As i said before i’m struggling with my note but here is my first draft.
I still feel like there is a lot missing. Most of my feelings are not covered but i don’t want to confuse matters.
Please tell me what you think.
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Mum,
I’m so sorry for everything i have done. If i could turn back time and start again i would do everything differently. I have tried to change, tried to make you proud but it always seems to backfire.
There is something evil in my soul, something that repells and disgusts people. Did you feel it? Did you know it was there? I have never felt part of the world and truelly believe i should of died all those years ago when i was only small. Something happened though, i lived. All i can think is that this was a massive mistake. I believe this is why i struggle to fit in so much. My soul expected oblivion but there i was, thrust back into the world of the living with every one expecting me to carry on. I can be in a room full of people, be it friends or family and i know i’m not part of it. I’m forever on the outside looking in.
I smile and laugh but inside i’m am already dead. I’m just waiting for my body to catch up.
You may think what i do is weak or selfish but i have tried, i’ve tried so hard. I’m tired of life, tired of trying to understand, tired of trying to be normal.
I’m sorry i can’t be like all the others.
I’m sorry i’m such a failure.
I’m sorry you could never love me.
I hope one day you can understand my decision and forgive me, one day you may say with your head held high i was your daughter.
I only ask one thing of you, please dont tell the little ones about me. They are too young to know about me and it should stay that way. Please don’t blame yourself or allow any one else to blame themselves. This was my decision, my choice.
I know i don’t show it but i love you. No matter what you say, you will always be my Mum.
I love you all with the last beat of my heart.
Love *******
11 comments
I think it’s very good(well as good as a suicide note can be) and you know yourself how you feel so I couldn’t critisize anything you say, your feelings mirror what I feel.
Even though I hate hearing this when people say it to me for some reason I feel compelled to tell you that I hope you change your mind and I hope you get better.
what I think? I think that you shouldn’t do it cause you’ve chances to recover and get better. you’re just an unique person, who sais that you have to be like others???!
Thank you Truency but i’m afraid it’s too late for me. I can’t seem to open up to people so theres no help to be had. If i tell people how i feel it makes me feel exposed and vulnerable so i end up pushing them away. I’ve done this to myself.
@Bella – because no one likes me as a person, i accepted that but now my family has rejected me. Theres nothing left. I have no energy for myself.
I don’t believe that. if they don’t like you, hang out with people who do value and like you!! cause i don’t see anything wrong about you to not to like you!
Listen, you can learn how to open up to people, and you can go to councelling or classes for assertivenes. you just need to be in a good environmen, around nice people so you CAN open up. plz dont end your life because of this.
Your mother loves you, maybe she has trouble showing it, or you have trouble recognizing it. But it’s so just the same. Plus she loves your uniqueness, like Bella said being unique is a part of life, everyone is. And you aren’t a failure, maybe you failed at some stuff but that doesn’t make you a failure.
Also there is no such thing as “normal”, that’s a concept invented by those who think they are normal.
You’re going to break your mother’s heart. If you do this, she will NEVER stop blaming herself. She may even decide to join you out of remorse. One of the suicide warning signs is to have a family history of suicide. Please find a way to survive.
Im afraid your all wrong. In an ideal world I would love to be wrong and for my Mum to love me to it’s just not true. She takes every opportunity to tell me this.
@Bella – I have one friend in real life. She would rather have new piercings than hang out with me as arranged. I don’t always want to open up to people. I have learnt not to trust, people say you can trust them, things will be kept quiet. Then you realise they kept that promise for all of 5 minutes and everyone knows your business. I know I’m giving out scattered info and I do appologise, there is more to my reasoning than I have put here. I have thought this through again and again. This is my only option. If not now Bella, when? I can’t do this any more. It’s more than mere shyness. I’ve had enough of freaking out if some one says good morning, wondering if they are some how mocking me, did I do or say something wrong? Stick me in a group and I shut down entirely, I end up clinging close go one person and not speaking the whole time. I have been this way since a young girl, never had many friends and the only time my siblings talk to me is if they want something. Other than that they ignore me.
I’m sorry but I can’t live go be hated anymore.
@ sad thoughts- the first time I tried to kill myself when I was 12 I tried talking to her about it. All she had to say was I couldn’t even do that right. Now I have a really bad memory but that day is burned into my brain. I can remember the sound of contempt in her voice and the look of sheer disgust on her face. I’m pretty sure any remorse or tears she shows will be just because it’s what’s expected of her not out of love.
I have to say that at some parts in your letter I really thought I was reading about myself. I feel exactly the same in large groups of people. I don’t know what to say or do, all I know is that I want to go away or fade in with the background, or become invisible what I bassically already am. I always feel realy out of place, and I have nothing to talk about. Well when I try to be part of the confersation there is always someone speaking louder or I dont get listend to. It has bin like that all my live, but started to get used to it and stopt trying to fit in. I completely became myself after stopping to give a fuck about what anyone thought of me. I stopt caring about who loved me or not. And spended all my free time by meself. But I wasn’t lonely. I was with myself, the only person that really gets me. I started to play guitar to express my emotions trough music. They only advice I can give you is to not kill yourself, because you will be doing that to get away from the people that clearly do not love you. Then why would the be worth killing yourself for them. You should just stop caring about what anyone thinks of you, let all your missery go, and start loving yourself. I assure you, once you learn how to ignore the world and be happy with your inner self. You will feel like a different person. And no one can bring you down because you simply dont need anyone but yourself.
I can’t be happy with myself, i’m disgusting.
This is the only way i can get away from them, i still live at home.