Since My Last Episode

A few days ago, I wrote a piece describing my ordeal on the day that I attempted to off myself. That day still feels surreal to me; I don’t know how or why I didn’t go through with it. I had to make up yet another lie to convince my parents to let me back. I just did not have it in me to divulge to them that I’m not attending any school, so had to make up a story that I couldn’t get a proper loan and wanted desperately to keep that from them while searching for a job in hopes of landing one and pursuing the school at some later time.

So they bought that story line, and I feel like a worthless piece of meat for running them around as if they haven’t done enough for me, i.e. housing me, feeding me, etc.. It’s eating me alive but what can I do? Either come clean and get booted on the street and eventually withered away or prolong this hell. I am a very clean person; don’t do drugs, drink, cause any sort of trouble, go above and beyond to help them. So it is not as if I’m giving them an excuse to get rid of me.

I haven’t been eating much; frankly, a few spoons of rice, a dozen dates, and a salad are all I’ve had since last Friday. I’ve lost almost 10 lbs in 5 days. Since I don’t see myself becoming homeless for at least the next two weeks (but who knows, it might change), I’ve been religiously looking for a temp work in retail, grocery, anything. I’ve probably applied to over 30 stores or businesses–no response so far. 3 has even responded in less than an hour of filling the applications rejecting me right off the bat; a crushing blow to my self-esteem and delicate psyche.

Since my predicament in a sense is pertinent to finding a professional job, which I’ve been failing to seek since many many years now, not being able to even land a simple temp work is proving almost soul crushing at this point. I had no idea these companies don’t even consider someone in my position. It is no as if I’m aiming for a $50k/yr position but rather a misery hourly job that is going to work me death anyway. I had even planned to work 16 hours/day if I had to but nothing is coming up.

Knowing that, I’m on the verge of last resort to do something drastic. Initially, I had thought to purchase a proper rope and hang myself if my parents left me no other choice to remain there or request for some deed I could not fulfill. However, it was not materialized, and frankly, that is the main reason I’m fanatically looking for work to at least make some money to pay expenses and hopefully leave enough for my funeral (cremation). But nothing is coming up despite dozens of applications being filled, countless calls to stores, meeting various store reps to plea my case. None, zip, null. I know it’s been 2 or 3 days, but I remember being able to land one of these jobs in a heart beat. Am I overly qualified? Me! Risible.

My mother tells me she can get a loan for school. Argh! It breaks my heart; I want to tear myself from inside out. How can I tell her I didn’t even get accepted into any school without goading them into throwing me out on the street for my multi-year-long deception and destroying their trust? I keep telling her, they shouldn’t waste a dim on me because I might not be able to repay them. I know, with this current scheme, I’m only extending my worthless life for another 3 months, or perhaps even less, but what can I do?

I don’t understand how the majority of people on this forum, or others, are so familiar with prescription drugs of multicolor with panoply of bizarre marketing names. How can you even afford all these drugs? I don’t have a health insurance but even if I did, I couldn’t spend a penny on anything other than gas money. I’ve been selling all my belongings since last year at a steep discount. My libido is almost non-existence–all gone. I’m no longer a sexual sentient. I no longer weep for what I will miss after I die–that part has died within me since last week. I don’t reminisce, not because it would be painful, but rather a lack of will to feel nostalgic.

I am in a suspension between reality and void. I’m still inclined to go ahead with my plan and hang myself in the attic. At least, they won’t be able to find me for a day or two. I’m even planning to put a towel on my head so my strangulated complexion does not scare them once found. I want to make it as painless as possible for them. As a matter of fact, the very reason I wanted to jump off the cliff in the public place was to make it look like an accident, a wandering adventurer, so they don’t be humiliated in front of family and friends. I guess that plot is out of the picture now and long exposed.

My plight continues to hunt me…