i tried to kill myself the other day. i had a filleting knife. my ex was with me, and i had just apparently scared her like hell, cause i set her on the ground, cause she wouldn’t get out of my way. so she went to her room and cried, and cried… all i said was, “you can’t be scared. you’re like the only thing i have left…” and she turned away from me. i leaned on the wall with both of my hands, let my head back, then slammed it into the wall. i dropped unconscious for a couple seconds, and when i woke up, she was still in her bed. i stumbled into the kitchen, and dug through the drawers, and found the sharpest knife i could… i held it for a second, and thought of what i would do with it. then, without even hearing her footsteps, my ex was in my face, and she saw the knife. her eyes widened, and she panicked. she grabbed the blade with one hand, then held my hand on the knife with the other. she just kept doing that, and i moved the sharp end of the blade away from her fingers, and towards the side of my throat. and then, i seemed to snap out of a trance when she said to me, under her breath, “lets run away together…”
i dropped the knife, and she smacked the SHIT out of me. i literally blacked out for a half a second or so.
but idk what to do now… i told her that this part of me is done, but i still feel an urge sometimes… just to take a razor and dig it into me. just to see if this isn’t some hellish nightmare. nobody even needs me anymore. except my family, but they don’t understand me as much as they should… i wanna run away, but i know nothing will happen with us.
i know the breakup was my fault… and if i can’t fix things, and show her that she didn’t get the real me, nor me the real her, then… idk. i feel like a complete and utter failure to her, and my friends. i think that this is why i’ve been feeling like this… nobody’s giving me a chance… and i’ve only fucked up majorly, one time… yeah, i have a lot of minor things too, but everyone has those… but at least everyone else gets a chance… but does devon get any? no, he’s strong enough to deal on his own. nobody cares that he has had suicidal thoughts… nobody’d care if i was gone, or at least they make it feel that way, and they don’t even attempt to change my mind about that…
7 comments
Oh jesus… those 4 simple words “Let’s run away together.” I swear that would save my life if someone cared enough to say it to me & mean it.
But I guess, judging by the way she decked you, your ex was just using it as a trick.
I don’t know what to say… I guess it all depends on whether she was serious or just BS’ing you. Still it must’ve been great just to hear a human being say that in your ear.
she wouldnt have tried to stop you if she didnt still care about you mayb yall should try n work things out
she actually continued talking about it with me… i stayed with her until about 1 AM, chatting about where we might go, what we might do… she actually sounded really serious about it. i think the smack was just cause she was probably thinking “how could you do this to me, or even think about this?”
we were thinking of taking my xbox, and tv, and selling it, and selling some of her shit… and just leaving… that’s about $900 right there… if we could get a job… idk… it is a very minute possibility… but it’s there.
and hailey… she has already promised another guy that she’d go out with him… and they’re gonna have a long one… more than likely a year+… i guess i just may have to find someone else… if they even want me, which i doubt, cause everyone tries to fucking slander my name.
oh wow that fucked up but at least you know she still cares and you never know youll find the right person one day it just takes time
but i need to show her that i failed in our relationship. i NEED to make that up, otherwise it will always be digging into the back of my head.
yeah true and thats never good