It’s just over.

I try to think of what the significance of today was and I come up short. I can tell you what I did, when I did it and why but it’s already happened, that moment has passed. And life is just a bunch of passing moments until you come to a brick wall that you just cannot seem to pass. Whether it be chosen or not that moment comes from everyone.

I sit here and I wonder how many other people feel the same way I do, how many people have done the things I’ve done and continued. There are thousands of posts all over this website of people begging for a way to end it, looking for advice or seeking some kind of companionship among people they hope will understand.

I think about my family and friends in these last moments, knowing that I have finally reached my limit and how all this anger will be let go. How I won’t be here anymore to hold onto it and how the people I have left behind will react. It’s hard to image a world that you won’t be a part of, a world where you know that you have left behind people that you care about. Part of me thinks that I am selfish, that somehow, someway I had asked for all that has been laid out in front of me and I am taking the cowards way out.

I have no regrets about the life I lived or the people that I shared it with. I have no regrets about deciding that I simply cannot do this anymore. Everyone is given a chance to live but ultimately we all end up in the same place right? Life is just the tugging and pulling of emotion and ambition, and sooner or later you reach a point of no return.

My mom is sleeping at the other end of the house and I can only imagine her surprise when she runs in here after hearing the gun shot. She use to tell me that girls never shot themselves, that they were too vain to ruin their appearance even in death. I can’t help but imagine the blood on the white tile that she keeps so clean or the screaming as she tries to keep my little sisters out of the room.

I can’t imagine the realization on my best friends face as he reads the text I’ll send him tomorrow, knowing that my very last words were to him and how much he meant to me. And how he will think that he should have been able to stop it or take fault for not knowing how close I’ve been for awhile now.

The truth is when you reach this point, nobody can pull you back. You can’t erase the past and start over, and you don’t know that tomorrow will be better just like everyone promises. Nobody has walked in your shoes and nobody can fully understand the uniqueness of a life that has been spent in pain.

They say that suicide is a temporary permanent solution to a temporary problem.. but don’t we all die at some point? Life is only temporary and death is inevitable. So whats the difference if I choose to pull the trigger now?

May 19th, 2011 : 11:50 – Just another day, ending with one less person.