A different philosophy wants death.

Hi, firstly this is no my first language, so I’ll may have mistakes, anyway; I’m feeling suicidal right now, but sadly I feel stupid trying to suicide, first thing: I have a very good life, and second thing: I don’t want to; so what I think that’s because I’m alone;but I have a lot of friends, so I’m sure you’re asking why I want to suicide, this is fun; I never tell everyone the truth, but I’m exploding; I’m a zoophile, and I feel quite bad because I got in-love with a animal that’s far away of me; far, far, really far; I only want her in my life, that’s the only thing; I can have lots of money, a good job, lots of friends, a good social position; but that’s no what I want; my only desire it’s stand by her; but my wishes seem that are not coming true.

I’m a zoophile since I was 3 years-old (Hopefully I never told my mom that animals make me feel good), and I got in love when I was 9; once I tried to suicide when I was about 11, because I wanna be with her; strange thing was that the uncovered short-circuted cable I touched only gave me a little quantity of energy that I just make me feel a little contraction in my arm, It was so stupid; the same cable that almost kill me when I was 2 didn’t do nothing when I was 11, maybe because my body was stouter.

I have had lots of illnesses considered strong, like influenza (not the strongest maybe) big parasits into my intestines (I still have guess so) my joints get broken easily (and six times I put it back by myself, and the bone repaired by itself) all because I just don’t care about my life, I rarely use medicine, but even those illnesses, can’t make me feel sick as my depression do.

When I feel bad I break things, sometimes with my head; but even the stronger hit can’t make me feel any pain just to forget the physicological one.

I don’t care how good is my life right now! It’s not good if I’m not with her; but I’m still trying, if so; I have to wait more than 9 years, with no much probability of suscess; If I have no suscess, I’m sure I kill myself; but for what? I don’t know; so I don’t know if I have to make things anticipated… I just don’t know what to do…

The only thing that save me it’s my concience I’m sure I’m useful for this society, but I don’t feel happy; I’m alone, without the animal I love; nothing can change my mind from that; I tried everything, phylosophy, thinking, yoga, non-vice drugs, studying, arts; nothing that is good works, do I have to do what’s wrong to forget her? I really love her, but she give me a lot of pain; I wanna die.

Nobody knows I’m a zoophile, nobody except you… and that is not the reason I wanna die, the reason is that I’m not with her, and I don’t want any other animal; by the way, I don’t like having sex with animals so much, what I like is loving, if love make a open way to sex, I’ll do; but I’ll never hurt my animal, never.

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I’ve gone to 3 different psychiatrist and they first two, couldn’t find anything; the third one, that knows what I am; gave up; just gave up.

by the way I’m 15, so hormones are making this worse.