From bad to good to worse…

For as long as I can remember Ive dealt with depression. I always self-medicated with drugs and alcohol. And i managed to do it under the noses of pretty much everyone around me. Id have a couple of shots of vodka before school mixed with some pain killers I had either bought or swiped from a medicine cabinet. And on some days I even brought it in a water bottle and kept it in my locker. I wouldnt get hammered or wasted. But I would only drink enough to feel a little numb. And when that started I just took more drugs.
Well I had been doing this off and on all through my high school years. And on my senior spring break trip, me and a couple of friends went away for a week of nothing but partying. And I thought to myself “What a perfect way to go out with a bang!” Id party all that week and then sometime after we got back “accidently” take a fatal mixture of alcohol and pain meds. But that didnt happen..
During that week I began talking to a girl whom I later fell in love with. She had talked me into taking her to prom. And I had a hard time deciding on actually going through with my plan, or living a little longer to take her to the prom. I thought “Yeah why not? I mean I still have time. Ill just do what I planned sometime afterwards before I graduate.”
I had no clue that my world would be turned around by love. I was so messed up for the longest time but for some reason that didnt matter with her. She made me wanna live again! We dated for nearly two and a half years before everything went back to the way it was with me.
I had never been that close to anybody in my entire life. We had our future planed out. Until she started acting funny. Just little subtle things and when Id ask her about it I always got the “Oh youre just being paranoid” “Im fine I swear!”
She cheated on me with at least two guys. Ill spare some details but as soon as I found out my world came crashing down. My depression got worse than it had ever been. My doctor gave me a higher dose of my meds and a new script for anxiety. BINGO i thought.
I was messed up for a very long time. And had eventually managed to keep my “craziness” down to a manageable level. Ive gotten damn good at faking smiles, laughter, etc. Because now everybody knew about my depression, given my situation. So everybody was making sure I was alright. Nothing that a fake smile couldnt solve.
Its been about a year since I found out she had cheated and I feel like Im just getting worse. I wanna die..but then again I dont…
Thank you for reading and letting me vent to you. Theres alot I left out I tried not to write a novel. But please leave any comments or questions you have for me. Thanks again for reading.