I am praying for god to end my life for me

I knew that god is never fair but I didn’t expect that it can be unfair to such a great extent. It can grant a person happiness and send someone to hell. My life is a disaster to start with, from the day I was born, I was fated to lead a terrible life. I was born with physical disability, my left ear was deaf. But I didn’t placed that in my heart, I still have my right ear. Yet god didn’t let me off, it granted me a terrible childhood’s experience, this experience made me feels that I am a shameless girl and I have to keep it as secret till the day I die. Nobody will knows what happened to me, except the person who did this to me. 

Not that bad? Than what about the horrible skin problems that haunt me since young. I believed it’s inheritance. I have liver spots and uneven skin tone problems on my body, because of this I don’t dare to wear shorts. Now, god won’t let me off that easily, it officially declares me as an ugly lady by granting me skin problems on my face, from acne to acne rosacea since I am 13 years old. From head to toe I can’t escaped the torture of bad skin, even my fingers are not spared. My confidence, self esteem have dropped way beyond the level I can cope. I hate to go out, i hate to see ladies with good skin, I hate to look myself in the mirror. Pretty clothes, shoes don’t fancy me , what’s the use of getting them when I don’t have the abilities to wear it. Because of this, I have lost my motivation in life, I became unsociable, I lost my friends, I lost almost everything… My dignity, my happiness, my smile… Not enough, what about the addition of a sucky physical body that tends to perspires easily giving rise to an odour smell. I am in no way like a girl, what’s the use of having an “okay” features, my skin ruined my life. 

I used to have hope, I prayed to god, I saved money on food just to hope one day I can be cured. But it end up that god isnt there for me, doctors, beauticians are all heartless people who just wanted to take advantage of my pathetic situations. 

It come to a point that I have woken up from the sweet dreams, I can never turn into a beauty, my skin will never be cured, my confidence will never be back, I will live my life through hiding, afraid of stepping out. 

I have an intact family, a father, mother and an elder brother. So is god finally being fairer to me? Dream on. My family members do love me, but this family is a nut with shell but no fruit. Quarreling, fighting, police and ambulance came, endless cycle. Everyone staying together but living in their own world. I was the only connection to link them, I was blamed, I was middleman, I was relied on,  it is tiring, and I am losing the energy to move on. 

I used to be laughing always, joking around, to my friends, to my family members, but nobody knows I was acting, I cried when nobody is around. Recently, I have lost the energy to act, it was really tiring to try laughing, to act happy, I become depressed and is all shown out. I was confronted by my family members, “what happened to you, you used to be happy.” Used to???? It had never occurred to them that i was never happy, never confident. There are many times I really wanted to pour out all my feelings but I held back, no way will they understand how my skin problems had impacted me, how my childhood secret and family problems have killed me spiritually. Maybe they will only know when I disappear from this world. 

I knew my life is gonna to be in this way, I have tried so many methods to solve my skin and family problems over these years, I prayed to god, I did everything I could only to be disappointed, only to get further harms, only to be cheated. Now, I know nothing will help, nobody can save me, I wasn’t the most pathetic person in this world, I know but I am already dead inside, I am just like a walking zombie. I will not have a wonderful future, I will not fall in love, I will not have those wonderful experience that a lucky girl will have. 

I am having suicidal thoughts and I am ready to go at anytime, the only reason why I have held on so far is because of my family. Despite the fact that my family sucks I know that they loved me still, I don’t wish to end my life by myself because they will blame themselves for the rest of their life. So I prayed to god and I really hoped that god could hear me this time round, I prayed that it could helped end my life at least in this way, my family will be unhappy but will not live in guilt. Recently, while walking across the zebra crossing, a car came dashing over, i managed to hold back my mum and stopped in time, my mum said that I was lucky to stop in time, but I told myself that I am unlucky. I wasn’t scared of my life at that point of time, I am worried of my mum’s life, how I wished that car will run over me. Everyday, I am hurting myself, I hit myself on my chest, I scratch my wrist deeply, nobody knows and I don’t wish to hear those stupid stuffs like things will get better! There are something in this world that won’t get better! Just like me skin, my childhood experience, my family problems have haunted me for almost 10 years and they will continue to haunt me till the day I ended my life. I am really afraid, afraid that one day I could  not hold on and I ended it my own. Pls god, give me a present, end my life for me.