And so sometimes, I could kill everyone. But then sometimes I am filled with such rage and disgust that humans could choose to take the life of another.
And then sometimes I cut myself and it makes me feel sharper. But then sometimes I look at my arm and worry that I’m doing it so that someone will help me.
And then sometimes I think about Christmas and how much fun it is to spend time with the family. But then sometimes I get filled with immense sadness because one day, I know they will all die.
And then sometimes I revel in being unattractive, knowing that appearance mean nothing. But then sometimes I wish that I was much more beautiful.
And then sometimes I am so pleased I am where I am today, because I have direction. But then sometimes I hate where I am because I am limited by the choices I have already made.
And then sometimes people’s ignorance makes me chuckle and reminds me that I am so much smarter than most of the people I encounter on a daily basis. But then sometimes their stupidity crushes me because if everyone felt the same as I do, we could work out the answers.
And then sometimes I think about killing myself and I feel empowered. But then sometimes I think about killing myself and become filled with regret and guilt.
And then sometimes religion is a method of mind-control and social sanctioning that limits the thought ability of millions of people But then sometimes, I wish that I could believe in Heaven because then I would have function.
And right now I am wondering why there are so many bugs in my room.
Anna
4 comments
Nice repetition. It really emphasizes your multifaceted view on life.
i understood everything you meant . i get lots of contradictory feelings as well … too much actually . -__- i feel alone most of the time , and sometimes i love the solitude and other times it depresses me so much and i tend to release it by becoming very anxious or otherwise having a breakdown . sometimes i don’t know what to make of life and then other times i get so much inspiration at once that i almost feel high . sometimes i’m happy not knowing what happens next because i gives me the opportunity to hope and dream , but sometimes those hopes and dreams turn to worries and impatience . I don’t know what to do sometimes , it’s very hard making my point across to people because of what you said , they’re extremely ignorant … i wonder where the world went -__- . it’s very hard for me to make a genuine connection with someone , and i hate it , because sometimes the solitude turns to loneliness and it becomes too much to bear . It’s funny that i face my fear everyday , and that’s being alone .
Lol right now i wonder why i’m sweating so much O_O i took sertraline today (my anxiety medication) but i guess today’s just one of those “down fall” days … it’s really hard waking up either capable of bearing or just sick and tired . it sucks never being truly happy .
Every day seems to be a contadiction at the moment, and it’s so hard trying to explain it to people like my psychiatrist because there’s always the worry that I might be making it up. And then even I’m not sure.
And you’re right… it does suck to never be truly happen. But I wonder if anyone actually is? I think people who can say that they are ‘happy’ don’t really understand what’s going on.
“I think people who can say that they are ‘happy’ don’t really understand what’s going on.”
^^ You’re so right on that one . Most of the times when I’ve been “happy” , quote on quote , I’ve had a perturbing thought and then it all went down hill from there , so basically saying that if it wasn’t for my short lived delusion , I really wouldn’t have been happy at all .
I just wonder where it is that unhappiness stems from . Is it all around us , is it inevitable , or is it a product of all my bad experiences meshed into one negative feeling . I’d like to say that it goes away but it always seems to come back , it’s like a game of fetch . I wish I had a repellent for it , I wish i had a cure , but I don’t think my current circumstances are helping me much either , i really need to get out of my environment (town) and meet a different crowd , I’m faced with the place that’s caused me all my troubles and tribulations everyday , it’s kinda hard to heal when everyday the same wound is reopened .
I truly don’t think anyone is “happy” . It’s just a delusion , and the few that truly are happy … I can’t speak for them , as much as I’d like to identify myself with them , they’re like a different species altogether . They’re lucky … or wise … or maybe ignorant … or both .