Sleeping pills didnt work…

I’ve had suicidal thoughts since i was 15, but i’ve never actually harmed myself until i was 19.

February 24th, 2010 was the morning i tried killing myself. It was like 1 or 2 in the morning i think and i was arguing with my boyfriend over the phone. Something told me that i didnt deserve this, or any other emotional/mental stress i was handed throughout this relationship. I’ve been feeling really suicidal and this was it for me. So i hung up the phone out of anger, got up, took out sleeping pills and a bottle of cough syrup i was saving in my room. I sat down on my bedroom floor with a cup of water and started swallowing as many pills as i could. I swallowed 80. I didnt feel anything yet, so i went to the bathroom and took my time drinking the cough syrup. About 10 minutes later i was super drowsy. I kept staring down at my feet and i just felt really weird. I just curled up next to my heater and blacked out on and off. Next thing i know i was puking into my toilet. I kept blacking out as i thew up, and i would forget why i was hunched over a toilet every time i reopened my eyes. I just went to bed like that, but i had a bowl next to my bed so i could throw up in it.

To my surprise, i woke up 10 hours later. I woke up to the constant sound of my doorbell ringing. I seriously forgot what i had done until i felt all my puke on my pillow and sheets. I got up to answer the door and it was my boyfriend. He looked super concerned, considering i hadn’t shown up for class and  he got worried so he showed up at my house. He looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I could barely speak or keep my head up, but i told him what i did and i remember hearing him say something like “oh my god, i knew it..”.  He told me to come with him and his aunt who drove him to my house. They settled me into a hospital. I stayed there for 2 days. My parents and sister found out and they came. My two best friends came. My boyfriends best friend came, who witnessed me puking my guts out the whole time as my boyfriend held my hair back. i was throwing up so hard that i couldnt breathe. I was in so much pain. I was beginning to lose myself to the affects of the drugs, which was a really weird experience. I started off my sentences talking about one thing and ended the same sentence talking about something totally different. I hallucinated about the most random things, like i thought i was watching a cartoon show when i stared at the wall. I thought a lady was in front of me putting things away onto a shelf. I was even starting to talk to myself because i was hearing voices of people i knew. I remember a nurse was beside me as i was talking to myself, and she asked me “are you on the phone? who are you talking to?” and i told her i was just answering her question, but she said i was just hearing voices. Two Psychologists came in and spoke with me during my stay. The whole thing was just one big emotional experience.

Im 20 now. I cant swallow pills the same way anymore, but I still have fantasies about death. Im pretty sure one day, sooner or later,  ill succeed in my attempt to stop my heart from beating, or my eyes from seeing, or myself from feeling. I just want to be nothing.