this anit a cry for help i just need to vent before i spaz…… everyone around me expects me to perfect but how can i be when they all call me worthless.. they all want me to get my shit stright but how can i when all i can think about is the past. watchin my my get knocked out everyday by my crack head step father and my dad not caring about me all he wanted was to party.. i know my life might not be anywere near as bad as some ppl and i feel bad for them but this is my life my issues my problems so dont try to say it could be worse. i got this monster inside me that wants out. it wants to make EVERYONE PAY for the pain they have caused me from him hitting me and breakin my moms arm to my father the asshole who said that im useless worthless a waste of space.. they wonder why i got kicked outta school and went to court and got called crimaly insane at the age of 14 and ya that happend i ripped a bar off a chair in school and hit a kid in the face with it for sayin shit about my sister -.- and now i gotta a new girlfriend that means the world to me but i always feel like im not enough like i could never be enough i try to make my self think i am but.. its true i am worthless and useless.. i used to be a pot head and sell and deliver it and used to be drunk 24/7 i hate this life i live and everyday i want it to end just so all the shit will go away but the only reason i havnt is because of kaylee… (btw thats my gf) if it wasnt for her i wouldnt be here cause i poped 40 sleep aids and she talked me into thorwin them up -.- (btw VERY PAINFUL) but now iv asked her to marry me and she is sort of sayin yes but i know somthin will happen such as she will get over me or just hate me the same way i hate me (and no i hate a women beater or nothin like that i grew up watchin it and i want anyone who does that shit DEAD) iv tried to end this twice so no one has to deal with me and so i can be gone of this pain and these memories that hunt me but the first time my friend took me to the E.R to get stitch’s and the second i already told u -.- maybe im ment to live a life of pain or maybe she will be the one and maybe she will fix me :S idk all i do know is i wish i could end it but i cant knowin she would too
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Okay, for one you are meant to keep on living not just for me.. But for your sisters and mother. Screw everyone else okay? :/
No one is perfect and for anyone to expect you to be is ridiculous. I never expect you to change or anything, because you ARE perfect the way you are. There is a reason that you havent died yet just like there is for me.. And I think you know why<3. And Austin, I could never think that way about tyou.. that your worthless and useless. You make my days worth living.
i know i anit perfect i anit shit i dont mean shit im just a spec on the plant if i died tonight it might hurt for awhile but everyone would move on…. and i really do love u i swear i… i just know im not the one u want :/ i mean.. im prayin for us to be.. i just know im not wat u want or wat u need im not rich im not buff im worthless nothing a low life and u and my sisters r the only reason im not cuttin my neck wide open rite now cause thats all i cant hink about then… u pop in my head and i accually smile then i rember how u will just get over me like every other girl and just dump me and move on :/ and i dont wanna feel that pain not again :/ its sad i could take u cheatin on me or somthin but i would die as soon as u left me : /sad thing is ppl here r already tryin to say that u r and iv told them all to go fuck them selfs even if they have somthin that might help prove it which one almost sort of did i just fuck u cause.. i love u and i dont wanna belive it i wanna trust u enough that u wont or if u did u would say it to me :/ i just… idk anymore i wanna marry you and spend my life with you but i know ull change ur mind and i wanna help fix u but ur rite i need to be fixed tooo…. everymorning i wake up to a nightmare of hearing my mom screaming in pain cause up him but i always just try and smile and act like im ok but im runnin out of fake happines and u make me happy but i see i dont make u happy enough :/ cause u still want out
LOL… I don’t go for money.. i don’t go for big buff guys… and it would take me longer than you think to get over the fact you’re dead… and even then.. after the tears would stop.. i’d have that emotional scar forever.. if i haven’t then already killed myself.. wait people are saying i’m cheating on you… what… I would never cheat… Austin Jase.. I’ve been cheated on.. I won’t put someone through that pain… Never…. Everyone wants out.. It’s just… My problems are deeper than depression.. 🙁 It takes time…. I just… wow.. 🙁