The Wizard

Hello there. I found this site a few days ago and have been debating on whether or not I should join. Well, I joined.
I created this story as a way to try to express how I’ve been feeling lately to my friends. I’m not quite sure if they understood it though…
Anyway, I’ll try to post more info after the story. It just seems like it would be easier to me that way.

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A figure walks into a room and inside the room is a wizard. He walks up to the wizard and asks, “I have heard that you are a great wizard and are able to fulfill anyone’s dreams in exchange for a small task. I have come to you in an attempt to preform this task, and in return I hope you will help me become the person I have always wanted to be.” The wizard hands the figure a glass vase and tells the figure to fill the vase up so that it is full. As the figure examines the vase, he notices that the bottom is cracked and full of large holes. Concerned, he asks the wizard how he’s supposed to fill the vase if it’s in a state such as this. The wizard replies that he can use anything on the shelf next to him to fill it, as long as it gets completely full. “A warning however,” the wizard states, “this vase is full of dark spirits that will attach themselves to you and remove the person you are inside. The longer you take to fill it the more dire your situation will become. Eventually, the only thing that will remain of you is an empty shell.”  The figure shrugs this problem off, thinking that somthing on the shelf will help him fill the holes. On there shelf are some books and some labeled bottles. He grabs a book and begins ripping out pages, and then ripping the pages into smaller pieces so that it will fit into the neck of the vase. “Are you going to try to make the bottle fixed with knowledge?” asks the wizard. The figure nods, “I will try.”  The pieces, now small enough to fit into the bottle, easily slip through the holes and end up on the floor. Some of the pieces however, remain and stay stuck in the cracks which keep them from falling out. Unfortunately though, when he looks at them through the holes he sees that they all contain random information that don’t help him complete his task. The figure then moves over on the shelf and grabs a large bottle full of a thick, syrupy liquid that contains strange glowing gooey spheres with smiling faces on them. “Are you going to try to fill the bottle with happiness and smiles?” the wizard asks. “I will try,” the figure replies again. He pours the yellow liquid down the neck of the vase, and for a moment he seems to think that this will fill it completely. The spheres plug up the holes, and when the bottle is empty he turns to the wizard with a triumphant look on his face. The wizard gives a smile and points to the bottle. The figure turns and looks down in shock: the spheres that had begun to disintegrate, allowing the liquid to spill out of the vase and onto the floor, just like the paper had. “Smiles are only temporary,” the wizard says. The figure, now starting to get frustrated that his attempts are failing, begins grabbing bottles at random and pouring them all into the vase. None of the liquids in the bottles stayed in the vase. As each failed, the figure began to get more and more desperate, frantically grabbing bottles off the shelf. Finally, there was only one bottle left. On the front was written the word, ‘Love.’  The wizard walks over to the figure and looks down at him, “Are you going to try to fill the vase with love?” The figure stares down at his last chance. Already he felt the spirits acting on him; his body felt heavy and tired, and all of the confidence he had in himself at the beginning was gone. Now he was just working through the motions. He uncorks the last bottle and pours its entire contents into the vase. The liquid from the bottle clung to the sides and when it came to the bottom it didn’t leak out. The figure stared and smiled, but the wizard only shook his head. “It’s not full yet.” He then hands the figure a smaller bottle that glowed with an unusual light. “What is this?” the figure asks. The wizard replies, “Hope.” The figure uncorks the bottle and pours it into the vase. The liquid rises and as it’s about to touch the top of the vase, it begins to go down again. He slowly watches as “Love” begins to dry and flake apart and “Hope” begin to disappear.
Finally, when the vase is completely empty, the man stands up and walks out of the room, not saying a word to the wizard.
“Hope” is gone.
“Love” has disappeared.
Now all that’s left is emptiness.
As time passes, the person the figure was begins to disappear into the darkness. Fear, paranoia, and depression are the only things that remain. The emptiness in his chest however, only grows wider as these spirits continue to inhabit his body and consumes him. They leave behind pain: dull aching pain that never goes away.Every day he wakes up to this, and every night as well. At first, sleep was the only relief, but now his dreams are full of nightmares, and no rest remains. His body tightens up, and as he tries to fight it he shakes. If he lets the fear overtake him for that moment, he feels like he’s drowning in the darkness. In the dark there lies too much noise. It’s not physical sound, but instead he feels it. It’s the movement of words in his head, it’s the rush around him that causes his skin to tingle. Time moves as the world moves on the outside, and in his head he sees this, but the feeling of rushing is too much. To him, it’s as if he were in a hurricane and the wind is moving everywhere around him. The darkness never stops consuming him. Eventually all of the figure is taken over, and the person he was gets swallowed by the darkness. Right before he disappears however, he gives a final smile.
“At least the pain will be over.,” he thinks.
It will all be over, and I’ll be free.

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I wrote this last night before I went to bed at 2 am. It just seemed like it was time to get all these thoughts out of my head. To better understand me, I’ll give some background. Im 19, and a freshman in college who’s about to finish her first year in May. My parents are divorced, and I’m an only child. Because of this, I was raised by my mother and her side of the family. To explain my parents divorce, I can summarize it as: they were married for 10 years before they had me, and when they found out, my father became a belligerent asshole. Though I doubt that explains the situation as I want it to. Basically, when my parents found out that my mother was pregnant with me, my father became abusive and neglectful. He would push her into tables and leave bruises. He wouldn’t bring her food to eat so she was only able to eat for the most part, food from the McDonald’s where she worked. This led me to being born full term, but I appeared small as if I were premature. During my childhood, my family went to court several times and had a restraining order placed on my father. This however didn’t stop him from trying to contact me, or harassing my family. He would ignore the restraining order and come to my elementary school to see me, send packages and threatening letters(one of which told how he would teach me to create a pipe bomb to “blow the bad people up,” and by bad people he was referring to my mother’s family. I was 5 at this time,) and he tried to run over my grandfather. During the times when he would come to my school, he would always say that he loves me and I would reply the same back. To tell you the truth however, I only did it to be polite, cause that’s how I was raised to treat everybody, and when I went to court at 18 to say if I wanted my father to have visitation rights I made that very, very clear.

Moving on to my mother, she’s 61 years old, Filipino born woman who doesn’t work and lives on her SSI, in a house owned my my grandmother. She has Asperger’s which makes her very difficult to go to whenever I’m having a problem because when I try to talk to her, she either ignores me completely, or doesn’t talk to me and walks away. Assuming that is because of her Asperger’s of course. I love her dearly, but as a person I sometimes have a hard time getting along with her. She is a pack rat and lives like a hermit. The only times she goes outside in public is when one of her siblings take her somewhere. She also doesn’t drive. At home she mostly sits on the computer playing games(and sometimes talking to the characters, god forbid) and watching tv. I try to help her as much as I can at home since she’s the only one there, but often times she refuses help. Though she is the oldest sister out of seven siblings(4 sisters, 3 brothers. my mother is 3rd born.) she is often used and manipulated by her youngest sister into helping her raise her kids and being taken advantage of financially, even though she has no money(story on this later).

About me, I’m an art major. I want to make things for a living because I like drawing and working with my hands. Next semester, if I can(more on this later,) I want to change my major from Communication Design to Industrial Design and also double major in Computer Science. I have a boyfriend in the Navy and we’ve been together for 8(going on 9) months already. He was one of my best friends in high school, so we know each other very well. Because he’s in the Navy I don’t get to see him very often, but whenever I do I always love spending time with him. The way we connect is just amazing, and it really does lead me to believe that he will marry me someday, assuming I make it that far. Aside from him, I have two other best friends. I also have a few other friends, but they’re not people I would trust my life with.

I’m pretty sure this is getting to become a really long read, and I’m sorry for that. I’ll try to shorten everything up as I end it, and if you have any questions please leave them for me to answer asap.

1. At the end of the year I will have to pay my school a little over $1,800 because I didn’t receive enough financial aid at the beginning of the year. For many months I worried how I would take care of this, and I’m pretty sure this is the main cause of how I am now. My mother said she would take out a loan to pay for this, but due to her low income and another problem I will list in a second, I worry if this is such a bright idea.

2. My aunt, the youngest sister, has a cake business that she runs in her home. She wanted to expand her house so her business would have more room, but she needed some money to do it. Here’s the problem: she took $1,000 out of my mom’s checking account to pay for the construction. The money that came out of my mom’s account was actually supposed  to be from my grandma’s account instead. That left my mom with no money in that account, and made the rest of my family pissed beyond all hell. Except my grandma. She said that we were picking on the youngest aunt for a mistake. Anyway, my grandma and my oldest uncle(1st born out of the 7) are supposed to be coming back from Florida to help my mom out of this situation. I really hope they come back soon, cause that money was my mom’s living money AND my school money.

3. That aunt who fucked up my mother’s money is also the one that pays her bills. Or I should say, was supposed to pay her bills but always paid them late. This has led to her getting her water shut off on many an occasion, along with some other fuck ups, and now my family is deciding to switch control over to the 2nd oldest sister to help my mom out. Which is about time they did that too. Because I’m never home, I often worry about how my mom is doing. If they can change control I might have to worry a little less in the end.

4. My grandma is an ornery person. She doesn’t seem to like anybody. Which is strange, because before my grandpa died she was the nicest, most energetic old lady ever. Which is a shame. Now she doesn’t like me, or my boyfriend, or my cousins, or my mom. It doesn’t seem she likes anybody anymore, and I hate being around her now because every time I talk to her she makes me feel like shit. Which ties around to…

6. My aunts(2nd oldest and youngest) both seem to hate me. The youngest just hates me, and the 2nd oldest just makes me feel like a failure. Constantly. I hate going to family gatherings now because every time I do I always just want to walk out of the house and start crying.

7. Also because of my money situation, I don’t know if I’ll even be able to go to school next year. I’m trying to transfer to a cheaper school and I’ve already filled out my fafsa, but if I can’t pay off this year’s amount I don’t know if I’m even going to be able to transfer. In order to do that I need to send my transcript from this school, but there’s a hold on it because I still owe money.

…Oh man I hope that’s everything. But yeah, I don’t have many friends, I don’t trust many people, I’m in a financial hole, my family makes me feel like crap, and my mom is in a bad situation that if it get’s any worse will fuck me up royally. I have too many problems that I don’t know how to fix, and I don’t even think that I can fix them. I feel worthless, and anxious and get panic attacks all the time, and it’s driving me insane. I feel as if I don’t even know myself anymore. I don’t want to kill myself, I just want a way out. But it seems like it might happen.
To tell you the truth, a few weeks ago I had planned on doing it. I was going to do it after spring break, so it would have been like this week or next week. But now, I feel like the situation’s changed and if i did it now that would be too soon. I’m just really confused about everything.

So could anyone please comment? I really would like to talk.