I have a good home life, I have money, a home, my mom doesn’t beat me half to death every night. But, I’ve led a very sheltered life. I’ve never gone on a road trip, I’ve never camped out, I’ve never had a really great night that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. I know, I have long time to make those great nights, but, I’m fifteen, shouldn’t I already have something to remember?
I’m not special, I don’t know any instruments, sure I can draw alright, but that’s not something that I can just do right here right now.
I’ve talked people out of suicide, I been the shoulder to cry on, but I don’t feel like I’ve done anything really amazing.
I just, I feel…boring, I’ve not been in any school projects. All I do when I go to other countries is just fucking wander about, I don’t make friends, or actually so anything.
I wanna be able to say I’ve done this, and I’ve done that, without the word alcohol being anywhere in there. I want to live this life as much as I can, but I just feel so held back by my own thoughts. ”oh you could do that! but nah, can’t be bothered” ”oh yeah, that sounds like a great idea! but maybe some other time” I just wanna go out there, and be so fucking confident I burst, I’m holding this person, this wonderful person inside of me, and she’s begging to get out, she NEEDS to, or else she’ll suffocate. I don’t want her to die.
Fuck it, I’m taking going to American by myself next fall seriously, I WANT to do something with my life. I don’t wanna just get drunk and party, what the fuck is that going to do, you won’t have anything to remember. I don’t even have any fuckin real friends that aren’t on the internet. They all piss me off, they don’t know me, or get me. They’re nothing like me. They say the are, but they’re all typical teenagers, acting so fucking dumb they actually TURN dumb, getting pissed every night and boasting about it. God, I do it, but I get embarressed about it. I hatethat I’ve taken weed, I don’t fucking do it o I can sleep, I don’t even know if I have insomnia anymore. I’m pathetic, this isn’t me. The suffocating girl inside is me. The one who wants to go on a road trip, and sing in the car.
I wanna live.
4 comments
If i was so good with words as you i would have written a somewhat similar thread.
Where you from???
Sounds good, …good questions. Not sure why you’re being so hard on yourself at 15. I didn’t do anything at 15…perhaps your expectations aren’t quite reasonable. Relax, take it easy….do what comes naturally to you. Michael Jordan wasn’t great in high school. Perhaps you have yet to tap into your gifts….patience, enjoy where you are. When you can do that, you’ll enjoy your journey more easily. People in general are way too hard on themselves….what does that ultimately do? Seriously…it’s wasted energy, so use the same energy and just be grateful for who and what you have….especially for yourself. Cheers!
I’m sure alot of people feel like this, so I’m not surpised
I’m from scotland :3
I’m not saying I want to be famous or anything, I just want something to remember, other than utter depression.