4 Years

Today I’ve celebrated 4 years happy. I spent 6 years depressed, almost 2 of those suicidal. There was no worse feeling than trying to decide what is the most accessable, and most effective why to kill myself. Spending countless hours trying to figure out who would come to my funeral out of love, not obligation. And to make it worse I hid the pain behind a happy, very convincing smile. It was a day by day process to get here. Think of the people (no matter how few you think they are) that will miss you and love you. Focus on the little thingd that make you happy. For me it was smeling flowers walking to class, cuddling the cat or the music at a concert I went to…even getting a better than expected grade. Those things add up. Distract yourself a little, find a job or hobby just to take time away from feeling like you don’t matter. Doing something gives you more of a purpose (ie another reason to be happier). You are amazing, embrace what makes you different don’t be ashamed. Love yourself first, be a little selfish. If you can’t love you, the wall you’ve built around yourself will keep everyone out…and keep you in the darkness. To this day my parents don’t know I was depressed, they thought I was just shy and ‘being a teenager’. I’m now 26, own a house, live in a new state (ok I ran away from a few problems) but worked really hard on focusing on the happy moments and they mulitplied over time. You are loved!