in a bad place right now

i am 18 years old. about a month ago i dropped out of college in tennessee right before finals after finding out my mother had been stealing money out of my savings account. i basically had a nervous breakdown and my older cousin said i could come live with her in florida until i figured out what i wanted to do next. things got a lot worse once i moved here. i still have not been able to find a job and feel horrible that i am basically forced to live off my cousin and her husband. just a few days ago i wrecked my truck and it is not longer drive-able. so right now it is sitting in the driveway and i am sitting in the house, no way to go out and continue looking for jobs or look for a new truck. i know i am at a dead end and seriously have nothing to live for.

i always get urges to commit suicide, i have been getting them since i was really young. today was pretty bad. i was at a major league baseball game with my cousin, was having fun, then all of a sudden had the urge to jump off of the building. i walked up there and had to mentally talk myself out of it for almost an hour. it was hard because not to sound pathetic, but i really have no reason to live and am only cause my cousin stress. the only reason i did not jump this morning is because i knew a public place was not the right place to do it, and would scar alot of people there.

i used to regularly try to kill myself when i still lived with my parents, before college. i did it about 6 times, all drug overdoses, but i kept waking back up from them unsuccessful. one time my parents caught me and i ended up in the hospital. when i was released (which i definitely should not have been) my mother thought it was funny that i tried to commit suicide, and totally did not care when the doctors told her i had enough coke in my system to kill 2 people. back then i had a very bad drug problem and would take anything i could get my hands on. i do not think this phase is over, and i know i will still take anything put infront of me.

i am not going to deny that i have dangerous mood swings, depression, and possibly bipolar disorder. i am very aware when these episodes hit me and do my best to calm myself down. but lately i dont have the will to live and am sick of pulling myself out of these holes when i know im going to end up right back in them later.