Does the past really shape the future…

So…. here I am, and I guess if you want read the rest of this…

Since I was really young, I think maybe I had ADD or something.  I couldn’t focus and I was never aware of what was going on around me.  It affected school but not to a point where I was ever failing, but maybe more in my social relationships.

I didn’t have friends, ever.  Most of the time other kids teased me, especially older children, and I typically felt lonely and depressed then too.  Even in third grade I can remember seeing these two girls, best friends, who I tried to hang out with but eventually stopped because it came to me that they were best friends and I didn’t have that.

So I went through middle school, not as alone and depressed, but passing school and even having friends to an extent.  Things were alright with life, I didn’t do well at anything, but… it wasn’t horrible.  Then the depression and loneliness started coming back in 7th and 8th grade.

We lived in this pretty alright neighborhood, in an alright apartment we rented.   What was considered my old best friend lived across the street, and friends lived up and down the road.  This sounds really great.  It has too, right?

In the summer it would have been nice to interact with people in my same grade and stuff, play into the night and actually form simple relationships with people.  But.. it never happened.  My grandmother who usually acted as my mother, who was in theory and knowledge I have now was invested in crack with her new boyfriend, called us in early and tried her damned hardest to stop other kids from playing with me.  This might sound dumb, but it was horrible.  It was humiliating, and eventually I got the point where I wanted to stay inside my entire life and never come into contact with any of those kids.

I think this is the point I stopped caring.  Depression took hold.  But I think this too is what effects me now, even as a senior about to graduate high school.

I enjoy things, and I like helping people through things, like out of suicide, and in repairing relationships and being there for people when shit is rough.  I thrive off of it because that’s the only way I can be happy, even if I fall in love with the wrong person or I secretly wish they would be my best friend.  But I think this past lost childhood is the start of this tearing loneliness I have now.  I go to school and want to hide because I can’t handle seeing best friends and groups interact with each other.  I go to see the local band play and it’s the same thing, loneliness.  Groups of friends and people.

Even in my online world its so transparent how I’m a loner.  It’s not like I haven’t tried with people or to get something together either.

People say loneliness and depression get better with time… but if you’ve dealt with it so long, time is just a reoccurring thing and it offers no solace, so what am I supposed to do now?