Well, I found this site when I used google to search for “painless ways to die.” Maybe I was meant to find it.
I am weary and tired of fighting. I won’t go into my life story – it would take pages and pages. Suffice it to say that I was raised in a strong Christian home with a dad who told me he loved me, but never spent quality time with me. He was a preacher, and the church always came first. My mom was completely stressed out with 4 kids and no money (preachers are poor because the fucking church just takes advantage of them) so she was constantly angry. I could never please her. I was constantly yelled at, told I was worthless (not always directly, but indirectly) and occasionally slapped or hit.
I was also a fucking fat ass. I began struggling with obesity at a very early age, and by elementary school, I was definitely the fattest kid. I kept getting bigger and bigger. I weighed more than 300 pounds when I graduated from high school. I was smart and popular, but I hated myself.
I also found myself attracted to men (I’m male). As you can imagine, this didn’t jive with my religious upbringing. I’m here to tell you right now, NO ONE makes a choice to be gay. However, at the same time, there’s a reason so many gay people commit suicide. Yes, societal rejection has something to do with it, but the main reason is because you hate yourself. You desperately want to be normal, but don’t know how. You can’t control the feelings of attraction and it drives you crazy.
I know lots of you are going to disagree with me, but I firmly believe that the reason I am attracted to men has little to do with my genes. Yep, maybe there are some things about me that tend to lead that way, but the main reason I’m attracted to men is because I was completely rejected by men for my entire life and I have always wanted to bond and “be one of the guys.” This is healthy psychological development, and I was denied it because of my obesity. At the same time, I had no father figure to help me figure out how to be a man, so I grew up as a wuss. I was also abused by an older teenage boy when I was 9 years old for a couple of years. I call it abuse, but I actually liked it – it was the first positive male bonding I had ever experienced.
A couple of years ago, I reached 430 pounds and was just about dead. I was committing slow suicide, you see – that’s what most extremely overweight people do. I decided I wanted to live, and over about 2 years, I lost 230 pounds. Now, I’m fighting like hell to keep it off, and I’m slowly losing the battle. I thought I would be more attractive to women, but I’m even uglier. I thought I would finally be able to be a “normal” person, but I was left with saggy skin that makes me look like even more of a freak. I thought my life would matter, but instead I see no value in it and I want to die.
I got engaged in December to a wonderful woman who knows my struggles. They scare the hell out of her, but she’s stuck with me so far. Now I’m battling the idea that I have to let her go before I kill myself because I can’t stand the thought of causing her even more pain. My body is my worst enemy. I became healthy, but it wants to be unhealthy. I love my fiancee the best I can (it’s very hard to love when your heart is surrounded by layers of protective walls) and she does turn me on. My body responds, but I fear ever being able to satisfy her. God hates me. I hate me. I am worthless shit and the time has come to clean the outhouse. I can’t take this pain anymore, but I’m too stupid and wussy to know exactly how to end it. I don’t want to hear the gay rights bullshit either. If you are happy and gay – good for you, I’m happy for you too. I’m UNHAPPY and gay and I don’t want to be gay. In fact, I know I’m not gay – I’m a victim of circumstances and a victim of a body that refuses to comply.
Anyhow, thanks for listening. My therapist (yes, I’ve tried therapy) says venting will help. I hope so. I really don’t want to die, but I can’t bear the pain for much longer. I’m slowly killing myself with food again – maybe that’s the route to go. At least it would be an enjoyable route until the very end.
10 comments
I’m sorry you’re going through so much pain.
I hope you don’t mind my pointing out – I see a couple of problems with your logic and so with your solution.
The thing is, you’re trying not to hate yourself, and you’re trying not to hate yourself by getting rid of the part of you which you hate – the gay part (leaving your body aside for a minute). But you yourself say that no one chooses to be gay – so it’s not very likely that you can choose NOT to be gay.
I’m not saying that you can’t, and more power to you if you can find happiness with your fiance.
What I am saying is that, reading your post, it seems like you’re perpetuating your self-hate rather than getting rid of it. in my own experience, the only way to get rid of the parts of myself that I hate have been to accept them, rather than to fight against them – acceptance and love transforms behaviour, while hate doesn’t.
Easier said than done!
Also, there are plenty of people who become gay even when they have good male bonding – if that wasn’t true, then ancient Greece would not have been so full of homosexuals – there was certainly plenty of male bonding happening in that society.
I understand your pain.
I myself weighted 300lbs by the end of 2010. Right now I’m down to 270 and I’m really scared of the saggy skin, but I keep trying. Maybe I’ll be attractive.
But, aside from that, why can’t you just accept that you are bisexual? It would be healthier than to hate yourself. You have to come to terms with that, I suppose.
if you excersise while dieting your sking wont be saggy just left over my sistrer recently lost 100 pounds and she goes to the gym everyday
It doesn’t really work like that, lost. It depends mostly on how fast you lose your weight, how long you’ve had it on and genetics.
I hear surgery is not perfect, but it can help a lot.
that is true
Please don’t speak for all gay people. I’m gay and I don’t hate myself. Never have, never will. I am normal. I am who I am. If other people don’t like it, that’s their problem, not mine. Most gay people do not hate themselves, any more than non-gay people do. I’m sorry you hate yourself.
Hey im bi in a relationship with a girl for 11 months im proud of it i love myself if your comfortable with your sexuality so will other ppl
i was in a rekationship for 11 months (past tense)
dylan and pretty boy: I’m not speaking for everyone – I think I made that point near the end of my post. If you are happy and and at peace with being gay, that’s great. However, when you say “most gay people”, it depends on who you are referring too (those who are out and those who aren’t). Many people, like me, struggle with unwanted same-sex attractions. I know that I would never be at peace even if I were “out”. I am not gay – I have always wanted to be married to a woman and enjoy sex with her!
There are lots of people in the same boat as me. Statistically, gay people commit suicide at a much higher rate than the overall population. Some of this is probably because of fear and rejection, but a lot of it has to do with their own internal battles. I’m not the only one who feels this way.
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