i just want it to stop

okay so i love my friends but they are killing me. its not their fault anything i have i abuse and its just so fucked up and i just want it to stop, want to be happy. i went through bulimia for a while (its coming back to me) and depression. many suicide attempts which were nicks at the neck no more than self harm which i did reguarly but then my parents found out and made me stop. i have a friend i have known her for nine months and i told her about me and she helped me she really did. but i guess it got too much for her. i still love her and she says she loves me too but its gone our friendship died. for a while we hated eachother now we both have moved on but we still do stuff together? i know it sounds petty but i need her even though she told ppl about my secrets and treats me like a second class citizen. along with her some of my best friends and i have moved away from eachother and its getting better but is this it? i didn’t think i would walk around feeling dead crying myself to sleep when i look at myself in the mirror. for a while i had the idea that i had lost weight and walked around in shorts and before long i realised and now its trousers. everytime i talk to someone about it they say im fishing for compliments and attention seeking when i just want someone to help me and love me like my friend did and i know its really all my fault but its so much easier to blame others. everytime something bad happens: an argument etc i will get out the razor and place it on my wrists but i can never press hard enough to cut the vein. i don’t want anyone to know because im so scared i will be alone and that scares me more than anything. im too clingy but if i was left alone it would be a rational excuse to end my life. i feel like im doing it for nothing like i have given no worth to my life. i spend hours on the internet looking up weight loss ways and then i can’t stop eating and i have gained so much weight people have talked to me about it. fml x 100