Half a Century …

Prof. David Fergusson looked depressed on ‘Close Up’ (TV1)  tonight, and who wouldn’t?  A ten and a half minute series of sound bites focusing on media rights and obligations. A press gave him the equivalent of 10″ x 2″ on page two.

Suicide is the most appalling waste of potential, and our society needs to honestly face up to the causes and responsibilities for these losses, instead of hiding the problem in the collective closet.  I believe we have some of the highest statistics in the Western world, especially for young males.

I first saw a psychologist when I was 8.  My new private school decided there was something wrong with me as I was withdrawn and solitary – the other little ‘more privileged’ children wouldn’t let me sit or stand in their territory. The psychologist identified that I was raised in a large house full of adult men, and that I was socially isolated at school.

I’d been sexually abused from the age of three, this continued until I was 16 by various men. Degradation became a key to my identity.

I made a serious attempt on my life at 14 with a large overdose …  my mother stood over me repeatedly  screaming:  “You selfish *****, do you realise if you die I’ll go to jail?”.        I was sent to a psychologist and treated as ‘the one with the problem’ and continued in psychotherapy off and on for over 15 years.  I was urged to join various group therapy treatment programs where people were constantly damaged by the staff and by each other. There I learnt to mutilate myself with a razor blade, that ‘great reliever of pressure’, my arms look like corrugated iron, what a sad way to self medicate!

If anything ‘good’ came out of all this, it was my extended ‘education in analysis’, and an understanding of the ‘hard’ life experience and engaged intelligence required to make a really good psychologist/psychiatrist. However, I never learnt social or life skills, so my undisciplined analytical skills have made my isolation intolerable and my social interactions humiliating.

In my late forties, after decades of strange confusing shite and abuse,  I entered the heavy flat grey world of depression again, diagnosed with CPTSD, anxiety disorder and social phobia, I was put in a chemical strait-jacket for three years without any form of effective ‘talk therapy’. My ‘psychiatric support worker’ was a blatant misogynist and liar. I came off medication, unsupported, having gained five stones and functioning like a zombie. I lost the weight, then got cancer. Hard to know whether to laugh or cry at this point!

I had to weigh up my preferred journey to death, my responsibilities to dependants (ageing loyal pets), and the kind of exit I wanted for myself. In accepting treatment for cancer, I found it entailed subjecting myself to the  insensitivity of various medical professionals, and the degradation and isolation of the healing process.

A couple of psychiatrists ago I was told of a method to end life with a specific medication. Now I have a ‘suicide kit’, and it gives me a lot of comfort while I wait for the appropriate time. Hanging is ugly, and I hear that it is more usually experienced as a form of slow strangulation.

Oh yeah, and ACC had me evaluated and assessed under the sensitive claims process, and have allocated me $20 per week to ‘rehabilitate’ myself. As I live below subsistence level already and regularly borrow money to get through crises, it hasn’t made much impression on my life.

I’d like to hear what people think are their triggers for depression, what they might be lacking that makes them less ‘resilient’ in life, what would make the difference … is there anything that would make life seem worthwhile living?

1) For me the triggers are rejection/put downs/injustice/lack of opportunities/bullying/despair.

2) I’m lacking social skills, I’m impulsive, vulnerable, lonely, emotionally immature, lack emotional resilience, socially naive, talk compulsively.

3) The difference for me might be social supports and acceptance, respect and understanding, a decent job, financial independance, and educational opportunities. To be able to afford proper dental care, a good diet.

But it’s never going to happen, and I suspect Prof. Fergusson knows this is the reality for most of us … at the moment. But one day Prof, if you keep fighting for us, if you keep challenging the political parasite and the class discrimination epidemic … well, the alternative is unprintable (apparently).

Meanwhile, I very LIGHTLY self medicate with marijuana when I can afford it. The euphoria is lovely, the downer horrible (but tolerable). Be careful,  self medicators: don’t medicate the medication, don’t ‘medicate’ the downer.

As the NZ Customs man said with a straight face on the telly: “Madam, if it makes you feel good it’s against the law”. What we need is a medication that actually makes us  feel good … ha! ha! But heaven forbid we should be permitted to feel good in this society.