im alive as in everyone can see hear and touch me…. but what they dont know is on the inside im dead. my heart is black and broken, my sole is cold. each night i cry myself to sleep. i want my daddy back. my dad was a good man. he never did anything wrong. he was kind and loveing (when sober) he was my best friend. i want him back,. this isnt fair.
why did god have to take him. im tired of hearing that everything happens for a reason or god has a reason for everything. if that is true i want to know the reason for my faters death!!! why did god have to rip apart my family?! why wont god help me and save my sole?! where the fuck is this god???!!! i sit and beg for death or peace and nothing. i prayed for my father and for myself. NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
 i want to die. i want to make the pain stop forever ever!… im going insane… i stare into space and day dream of my scuicide… i dont smile… i dont laugh…. all i do is cry… i carverd hopeless into my leg.. because my entire existince is hopeless. any hope of peace or happieness is hopeless…. me surviving is hopeless….
im not sure.. but im afraid this will be my last entry…… i dont know how much longer ill last…. im greatfull for all of those who read what i write.. that meant alot to me…. thank you…..
Sincearly,
Cynthia.
2 comments
Please don’t do it. You are going through a really rough time right now and it’s very difficult. However, talking with people close to you can really help.
Well, the first thing I think you need to do is to stop asking why god took him. I dont want to start a debate here but mother nature is the cause of death and God isnt a logical answer anymore in this day and age. I think in your situation, having someone or something to blame is only natural but there is no one to blame unless he was physically taken by another living entity so try not to feel that you need to vent your anger on something that doesnt need your energy concentrated onto it. He has died from natural causes and that is immensly sad…but there is no influence out there that could have changed that because life is set out for us unless there are ways that bad things can be prevented…but how could we prevent something that we dont know is coming? Its impossible. You need to come to terms with gradually accepting. Theres nothing you can do.
Taking your own life is not the answer though (as hard as it probably seems to avoid the temptation right now) because good memorys keep us warm inside and although it isnt even a dash on his existance when he was around, you need to share your memorys and grief with other people who were close to him aswell. This should help a bit, especially because it’ll help you realise youre not on your own. Sharing the emotions you feel is the first steps to soothing your extreme desires to end yourself.
And think about this, would your father have wanted you to end your life? If you could have one last conversation with him at this point as an immortal, think about how he’d feel to hear you say you want to end it all for yourself…?