , is it the course of my life , is it just me … but if it is me what the fuck was it that i did so wrong to feel the way i’m feeling now .
i’m around people everyday , and yet i’m the most lonely person you could possibly ever meet . my relationships with people die as quick as they begin , i’m not good at keeping friendships or relationships because something goes incredibly wrong all of a sudden or we just tear apart or there was a lack of interest on one side . I’ve never had a meaningful relationship with anyone in my reality , i’ve never felt like i’ve been genuinely liked by anyone unless it was to be used , maybe even as a last resort . Most girls seem to hate me unless they’re gay quite frankly , and guys just wanna use me . no one takes me seriously , it’s like i’m a different situation to a different person , and no one seems to like me for me , in fact , no one even knows who i truly am . inwardly i’m a shadow with no shape or form , my problems have never been acknowledged by anyone , and the people that have come close to me the most they do is refer me to a psychologist , and the ones that see how truly sad i am don’t say much , they don’t know what to say . that’s why i don’t show my insides , cause it hurts so much more to show who i really am than to mask it and just pretend , even though it’s hard just to even do that anymore .
i dumped my boyfriend 4 days ago and i feel now more alone than ever , even though i can’t say that i ever gave about him and i . cause i never did . and now i feel as if i’m stuck in the middle of nowhere . my great ganfather just died today in Cuba , and i don’t even know what to feel .
i know exactly what you feel , and even though i feel it too it’s hard to describe . it’s like a mixture of dispair and loneliness and hopelessness and some anxiousness . You’re not alone .
I can understand your feeling man. If you like you can open up and talk with me. My email is arian_boy_1980@yahoo.com
hey…. i’m glad that you found this site then. i’ve been suicidal off and on for years, and my brother finally beat me to it… so now it’s even worse.
i’m jealous of him, but somehow unable to bring myself to follow suit and have, despite chronic depression and a laundry list of other issues, managed to build a life that i am content with and feel i ought to keep occupying. i’m lucky enough to have a boyfriend who undestands the hurt i have and please know that (if it’s not evident already) there are other people out there who share your suffering. who can help you feel whole. i’m so sorry to hear that your girlfriend is so insensetive. please, understand that it’s her problem and weakness that she can’t reach out to help you. she might need more help to understand. do you know why suicide is such a taboo subject for her? it’s sad to say but a lot of people look at that like “maybe if i don’t acknowledge it, it will just work itself out.” or if they don’t treat it like it’s real, it just won’t be real. my parents act like they didn’t know and couldn’t see my brother’s pain. admittedly, i knew he was bad but i really did not expect to see the coroner’s van outside my old home three months ago. never in a million. many people have a difficult time fathoming the pain of the depressed, let alone reaching out.
anyway, if she really loves you she will come around. if not, you might be better off without someone in your life who makes you feel so lonely – the opposite of that a significant other ought to be.
realize that you’re not crazy, you are hurting (or were, depending on how you feel now) your pain is real, if it wasn’t you wouldn’t feel it (i know that sounds redundant but i also have been in the position of “why do i hurt like this”” it seems to come from nowhere…) you ARE a VERY valid person, and you do deserve to exist and take joy in life. it’s so hard…. i know. i have bleak, black, emotionally and mentally debilitating pain that comes and goes… shakes, fetal position, punching myself and clenching my muscles until i am exhaused and hurting from the stress on my small frame. but…. it goes away. life goes on and there are still good things to enjoy and do… places to go if nothing else.
there are people to help – and sometimes it takes very little – and that can really be fulfilling. it’s one of the things that keeps me going. so many have helped me, i can only figure that it’s my turn to give.
i don’t know what you situation is outside of the hotel room and the hurt but i hope that you know that you can keep hanging on and make life better for yourself. if you want to talk or vent or anything like that, feel free to email me. b r i g h t w h i t e n o i s e @ h o t m a i l .com (i’m hoping that if i put spaces between teh characters my email won’t get hacked again…. )
ps…sorry i wrote so much. i’m a compulsive writer so the words just kind of fly and before i know it……. but i hope it helps.
Just smoke weed and get those depression pills, add some ignoringeverythingaround you and voila, no depression for a few hours.
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