I feel ridiculous, having searched for a place to share my innermost feelings and thoughts of suicide…
I’m 14 years old, and have horrid self-esteem/confidence issues. I find myself repulsive, but yearn for love. I get no support from my family, not even my twin sister who hates me for getting attention i dont want. I go to a psychologist who tells me to go to school.
Did i mention i sort of dropped out, except i go every once in a while after my parents beat me.
I hurt so badly, over nothing. I have a house, food in my cupboards, clothes, im not sick, nothing’s wrong on the outside. Its me.
Im my worst enemy, and i feel worthless. Empty. I feel nothing and everything at the same time. I want someone to understand. I found that in my best friends boyfriend, who just wanted sex from me. But he understood me. I didnt give it to him, anyways he hates me now after every friend but one betrayed me.
They spilled my innermost secrets and turned them into lies.
And that one person only stood by me because they hated her too.
I went into, as my psychologist said, “A Major Depressive Episode”.
I stayed home in bed for 3 weeks whilst my parents called the school, endless calls, and got the girls suspended.
Ryan hates me. My ex-friends are trying make it okay. I feel alone.
Empty. Alone. Naive. Hurting. You know how in books they describe heartbreak? Well my heart hurts and aches just writing this. My mind hurts from my insecure thoughts.
I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. Not so much die. Im hoping the future hold something.
Thinking about my future is like a lit candle in utter darkness. That, and being a stupid pathetic coward, are what keep me from killing myself.
Yet Im glad for that hope, hope for being a musician, singer, artist of some sort, first love, experiencing the world, and getting the hell out of Half Moon Bay, California.
Its hard to think about that hope, when your drowning in hurt though.
I wish i had someone to support me, to love me, and to help me find myself under the girl who wears a mask of being okay.
No one knows, yet they know all. They dont care, or understand.
Help me, please?
6 comments
I understand you. I really do. I am a walking billboard of contradictions myself. I care so much about everything and nothing all at the same time. I can see both sides of any argument, of any situation, of any experience. It’s enough to drive me mad. I wear a mask everyday that seems to fool everyone but myself. People always say I don’t let them in but they never take the time to come in. They don’t understand because they don’t want to understand. People are selfish, they don’t care about any ailment that does not befall them. That’s good you don’t want to die though. Hold on to that. Never lose that. Once all hope is gone there’s no turning back…trust me I know. Stay strong kid. You’ll make it through.
Half Moon Bay, huh? I’m just over the hill, going through the same shit. Moving far away won’t help. I moved three-thousand miles to get away from everything horrible in my life and found out quickly that moving doesn’t make the horribleness go away. It doesn’t make the memories you have go away. It doesn’t make it hurt less. It doesn’t fill the emptiness. It doesn’t dry the tears. It just means you’re far away from everything you’ve ever known, which is a whole bag of shit on its own.
Good luck. With whatever you decide to do. I hope you make it, though. I really do.
i understand, i’m halfway across the world in shitty scotland and it’s the same crap over here. i know it hurts, but you’re not a pathetic coward for not killing yourself, that’s the strength you didn’t know you had shining out. keep it, believe in it and you’ll get there. the future will come and it’ll be okay in the end. if it’s not then it’s not the end, that’s how i get through the day love.
Over the hill…never thought people on this site would be from close by. Thanks to both of you, it just hurts so bad.
I’m trying really hard to make it.
Thank you, what you’ve both said means more to me than you’d think.
Woops didn’t see your comment ’til now. Scotland sounds so much better than california. i wish the people here were like all of you…
I know how you feel, i’m the same age as you and all my friends seem pissed at me for no reason, the only true bestfriend i had past away. And i just want someone there for me, I used to help her with her problems she helped me with mine. Everyone thinks im ‘okay’ just because i always seem happy, but i only fake it so they can leave me alone, they wouldnt understand. but point is you have dreams right? You deserve to fulfill them. That’s what im trying to do. im just counting down the days till i finally get to leave. but if you ever want someone to just talk to. i can be here. and when i promise someone to be there for them, i mean it. i wont leave their side. if you need me, you can add me on facebook. [facebook.com/marialetsrunway] hotmail. [mariaaranda2010@hotmail.com ] or on myspace. [myspace.com/i_wuv_turtles