Nothing here ever lasts.
I keep forgetting why I write on this website. I do it and automatically regret it. I do it because sometimes I need to rant in a public place that is still private. I want others to read what I write. That won’t happen in my journal. At least, I hope not.
Things with him have been going bad and good. I can’t imagine leaving him. Not one bit. I will be so unhappy. So so so so so so so so so so unhappy. My step-dad continuously talks about hooking me up with other people once we move up to Iowa with him. He doesn’t seem to realize that I am in love with my boyfriend. He seems to believe he is just some crush. Some meaningless fling. But he’s not. He’s so much more than that. He’s my one and only.
I still believe that. I wonder if I’ll ever un-believe it. I really hope not. My hope lies with one who is hopeless. Fun fun.
School is shitty. My grades are shitty. Lots of B’s not enough A’s. My mom will notice. She’ll ask what’s been going on. She’ll ask if I’m okay. She’ll ask if I’m depressed. And I’ll act like she’s crazy for asking. Even though we both know I’m not okay. She’s fucking annoying. I can’t stand her at times. All she talks about is how she can’t wait to move and how we’ll be so much better off in Iowa. It’s pretty much the only thing you’ll be hearing when you talk to her. She wants time to go as fast as I want it to slow down. Obviously that means I have a dislike for her. Maybe it won’t last forever. But I think as I get older I’ll want to leave her more and more.
My best friend is coming down to see me for a week, starting this saturday. That will be nice. A nice distraction from all the bullshit. It will make focusing on school work even harder. I’m supposed to be writing a paper right now, but I really don’t feel like doing it. At all.
I don’t know when I’ll be happy. I do know that I cannot be happy with him knowing that I’ll be leaving him in a few months. It used to be so far away. It used to be an endless amount of time. Now it’s a few months. And I want to stop counting. But how can I? My mom is always talking about it. Always.
I tried drinking a little today. I haven’t drank anything since New Year’s. But what I tried tasted really bad to me, so I poured it out. Hopefully, I’ll think all alcohol is gross and I won’t ever drink again. Because that’s a bad habit to get into.
Nothing but memories.
Of what never was.
4 comments
What do you do FOR YOURSELF – and not for, or because of, anyone else?
Why? What do you mean? How does that relate to anything?
Americans are constantly moving from one State to another, as if family, friends, home and life and love were of no importance.
That is a tragegy Moving out away from the fundamentals of your emotional life is destroying the absolute needs of a person. They do it because either companies ask them to do so, or because since there is no committment from the companies, finally they have to wander around the world like some dis-inherited nomads from the Earth going nowhere from Florida to New York, from New York to Texas and from Texas to Montana.
That is the reason of the extreme obesity that plagues the streets and why people clog the shopping malls, it is compulsive consumption in an unconscious attempt to put down the anxiety and emptyness which comes from having been separated from the essentials of a person.
Tell all that to your step father.
Likewise, when I was a foreign student in the US, I did not find a single family that was not wreaked. All of them were made from split ups from different families, and caused a sense of nonbelonging to anywhere and of feeling alien to the fundamental bond that should be the real father, real mother and nothing more than that.
In a country like that, it is nearly impssible to stay mentally healthy. But the rest of the countries in Europe are following, not to be outdone.
So, my girl, do keep the bonds with your boyfriend as much as he is important to you and someday the two of you move to South America and never leave it, because you will find the world and life that you had not imagined that could exist.
Maybe this does not have much to do with your issue, but since I read the story about Iowa, I wanted to transmit to you this (that I think) interesting reflection.
best
I’m going to try my hardest to get back together with him. And I think he’s finally starting to believe that it can happen. I just have to find a way to get through the time I am without him. My parents really want me to move on. I refuse.