This weeks journal/diary thing

May 16th, 2011 5:19 PMWell, today went pretty well. I drove to school, my math teacher screamed at the class for being “so gosh darn dumb”. I went to bio and didn’t have to present my endocrine system poster. I went to English and got assigned new seats and books to read. I have an essay due Thursday, but I have to go to the library, because I have no computer or Internet at my dads place. P.E., we played Batmitton against the opposing class and I lost 2 of 3 games against girls. Lunch, I ate chips and had to stomach my friend making up a story about him and his friend having gay anal sex and it seemed pretty believable. Then he started talking about the last time he jacked off. That was hilarious, but History I saw a movie about hockey, US against Soviets, don’t know the name of the movie. Spanish, I failed a test we took Friday. 68% and even Cody, a black kid, got 94% and I’m Mexican. I drove home after the movie in Spanish class about immigration (ironic huh) and got home. Then I left to the liquor store and bought chips, 2 almond joys, Ferraro Rochers, a vanilla coke, and some watermelon Five gum. I came home and ate it, then went to my room after watching some stupid show about anti-whaling with my 11 year old brother. Wish I could do something to rebel against something for a cause. I now sit on my bed writing on my iPhone, thinking about when I will take my driving permit test and how life is somewhat pointless. And I take a deep breath and choke out. A couple times I do it, maybe it’s because I’m bored, or still depressed. Everyone who’s depressed get off suicide project, it gets you depressed. I wrung my neck, wondering if I would ever kill myself… Probably not. I wish I could ask a girl out, but my speaking/social skills are horrible. And because I’m mexican, I guess it’s genetic, I somewhat stutter when I speak. I wish I had voices in my head, I get lonely sometimes. Sometimes I talk to the shadows wishing Rogue Shadow was real (my fantasy of an alter ego, an assassin born of shadows, like an imaginary friend, the demon inside me, you get the point, right?). Anyone got an imaginary friend/alter ego/ demon inside them/ voices in their head? Now when you hear the voices, can you quote word for word what they say? I’ve had dreams of darkness and mean voices speaking gibberish to me when I was about 12/13. Try to answer these questions I would like responses. I wanna make this post special, so how about I start like this. Hopefully no one else does this. How about we make an army of soulless humans. Ready to die, because there’s no point. We will promote charities and go against the government, we will fight in wars and kill and progress through life. Or just hang ourselves and become a mass suicide. Let’s overload heaven and he’ll with mass suicide counts. Just kidding, thats a little crazy. But that’s the reason no one does anything, because we’re all afraid what others will say.
 “If you’ve got more to give then you’ve got to prove
Put your hands up and I’ll copy you

I said Put your hands up and I’ll copy you
Put your hands up and I’ll copy you
If you’ve got more to give then you’ve got to prove
Put your hands up and I’ll copy you…
We shall not be moved
Except by a system thats rotten ”
-Flobots  Stand Up
Let’s stand up, people. How about I Stand up and do something and we’ll play follow the leader, I will do something, as long as I have all of you (people of this world, that are different in great ways and stuff) backing me up, alright?

Let’s see….. powerful words over the Internet. Anyone want to become a leader, stop following and do some of the talking then. How about it? Let’s stand up and follow you, too. Fuck the government, and fuck the illuminati. Fuck the jehovahs witnesses and fuck the new order. Let’s ban together and fuck them up. 

Now back to life, and away from our battle against our oppressors. I spent all weekend Playin video games and Sunday Playstation Network got back on. I was so estatic. Add me on PSN, and send me a message saying you’re from the suicide project (SP). Now to the makers of suicide project, can you please make an app for this, so I can favorite some stories while I’m away from the Internet in my dads place? I would really enjoy it, make it $0.99 or even $1.99. We can get you money haha. And if you want it to be a nonprofit organization, donate it to suicide hotlines and stuff. Charities of all sorts if you like. 

Is there anyone from California, and if so anyone near Thousand oaks or oxnard? Chat me up.

5:27 PM
I’m sitting in my car listening to music, what station is it for Rock music, the good kind haha, like Hollywood undead or recognizable and good music. I don’t know shit other than rap and hip hop and R&B. So I’m gonna do homework and it’s boring in here, I’m so bored nothing to do. Stop bickering, I tell myself. Anyways, it’s a stupid Monday and I’m probably gonna send this to suicide project on Friday or Saturday.

I’ve been looking at more details everywhere, I see the most beautiful girls in school, makes me wish I could ask one out. Too bad I don’t have the balls to and I wouldn’t know what to do, because I always make the stupidest decisions especially when I don’t know what I should do. 

8:10 PM
My cousin Angel made a surprise visit and I was listening to music in my car. I haven’t seen him in a year because I hate him. We chatted and caught up, and he reminded me he got his girlfriend pregnant. He’s 17 or 18 and I guess he got surgery to take out his cancer. I wonder if he still does marijuana. Anyways, now I’m sitting in my car listening to 104.7 and this music is weird, sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me? Letting an alien anal probe you and abduct you and fucking an alien, WTF? That sounds like illuminati music (second song) and the first song is probably about a girl liking BDSM. 

Ugh, I’m so bored, I should finish my homework and then go inside and eat some food… Whatever, I’m just gonna choke out and then daydream about random shit. Wish Nycolle said yes, but then how would we be if I can’t/couldn’t even talk to her. I just choked out and couldn’t hear anything and then my arms spazzed out making me hit my elbows and then the music came back up. I couldn’t see, hear or feel anything. Cool huh? Im done, I should stop after this last time. I should stop before I try cutting or something.

I wish I wasn’t in love with my cousin jasmine. Kind of stupid, and retarded, but then there’s her dad who wants to kill me. At least they left him now, but he wants revenge on me. Someone give a gun to shoot me

Now here I sit, lonely as fuck, wishing someone was with me. Alone in this car, in the dark… Bored, with crazy songs and crazy ideas in my head. Let’s shut me down… Or better yet kill me…
May 17th 3:26 PM
Just got home from walking home. Could have driven If car would start. Could have driven if dad picked up the phone, I called him 7 times next to a house with wi-fi (my Itouch/phone is out of service so I use text now app to call and text when I got wifi) an texted him but probably he left his fone in his car like always. Luckily I only live a 40 min. jog from the house, but the point is my fucking dad didn’t answer, so I’m stuck here in this fucking house with depression setting in, boredom coming back, causing me to choke out a couple more times or I will in a few minutes, because I fucking can, maybe I should try to make a noose out of my old church ties or something. Ha like I’d be able to, fuckin idiot dad charges his fone while an emergency can occur. Well, if I were to suicide, it would take him a fuckin week to find out they called to inform him that happened. Fucking moron, ruining my life. Maybe I’m overdramatic, maybe just shut the fuck up instead.
 Finally I think everything is going to change, and then shit has to happen, to piss me off, my mood is bad and I have angry thoughts of death, not just my suicide, but my dads sweet death. Anyways we all end up dying, you shitheads all will go to he’ll and I can’t write shit on here without inserting an extra o or g in every word cuz the buttons are tiny.
God I hate you and all you are is a fucking myth now. God is a myth just like everything else. A goddamn myth like the Greek fucking gods, like mayan beliefs, and like everything else. Bullshit, today at school, my math teacher got angry at us again and my PE teacher made us get our asses kicked by the other classes. We watched movies at the end of the day and as I was thinking today was kinda nice my car won’t start, ruined the day.
I looked in the mirror and thought who’s that ugly shit there. Especially after I heard my mom tell me I look like my dad, it pissed me off. God I hate life, I always did, even when happy, I was thinking I should kill myself hopefully get reincarnated.

4:07 PM 
Dad came finally and I drove home luckily. I can’t believe he never answered. But whatever, got my car, even though it has low battery. Dad should carry an extra phone battery so he is ready for emergencies, but whatever.

10:22 PM 
Just got outta the shower. Nice hot shower, choked out in there, and feel better. My habit is sticking to me again, but it’s not as bad. I lost the 5 second high, as I like to call it, back then, and I don’t know if it’s back. Let me check… It’s gone, but the rapid spasms if muscles and stuff is there and the short term memory is back, too. Literally took me about a minute or half of one to remember what I was doing. Dad kept checking in, about 4 times already, but whatever. I want to see Jasmine, and somewhat alex. I want to kick their drunk dads ass, but he would be too strong for me. I want to see Lizzie, but she lives too far away, thinking of breaking up with her, because long distance relationships are stupid. 

May 18th, 2010 7:44 PM
Just drove to school. I had a weird and awful dream. I was at my moms new apartment and I murdered her and my stepdad with a fire axe. Feeling no remorse I told my brother to take the dogs and I went to clean the blood off the axe. I was looking in the bathroom mirror. Looking at myself clean the blood off the axe. In the reflection my head was still down ass I stared. Like an out of body experience. It might have been Rogue Shadow in that dream, because I can’t ever swing an axe on my mother. Then the dream changed, I was in my house, looking at a magazine. There was a picture of lesbian pornography, except one with a penis, but the caption said. “two women having sex … In their apartment.” I flipped through and noticed it had my life, apparently from the future. My brother pointed it out actually, but it had random peoples names, seemed like French women, who I would later date. It was weird, imagine a magazine or scrapbook of who you will be with, who you will marry and everything. Kind of weird dream. Im in the cold right now waiting for class to open. Alec was here right now, we talked about the murder dream part and yeah random crap. Anyways the evil and mean math teacher room is open and it’s warm luckily. I didn’t do the homework. So, what am I to do, I did half at least.

12:43 PM
Sitting at the end of lunch next to my friend Chad and his girlfriend in between us for some reason. Makes me uncomfortable with her so close, feel the need to hug her, but even though Chad’s pretty cool, it would be awkward with me doing that. Now, they both left, I am wondering what I am going to do. Nothing to do now, or even after school, all I’m looking forward to is the 2-3 minute drive home and that’s it. Maybe going to Oxnard with my mom and playing video games all day, and suicide project at night… Fun weekend, right? I sit here, the sun seeping through the clouds, and I chew gum listening to Linkin Park all lunch. Then, ima go to World History and then Spanish 2. Which I’m failing both classes.
7:25 PM
Just choked out. Head bobbed unconscionably and started drooling. I miss Jasmine so much. Want to hug her and hold her. But she’s my cousin and it’d be awkward and I don’t want to act like my brother, playing up close to her and stuff. Ugh! Stupid 11 year old… Jasmine, why’s she so amazing to me, it pained me to here her tell me all the lies her boyfriend told her. Ugh, I hate that guy. And I envy him for not being related and being with her… Fuck, anyways I’m stuck in this fucking house with nothing to do. I wish I knew about anyone that might like me, but too bad life’s never easy. How come everything bad can happen in a second, but everything good takes years or months… Goddamn it, I hate life so much……. Oh shit, I’m depressed again… Oh shit, suicidal thoughts are back… Fucking shit!
8:36 PM
Just watched the movie “the experiment” a novel based movie by Mario giordano. Makes me wonder if we are an evolution of apes or whatever. Because that movie pissed me off, plus the stupid flies buzzing around because my stepmom loves their company near her nasty lil slurry whore crotch… Fuckin experiment was where a group of men assigned as prison guards and then prisoners. It was used to test human nature. Some dumbass black guy was crazed and made illegal acts to get the men to not uprise by scaring them. In the end, the prisoners fight back after a diabetic is killed after they rebelled. The ring leader escapes some sewer pipe used as containment. He helps kill a man raping a prisoner and then they ban together to escape. In the end the pla

9:10 PM
I’m done. Back to depression. I had ro reason to write a jounal this week, but now you see my decline. My decline in mood, my irritable mood. My need to mourn over the slightest misfortune. Fuck, now my dads reading children shit books from church. Of all days, why must it be today. Rapid change in my life and then it goes back to normal. I was happy when cousins lived with us. Now they’re getting farther and farther, every day they seem farther. I can’t drive there unless I want to get pulled over or lost or fall of the side of the road into mountain sides. I want to go to a shooting range, but no one will let me. Mymom doesn’t want to feed my frequent quest to fuel my hunger of weaponry and my dad thinks everything I like is caused by the devil. He lived in Mexico, where they used a rifle to shoot birds down and I never got to test it. I was 6 or seven, they shot the birds left wing. It still tried to fly, but I only got a glimpse because my 5 or 6 cousins crowded round the bird. I hate my life, it’s exhausting just getting up in bed, I get nervous around most people. I almost never can say the right things. I don’t care about myself. I go to school with a hat on and glasses and an I<3Boobies bracelet and a random pair of pants with my keys hanging off it, and a random shirt. On good (or whatever it may really be, because it's not good unless good things happen, so a normal day somewhat) days, I wear dark colors and on bad days… Actually I wear dark colors most of the time. I am not happy anymore. I tried to be, but smiling is annoying, how does someone keep a smile as their default expression. When I try to smile, my cheeks tense a tiny bit and half my face feels lifted and laughing somehow causes quick laughs. Ugh hate these days. I didn't do my essay for the value on life. Is it right to put a value on a life, and give compensation from a government for the death of a 9/11 victim. Instead human greed gets in the way. A human will exploit the weakness they had and love for the person and try to find the highest payout for the human life. It was an attempt to keep the lawsuits from happening and the people were so greedy. I hate humans even more, after a while the hatred diminishes and then it comes back after constant reminders cause us to hate each other and now I don't care for this topic. I lost interest. I wish I could print it out on here but instead I would need internet to put it on turnitin.com so we don't plagirise the essay. Oh yeah I forgot. Apparently my favorite sport Battmitton is officially another game on the list of games that suck at.

9:27 PM
I felt the need to cry after a few times of choking out. I immediately forgot why I wanted to cry. You know when ur tears pile up in ur eye and ur gonna cry I felt it then whent away. I mostly hope my heart with will stop as soon as too much stress gets put on my heart. Not yet I assume if ts even possible
I'm trying to remember the quote by Ryan smithson, but instead the words to be or not to be come to mind from hamlet. Kill urself or not. Kinda gay, dad showed me artemis without pagan watchtowers.

May 19th 7:07 AM
I had a dream last night. It's getting annoying with the end of the world crap and demon shit. But as I have a teenage mind, I wonder what giving oral sex to a female tastes like. My dream starts off in a room and I'm with a cute girl. We decide I give her oral and a acidic taste fills my mouth, now I realize it was my thirst for water. I don't drink enough water. I give her oral and then put my fingers in, that kinda stuff. Then it changes, I walk out and it's my back yard. My baby sister is there. There's a huge ditch. I walk towards it and see FBI agent Seely Booth from the show Bones. He is investigating both paranormal activity and a murder in that ditch. We gain the same perspective, 2 people 1 body and we notice silhouettes of 4 men in the tree (horsemen maybe). I look down and see nothing and I get a thought that it might be a trap. Booth also says it's a trap and he almost falls in. A man jumps in and gets attacked by a woman with long straight black hair walking at super speeds crablike and kills the man and comes for me and booth. We get pistol w/ flashlights and shoot it a couple times and switch to UMP45s w/ flashlights because it's night time. I notice my light is off so I turn it on. I fire at will and get a couple shots on her. I run and grab my sister and she says shes hungry. We sit in the garage. She opens my stepmoms fridge and gets a yogurt and is satisfied. I walk inside and see old people and my stepdad replaces Booth. I hear a disease caused by that demon lady called "five finger dead man syndrome" or something. So I grab my iPhone, glasses, and something else and go to my room and she's hooked to an IV and has a oxygen tank and stuff I tell her I'm going to the hospital. I don't understand why my mom is there. It freaked me out. I walk out and get to a subway. Cramped little one with a thing like in a park. That you roll across… Idk but it's like the rappel hook sort and I couldn't walk through so everyone had hologram shit and I trapped this girl to make out and what not and rappeled through using the ceiling to walk across holding onto the sliding rappel thing and I got through saw holograms of pretty girls on pyramids and saw people with ipads. I looked out to see Asians protesting against new technology and there's the Asians in the subway. Pretty weird dream…

9:00 AM
I got to present the Endocrine system today and I hope no one asks any questions for me. I'm gonna be nervous enough up there. I will speak about the functions and stuff. Today seems easy so far, but I'm more worried about English class, because my teacher assigned essays due today, and of course I didnt do it.
5:18 PM
I just stopped reading the book, a thousand pieces of gold, and got into it. It's a sad story, of rape and prostitution for a Chinese girl. Anyways, I am really yearning for tomorrow to go to my moms apartment and kill the time in my weekend playing my new game Red Dead Redemption. I really like the campaign and I got through 1/4 of it, but unlike my friends I can only play on weekends and I want to finish the game first.  Ugh, the anxiety is killing me. How come when you hear about someone helping someone else out, you can NEVER, EVER think they are being nice out of the niceness of their heart. I was reading the book mentioned above and the girl meets Jim, who's really nice to her and protects her at her master's saloon and he dies shipping supplies. It's the gold rush days and Charlie wins her at a game of poker and let's her go, after a couple 10 pages it got me anxious to find out what he will do. Will he die, will he betray her? It takes forever to get to the point. Or I'm a slow reader, probably both. Since it's set in the wild west and red dead is also in the west. It gets me extremely anxious to play it. And I have a painful headache and tired eyes and my neck aches too. Ugh, to top it off is my need to play video games right now with a good 21 hours left until I do get to Oxnard and play it…

8:24 PM
I have nothing to do, I hate life. At least tomorrow, we won't do a lot of shit for classes and ugh gotta make it to after school. Pick up the laptop from the apple store and get the fuck out of Thousand Oaks. Ugh, dads watching soccer game, what's up with those stupid games and why must I wait so long…
May 20th 2011 7:44 AM
I sit here and some kid who reminds me of me, probably the facial hair, glasses, and ugly face ha, walked by with his head down and a backpack on wheels and a duffle bag sorta. First thing I thought was," mentally retardation or depression." yet, I let him go about his business. Should have stood up and did something, ask him a question. Now, I sit here with the Alien Sex song or whatever. "Kiss me, K-k-kiss me, infect me with your poison…" that song and I wonder is it really affiliated with the Illuminati. My mom researches it every day and is obsessed with the illuminati. She said to me about a month or so ago and it was that the illuminati scientists are trying to insert human DNA and alien/demon DNA together for some reason and that could include normal sexual reproduction. So, infect me with your poison could reference to getting pregnant and kiss me, it makes me think of pick me. She also told me they try to brainwash children and what organization did/does that? Mcdonalds? And… Have you heard the term Nazi Youth. Yes, hitler and the Nazis are with the Illuminati.