Nothing here ever lasts.
I keep forgetting why I write on this website.Â I do it and automatically regret it. I do it because sometimesÂ I need to rant in a public place that is still private. I want others to read what I write. That won’t happenÂ in my journal. At least, I hope not.
Things with him have been going bad and good.Â I can’t imagine leaving him. Not one bit. I will be so unhappy. So so so so so so so so so so unhappy. MyÂ step-dadÂ continuously talks about hooking me up with other people once we move up to Iowa with him. He doesn’t seem to realize that I am in love with my boyfriend. He seems to believe he is just some crush. Some meaningless fling. But he’s not. He’s so much more than that. He’s my one and only.
I still believe that. I wonder if I’ll ever un-believe it. I really hope not. My hope lies with one who is hopeless. Fun fun.
School is shitty. My grades are shitty. Lots of B’s not enough A’s. My mom will notice. She’ll ask what’s been going on. She’ll ask if I’m okay. She’ll ask if I’m depressed. And I’ll act like she’s crazy for asking. Even though we both know I’m not okay. She’s fucking annoying. I can’t stand her at times. All she talks about is how she can’t wait to move and how we’ll be so much better off in Iowa. It’s pretty much the only thing you’ll be hearing when you talk to her. She wants time to go as fast as I want it to slow down. Obviously that means I have a dislike for her. Maybe it won’t last forever. But I think as I get older I’ll want to leave her more and more.
My best friend is coming down to see me for a week, starting this saturday. That will be nice. A nice distraction from all the bullshit. It will make focusing on school work even harder. I’m supposed to be writing a paper right now, but I really don’t feel like doing it. At all.
I don’t know when I’ll be happy. I do know that I cannot be happy with him knowing that I’ll be leaving him in a few months. It used to be so far away. It used to be an endless amount of time. Now it’s a few months. And I want to stop counting. But how can I? My mom is always talking about it. Always.
I tried drinking a little today. I haven’t drank anything since New Year’s. But what I tried tasted really bad to me, so I poured it out. Hopefully, I’ll think all alcohol is gross and I won’t ever drink again. Because that’s a bad habit to get into.
Nothing but memories.
Of what never was.