what is wrong with me?

  September 12th, 2010 by flip92

So…it’s been two months since I’ve written here.  Last time, I was complaining about being a Christian with homosexual desires.  Now, I just need to let out a whole lot of steam about something else that is forcing me to question whether or not this life means anything. 

So now I genuinely want to pursue a relationship with a female.  My homosexual desires still linger, but not as prominently as before.  Even though they are receding, I have retained a sort of sympathy for closeted homosexuals and others who are just plain confused about their sexuality.  The psychological games and wars that come inherently with unwanted homosexual desires are just plain scary.  I will not pretend that my homosexual desires will never augment again; it will always be a possibility with which I must live. 

So I’m 18 years old, and I’ve just begun my freshman year of college.  I smile and tell my family and friends that I’m enjoying it, but deep inside I know very well that I’m lying.  Honestly, I just want to run off into a remote woods and scream my heart and lungs out until there’s nothing left within me.  After that, I want to fall sleep and never wake up, never be found. 

I’ve had to find out the hard way that while I was busy fighting my homosexual desires, there was a girl whom I loved very dearly who–I only found out recently–tried so desperately to get me to like her.  According to her, however, I was so self-absorbed and arrogant.  I wish she understood what I was going through at the time, but now she definitely hates me.  She won’t talk to me, and I know by now that she rants to her friends about how stupid and selfish and worthless I am, simply because I would not respond to her attempts to get closer to me.  I’ve tried talking to her, but she only pushes me away.  I’ve already lost many friends who have decided to take her side, but I am still too scared to reveal to them that I was busy dealing with my homosexual desires at the time.  I know by now that people who used to love me and tell me that I’m the nicest guy in the world now wish I could just go to hell. 

Meanwhile, I’ve been thrust into this strange new world full of people I don’t know.  I’ve tried to make friends at my college, but people here are just so condescending.  Maybe I deserve it, though I don’t know why.  I especially have trouble socializing with females now; before I moved away from my friends and family, I actually preferred being with my female friends than with my male friends, simply because I did not enjoy feeling like I had to offset my effeminacy and repressed homosexuality.  Things are just too different now.  Many times I have tried to make friends with females here, but every time I try to talk to them they just turn away and act like they had been busy doing something else.  Many times I would simply walk and see a female, and she would just run away abruptly as if I were a rapist.  What am I doing that is so wrong, that is so threatening?  Before I moved, those kinds of things happened occasionnally, but now it just happens so frequently that I’ve become paranoid of myself…just because I’m a male. 

And if that were not enough, making friends here in general is just so difficult.  People here act so haughtily, like they are a million times better than me.  I really want to make friends, but I’ve made very few, and I realize now that I will very rarely encounter them, given the size of the population of this university.   Once upon a time, I always had a friend whom I could always talk to if ever I needed help with anything, but now, I am nothing but an invisible dot amid a flood of indifferent ignorance.  I want to scream my troubles and fears and pain away, but there is no one to listen, understand, or respond. 

I hate myself; I feel like it is all my fault that I’m losing friends so rapidly, though I still have yet to find an explanation as to how that is so.  In the meantime, I just want to scream and cry.  I honestly doubt that anyone loves me anymore, that anyone cares about me anymore, that anyone can even sense my existence.  Everything I do is wrong, and nothing I do will ever be right.  I am nothing but a worthless pile of rubbish.  I don’t know what to do anymore to get anyone to listen to me, to understand, to at least tell me that everything will be alright.  Maybe the truth is that nothing will be alright.  Or maybe the truth is that I am so stupid, so selfish, so pathetic that I just don’t deserve to hear anyone tell me that anything will be alright.  I tried my hardest to do everything correctly (I really did), given the unpredictable circumstances, but I guess that my good intentions and efforts will never be enough.  I hate myself so much.  Why do I even exist, and why do I go on living as I do anymore?  I hate myself.  I hate myself.  I hate myself so much.

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