for the first 16 years of my life i was normal so i thought but for some reason sickness always found me and would keep me down the one person in the world who you would think would help me didnt. My own mother my creator who brought me into this world never thought for one second that maybe theres something wrong that theres a reaon why im not like everyone else instead she blamed it on me being lazy, too lazy to eat, too lazy to go to school, even thought that i was making myself throw up on purpose. it wasnt until but a year or two ago did they take me to a doctor who diagnosed me with the real problem, a disease called adrenoluekodystrophy thats all it was, a life threatining disease yes, but all i needed was some medicine steriods to help a certain part of my body after taking these steroids i began to feel better i culd eat walk and run just fine but still some other doctors at another hospital insisted on a transplant as the only way to keep me alive. and did my parents ever ask me wat i wanted to do? no they made all the dicisions for me and sed yes for them to put me through it. after a rough month in the hospital i was finally out but still could not go anywhere for i was too sick from medication. luckily i had someone ther while i was in the hospital a friend who ended up becoming a girlfriend my first one ever after 16 years of being alive i was happy and couldnt believe that it happened. but like all teenagers i had urges to do things these urges were only as powerful as they were because my cousin pressured me into porn so much that mastubation was a common thing not so common as to do it everyday but still something i did from time to time. now everyone says its normal and that everyone does it and in this age its not uncommon to have sexual intercouse underage so as all 17 year olds do i did as well only it didnt reallly count according to her because i did not “go in deep enough”. now this story isnt me feeling sorry for myself because all i want sex its much more. so after this action she thought i had impregnated her luckily it wasnt true but my mom had found out wat we did and thought that all she wanted from me was to get her pregnant and to support her which wasnt true im very much to blame for wanting to have sex as her. so after my mom found out she diecided to block off any and all communication i could possibly have with this girl now at the time i wanted to still have an intimate relationship with her but after a few months apart she dumped me over the phone. i was sad about this yes it was my first break up and i was the the dumpee it doesnt feel good but i still wanted to continue a friendship with this girl we tried but my mom insisted on ending the friendship as well. now this icouldnt understan i had no other real friends at the time so why couldnt i be friends with her but my mom didnt care. so after months of not being in school having no friends no facebook nothing i saw another doctor who specilzed in my disease who sayed that if we would of seen him first he woudlnt have suggested a transplant in the first place let alone mutiple. shortly after thid visit i was finally back in school i made it a goal to make as many friends as i could so after a while i did. I even moved on from my previous relationship and tried asking four other girls out hoping to find another girlfriend that my mother would accept, but the awnser for these four was the same every time, NO. i tried not to let i t get to me and even tried to remain friends with these girls and to this day iam as far as i knw and i have plenty of friends who like me for who iam. But still i feel alone no one knows what ive been through or the pain i felt physical or emotonal my family is my family they love me and i love them but how can i be ok with everything my mother did just because now she knows whats wrong so now she cant sit ther and yell at me and beat me blaming me for my problems now she thinks im ok with it just because im not as sick anymore. i may go around and pretend evrythings alright and im not mad and my abusive high standard seeking mother but deep down iam i dont know if ill ever forgive her for making the first 16 years of my life a living hell. now granted most of everything that makes my life fucked up now is my fault because i dont knw how to act because im still now sure who iam most kids in hogh school know who they are by this point but i dont thanks to my mom. i have friends and im thankful for that but non of them know about my disease or what ive gone through all i hope and pray for is for someone special to come into my life again who is willing to listen and understand what makes me the son of rage and love the metaphor i use to describe myself and my life if this explanation doesnt make clear what im trying to say look up jesus of suburbia and maybe u can imagine what im trying to say. my parents do work hard for everything i have and evrything iam thankful for but even having so many wonderful things running away from my pain is still a choice i consider and suicide is one of the only things i can consider to ending this story i like story with happy endings iif this one doesnt have it why keep living through the fucked up mistakes i make?
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Hello son of rage and love. It was long but I read all of it. I’m willing to listen to what you have to say. Let it out, I’m all ears or eyes. =P I’m here for you.
hey thanks wasnt sure if anyone would read or comment glad to see someone did and i left a few things out about why iam even considering suicide i guess the main thing is well feeling alone ther isnt too many ppl who actually knw wat ive been thru so its hard to find soemone who i can talk to and expect to understand
I’ll be your friend if you want to. You can call me Liz. btw I’m 20
hey liz u can call me david if u wish im 18 soon to be 19 and thanks i look foward to talking to u but for rite now im curious as to wer u live? u dont have to tell me im in arizona a small town called avondale very little excitement going on here all the mor reason to run away or even commit suicide having plenty of friends is great and having a supportive family is nice it still doesnt erase the painful memories of my past i love my family so it would be selfish and wrong to say i hate my mom for all the things shes done i dont hate her i geuss th emost i can say is im constantly mad at her even if i dont act like it anger is always in the back of my mind so maybe enough about me rite now wats ur story i dint read it not because i dont care enough but i dint read most of other ppls storys im still new to this site and havent been on here a whole lot
Hello David. It’s nice to finally know your name. I live in Manitoba, Canada. Really far from where you live. Don’t worry my town is dull and boring too. But you know I happen to love where I live. It’s beautiful here and it’s not actually like a city. I’m closer to nature. Yup.
I’ve only been a part of this site for around two weeks. I’ve deleted some of my earlier posts but there’s still some left. Well my story basically revolves around my inability to go to university because of money problems. I wanted to study art but now I’m not so sure anymore if that’s what I even want. I didn’t believe I was good enough to make it into an art school. So a few days ago I destroyed all my artwork in an effort to start anew and redefine my priorities. There were mixed feelings involved throughout the process of burning my years work. All the negative and positive emotions intermingled dangerously to the point I got overwhelmed and something just shut down inside me.
Things are alittle better today. I’m struggling to regain my feelings. I’m not ready to give up on hope. I still want to believe in life for the friends I made here. Thank you for asking about me, David. And thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope you continue to share more about yourself. I would like to help you in the best way that I can.
Do you see my post called ‘For All The Friends I Made Here’? Well that one’s for you as well, friend.
ahhh i read it all! im anna im 16 almost 17 i live in fredericksburg virginia its kind of country but downtown is beautiful. so historic. i dont know what i wanna do in life. i dont like my parent that much cause they dont understand me. i guess you could say im the odd ball! i too am here to help you to my best abilities:)
thanks anna im very much the oddball in my family the only one out of practically everyone who likes the things i do my friends all accept it and for the most part so do my parents but they dont see the anger behind it all and very much like ur name i can say too that im broken inside brokenhearted and crushed sprite for i dont really knw who iam anymor if u asked me wat kind of person iam i can tell u the basics of it but still hard to find the word to describe myself perhaps the biggest fuck up in the world or i geuss u can say the son of rage and love to make more sense of it well anna nice to see someone else interested in helping a helpless cause like me so wats ur story? and ill be here for u too in any way u mite need help emotional or otherwise
lets see ill be a senior next year im scared to graduate for i dont wanna experience failure anymore then i already have. i like to write but my stuff sucks. im so misunderstood its ridiculous. im outgoing and i have a bunch of friends but behind closed doors i feel so fucking lonely. i spend my night staring at the wall alone in the darkness just getting lost in my thoughts so i dont have to face this terrible place people call life.
im good at tolerating pain cause my parents used to beat me and my mom still does from time to time. im also developing a homicidal rage. whenever i see a person i see how pretty their neck is. i just wanna slice their jugular….aha sorry im a freak
ya i shuld have already graduated by now yet i havent yet i shuld graduate next yr as well tat is if the skool system wont give me a hard time about missing 10 days and im used to pain as well not only was i beaten wen i was younger but it was wen i was sick throwing up and weak from fatigue my mom still tries to rough me up a bit weneve ri try to disobey her or act like i dont give a shit which is mostly true i dont i dont seek approval from others unlike my mom who is a snob an has to be the joneses everyones trying to keep up with me personally i dont try to follow anyone nor do i care if anyone follows me they can if they wish but truthfully its better if they dont im not one to say any of the desicions ive made were rite or wrong and the friends i have are nice they talk to me in skool and everything and that kool but for some reason if i try to talk to them outside of skool they instantly claim me stalker just because i use facebook to get thier numbers also i geuss me being sort of new at least to these ppl not so much the skool cuz i went thier since freshman yr but since i had that transplant i was gone for a long time. i constantly wonder if thier my real friends or not or if they just talk to me cuz they dont want me to feel out of place and they arent trying to not make me have any friends, like with my birthday coming up we r having a party so i invited practically everyone i knew none of them have sed if thier coming or even acknowledged the fact tat its coming up, so now im wondering if the day of party will come up and then “surprsingly” no one will show up except family.. ao ya even tho i have i geuss wat u call “friends” i feel alone this is really the first time ive gotten these feeling out and told someone what i really feel. ive even been seeing a therapist to help me with my supposed depression but se doesnt help much therapist are all the same they just tell u tat suicide is bad and not to kill ur self and tat ur life really isnt tat bad and i knw theirs other ppl out thier suffering through emotional pain like me hell im talking to one rite now and i do feel for u and u too liz, but nobody it doesnt matter who they are can come up to me and say my life isnt fucked up well u knw wat thiers a lot of bad out ther and some ppl dont have the luxory of having a life they enjoy living so they dicide to kill themselves or they just simply decide to keep on living a fucked up life and deal with the constant emotional pain and loniness it brings. i feel the same homicidal feelings u were talking about only its wenever i see a couple together which for some reason now tat im single every other person on the face of the planet seems to be in a relationship but me which aggravates me im not saying i want everyone else to be single and me be the only person to be in a relationship but damn would it really be tat bad if i culd find at least one other person who wouldnt mind at least one date with my fucked up face before i seriously consider suicide?
I’m single and a… oh my gosh! A VIRGIN! 🙂 I don’t really mind it though. I’m focusing on getting an education first. Romance later. ^^
Glad you could share more about yourself David.
amen to that. i hate when people give me that bullshit there a lot of people worse off than you anna im like so because someone else feels shittier means i cant feel like shit. or the i can relate to what youre going through. sure you coukd relate but youll never be able to understand. iv missed a bunch of school. i think im at 30 days haha whens your birthday david? ill come to your party!
and liz its ok im a virgin too dear.. romance is dead
😀 haha I’m proud to be a virgin! I ain’t ashamed about it. Hey David I’d come to your party too if I could. Maybe even get my first date. 😉 haha
yes you should be!
I guess! haha =b … * about the proud thing =) *
Hey David, I’m Kyser. David is my dad’s name and i was always jealous of my bro cause he got that name.
Anyway, welcome. Communicating w/ the folks here has been a great outlet for me, and I hope u find it to be so as well.
If u don’t mind me asking, what is the prognosis for your Adrenoleukodystrophy?
Eh I’m pure and sweet. Mock if you want Cyclops. =P
ya liz im single too and still technically a virgin and it wuld be awsome if either of u come to my party its on the 11th my actual birthday is the 6th and adrenoleukodystrophy is a neurological disorder which in lamens terms means it technically makes me stupid and its true skool isnt my best subject im not ashamed of it i call myself a lot of demeaning names i mostly take as a compliment if ppl agree, like freak or demented,disturbed etc. and btw liz if by getting ur first date ur reffering with me well im flattered but maybe u shuld see wat i look like first look way younger than my age ive actually been mistaken for a 14 yr old,and if u werent reffering to me tats ok too im used to rejection by now. and anna 30 days of no skool? mite i ask why? i was out for months i think almost an entire year in total i was homeskooled for a couple weeks or a month or two. ya i want to focus on my education im taking it a lil more serious now than i did before finding out about my disease still having a relationshp would be nice everyone else is in one and they all seem to be doing fine balancing the two. and also anna u culd totally come to my party as long as u dont mention to my parents how we met they dont knw ive discovered this website i think if they knew they would think im having serious depression issues and possibly put me in one of those clinics to stop me from hurting myself ive already had tat talk because i actually used to cut myself only on the hand out of anger and sadness, rage and love i geuss u can say, my parents got all concerned they took the knife i was using away after tat i tried to find other things i could use but it dint work the knife was the only thing tat would make me bleed without causing aggravating pain which is why im not entirely set on the decision as to commit suicide or not. so anna if u wanna come down for a visit i would be more than happy to see you as long as u can find a way to get to my house and we can talk somewhere possibly without my parents knowing would be nice if u think of a way tat tats possible let me knw i culd give u my address or any info u would need to make tat possible i think it would help greatly to talk to one of u in person. if anything i culd meet u at my friends house instead we can talk there and figure things out on how to send u back home if we need to. so ya anna let knw if u actually serious and we can maybe figure something out, so far im having a great time talking to all of u and i think this site will help in some small way
David I was referring to you actually. You’re very nice. Also, people occasionally mistake me for an 11 year old or a really cute boy. It’s funny I laugh about it with my mother whenever that happens. Once I was ordering food at a restaurant and the waitress said, ‘Onion rings for the little girl’. Onion rings, greasy and maybe not good for your health but it tasted so good. :] Another time was when I was checking in at a hotel with my mom and the desk lady decided to give us a discount because she thought I was an 11 year old girl when really I was 17 at the time. <3
So yeah it's good to know that this site is helping you. I wish I could make it to your party but I can't. I don't have the money to travel that far. Happy birthday in advance. 🙂
i just lack the motivation to go to school anymore thats all
well thanks anyway liz for the happy birthday thing and also saying u wuld go on at least one date with me i dont see myself as tat much of a bad person idk why some girls judge me so quickly before getting to knw me and then they just reject me. and my parents have actually been planning a road trip going from california all the wat through to oregon washington to canada i have my passport so idk if tats on the side wer u live but if it is and i actually do go up ther it wuld be nice meet up talk get to knw eachother a lil bit more and in some way have a first date i wouldnt mind. o ya and anna i kinda feel the same way i try to do good enough in skool to graduate but at the same time i dont see the point in trying hard i continue to try my best but idk why i geuss i just want to graduate but after that idk wer to go i knw college and everything but after skool i dont really see myself having a job anytime soon especially since my parents want to put me on disabilty and have me recieve checks they even want to get a lawyer cuz they say i cant make my own desicions which is partly true in somewhat irresonsible but im not ashamed of it i can be responsible when it matters im not some boring stick in the mud like my mom. anyway ya considereing just how little i look i mean im short and also idk wat it is about my face tat makes me look like im 14 but in some ways it comes in handy like getting movie tickets at a child price which is a lil embarrassing but i try to ignore it. so anyway liz if our paths ever do cross u still happen to be single and experiencing problems maybe we can try this for real. also just thanks again for saying wat u did it puts a lil bit of a smile on my face just good to knw ur not a snooty ***** who thinks shes too good for me which u probably are in truth because let me tell u i may be worth one date but idk if im worth anything mor than tat so far i dont see myself in having the future i would want why should i i dont deserve it
You know that would be awesome if you and I could meet up and talk. Whereabouts in Canada are you traveling to? If it’s not in Manitoba then it would be impossible for us to meet. Actually I’m not comfortable in revealing where I live. Nothing to do with you or anyone here, don’t worry. And I’m glad you would consider a first date with me, even to try it for real someday. Thanks. The other day I got rejected by X-Boy, haha. Boo. 😛
Honestly I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone to be an intimate partner. idk I’m not that into sex or romance. I think I’ll just be boring in bed, I’d probably just lay there in the missionary position looking like a deer caught in the headlights. I wouldn’t know what to do! ^^
Oh, I’m not stuck-up or anything like that. No, no, no. My friends tell me I’m sweet, too sweet to be sad all the time. Another calls me a silly goose (the dude that rejected me). =P Well he’s a silly heartbreaker ha.
I’m short too. Standing 5’3 tall. Or was it 5’2? Nah. I’m flattered when people think I’m a tween. That’s one way to keep my youth, but idk I don’t believe I’m that cute or even pretty. When I say I’m beautiful I think of my good traits and qualities, not my appearance. Meh I don’t have much of a low self-esteem. I just wish I was back to being 100lbs. 120lbs is too heavy for someone my height. So I’m alittle on the plump side, not necessarily fat. Does that put you off?
David, everyone deserves a future. A “happy ending” if you may. Don’t put yourself down man. You’re young. Still got time to fill your life with all the things you want. I believe you can do it. Don’t give up. Look at me I’m 20, in July 9 I’ll be turning 21. Yup. Too old for you huh. But I think I’m still a baby because I haven’t really gone out and seen the world. You know I used to have issues about growing older. It started when I was 14 yrs old. I would hate it whenever my birthday came up. You could say each time I grew one year older and I still haven’t done the things I wanted to do, it made me feel like a failure. Although there are feelings like that bothering me still, I haven’t gotten over it completely. But hell no would I wanna be 60! 🙂 Anyways it was nice talking to you. Sorry for the insanely long reply.
its ok did u see my last couple of replys i thot i would annoy u guys with it i actually find it humorous u put urs into paragraghs instead of one long sentence and its ok its better if u dont knw all that much i do knw a lot of things about sex and foreplay and all that stuff in a way im a lil ashamed to knw so much especially since i started learning all of this at a young age mostly because of peer pressure i geuss its like if u dont know about sex by the time ut like 15 ur uncool. and we wouldnt have to try sex rite away if we started dating im not looking so much to rush rite into that not in my next relationship. and its ok if u dont want to give me specifics of where u live im not a creep or anything but still i understand, also u knw if we ever did try sex we could try all the things i knw but we can go at ur pace im in no hurry to try everything ther are some things i knw about that some people find sexy tat i just find gross and disturbingwe prbably wouldnt do any of those unless u want to =P and i actually hace a friend who calls me that or i used to call her that she lives in florida so i quickly realized that a relationship couldnt work she never sed she wanted to be in one but still she made it sound like she wanted to be so i just had to stop talking to he like we wer in one and talk to her like a friend because it would be wierd if i actually got into a relationship at home and im calling some other girl these nicknames and saying i love you to her (only as a friend) and u r sweet i can already tell and its great ur taking that rejection so well ive pretty much gotten over my past 4 rejections in a row getting rejected 4 times in a row kinda stings and i bet if i would kept asking every girl i knw or in the entire skool the rejection would just keep coming heck i could probably start a record at that skool of being rejected mor times than any other guy kinda sad but for some reason id be proud of that record =P wow 5’3 eh i think im 5’5 or something like tat its weird cuz everytime i would go to the hospital and they would check my hieght it would change from 5’5 to 5’4 to like 5’3 i geuss cuz i do slouch a lot and not like a humpback but i try to do that kool slouching thing u knw lean up against the wall and stuff never works on girls at least not for me i geuss it doenst work when ur short cuz ppl wil just think ur standing up straight =P ya its funny but my LIL brother is actually somewhat taller than me which im just like wtf? and hes a lil on the chubby side im skinny not like bone skinny but slim still i wish i was 120 lbs i think im like 116 or so its too hard for me to gain wieght and i certaintly dont work out anymore which muscle isnt that big a deal for me anyway i just wich i was a lil mor toned. and u being 120 lbs does not put me off at all i try not to be shallow and judge girls by thier looks wieght or things like their boob size i respect women so to me looks dont matter too much but u knw still iam human so i can see a girl and just go eww which sounds messed up and it kind of is but u knw im just a man. and i knw i deserve a future i want one but how can i have a real adulthood if im just gona live off of disablity and social security before im even 60? which is why i would consider running away start new somewhere if i could actually learn how to play the guitar good my music career could take off if i could find some other ppl as deranged as me =P. so ya i guess 21 would be too old tats wat i was afraid of even tho im 18 and of age and everything it would still be like ur dating a kid especially if ppl saw us together they would probably assume ur my mom or something so i geuss it just couldnt work even if i really really want it to cuz i think ur totally worth it u probably wouldnt which is ok.
i feel like a freak cause im taller and younger than everyone. im 5’7
whoa anna did not knw that and no offense to u but i almost hate when ppl are taller than me especially girls tho cuz if theres a really cute girl whos taller than me it just makes me feel short and like im still a kid and it makes me feel inferior or sumthing im sure u wuldnt make me feel tat way wat i find wierd is tat when i was in the 7th grade and pretty much every grade since then u always have these guys that are 6 feet talll before thier 17 and im just like wat the hell why am i so short? cuz most girls like tall guys and im not i geuss that explains why girls dont like me not to mention my other flaws
yea ill be 17 and im just a bunch of tall awkwardness
Wow you really got me nervous talking about having sex with me. I’m such a ninny I’m actually shaking. =P But seriously, I’m not joking around. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that kind of stuff. Sorry, I’ll just step back now. You’re not the first guy that I’m… uh, “running away” from. There’s been others. It’s just that I feel very insecure to even get involved in a relationship with someone. Thanks though for assuring me that you would let me go at my own pace if we ever did… you know.
And for X-Boy rejecting me, we were just joking with each other. He’s a good friend of mine. You’ve seen him around the site I assume, he’s always popping up when you least expect it. Funny guy. 🙂
It’s cool that you’d be proud of setting a record of being the most rejected dude. ^^ Nothing to be ashamed about. Those chicks are blind to see how great a guy you really are.
Your repies are so long and yes I’ve noticed how you don’t paragraph yours. It doesn’t annoy me at all. While I’m reading your replies I sometimes lose my place and I think ‘Darn, I swear this guy is doing this on purpose’, and you are! 😀 haha
T_T Oh no, I don’t wanna be seen as a mom! That’s harsh dude. You made me feel O.L.D.
Btw I have two older brothers. One is 27 and the other is 22. The one who’s 27 has a girlfriend who is 6 years younger than him, and they’re expecting their first child and pretty soon are going to get married. Just me becoming an auntie makes me feel even older. Don’t you think it’s weird that people think it’s all right for a man to date a woman younger than him? But they strongly disapprove of an older woman dating a younger man. Huh, society… -_-
“Lâ¤VE KNâ¤WS N⤠Lâ¤W” – This is something another friend of mine here declared. He is known as Biscuit of Death. He’s super smart and he’s good at arguing a point and making a point.
Running away sounds good. I would do that too if I had the courage or hated my town enough but I enjoy living my life in my birthplace. Whenever I get sad the place I run off to is the graveyard. It’s kinda my safe place, and my older sister is buried there. She died when she was still in my mother’s womb. An unfortunate miscarriage. Sometimes I wish it was me instead of her.
It’s great that you’re interested in learning how to play the guitar. I bet you would make good music. I’d definitely buy your albums. :] I always wanted to play the cello as a hobby. Maybe someday I’ll take up lessons.
Thanks for thinking of me as Whatsername. Man, I wish I was 5’7.
5’7? what a freaak
Btw hi Anna, everyone! I can’t stick around to chat. So bye and take care!
Goomba! waaazzaaa, yeah we should all get together and learn how to play an instrument and start a band
oh im so sorry liz i wasnt trying to make me u feel uncomfotable tat totally came out wrong sorry, and its ok if u decided to run away for any reason although im sure seeing my face wuld send u running for the hills. and im sure thers nothing for u to feel insecure about i may not knw wat u look like and everything but still after talking to u for a while and getting to knw wat kind of person u are makes me imagine tat u r cute and probably devilishly sexy =P ya its just hard coming back to skool after being gone so long and im just this new kid that nobody knws even after being back for as long as i have thers ppl tat barely knw me thier just like wats ur name? david who? im like really im here i talk all the time im outgoing and everything i just dont get it. and sorry tat these replies r so long i geuss u can say im talkative in a way sometimes i culd just talk and talk most of the stuff i say is really dumb and doesnt make much sense sometimes its funny but still i could see wahy some ppl ignore me. oh and im so sorry i wasnt trying to make u feel old ur not trust me im just saying cuz i look so little and if anything u would be a young superkool sexy mom that ur kids’ friends would have a cush on sort of thing xD ya i society prevents me from doing so much u knw to protest against it u and me shuld totally start dating huh? huh? jk i knw i wuld totally date u just by how kool u r and how much of a good friend u already are to me but if u wouldnt want to date me cuz im too young and ur against it tats ok i dont blame u it would be like ur dating a 14 yr old or at least it would seem tat way and if i was 14 tat would make me the luckiest 14 yr old ever im sure some guys would be jealous. ya running away is something ive considered countless times there were several times i almost did it got a suitcase ready and everything but i couldnt because i dint knw where to go or exactly wat to do, i knw now tat if i did i would probably go to canada to see u, idk if i would stay there especially if u dint want me to i knw ur having money problems so i wouldnt want to burden u with another mouth to feed i would probably just go ther visit u and then just see where life takes me id take my guitar with me maybe find a teacher learn how to play so i can actually play good and start writing songs again i actually used to i wrote a few a long time ago but i threw them away they sounded good when i first wrote them down but after a while and i still couldnt play the guitar that well it just felt hopeless so i just got rid of them. and my lil sis almost died she was premature so it was hard to keep her alive at first but she somhow stayed alive she actually turned out to be the one who they got bone marrow from for my transplant she was a perfect match, she has the same diseast i have cuz its genitic except in girls they dont really experience symptoms thier just carriers so when she has kids they will have it and so will mine, which is kinda why i dont want to have kids like ever i want my kids to have a completely normal life and wat if the disease hurts them mor than it hurts me makes them well u knw “special” and they have to be put in special ed im kinda in special ed but i barley need it, im not trying to say those kids are stupid and dont deserve sympathy they do and i feel bad for them when i see them around skool luckily most kids r nice to them all my friends are wer all in band and u knw everyone in band is a nerd so i geuss tats why, nobody reallty bullies them but still my friends are the only one that accept them into the group if they want to talk with us other kids dont really aknowledge when they talk like me freshman yr i had friends who i thought were friends but really they just made fun of me behindmy back and i knew about it but making friends was hard back then and i wasnt the kind f person iam now ive changed a lot over the last couple of yrs mostly in a good way, at least tats wat i think i pretend im still the same for my moms sake, but sometimes she pisses me off and it brings my dark side out which is why i dont let her hit me anymore she tries and i try to block sometimes she hits me at the same time im so used to the pain and constant beating i still feel it, i just knw wats its like to feel unloved by everyone even ur own mother which mite not be true i mean she sed she loved me wenever she wasnt beating me but seeing all the hate in her eyes just hurt me on the inside it made me hate myself i felt like it was my fault wen it really wasnt. anyway ya my grampa is the one who got me into it he plays guitar and piano and hes really good i used to take lessons at my skool but then i switched skools in band i play baritone and trombone and i used to play trumpet but tats wen they switched me to baritone. and ur welcome i was just thinking cuz its funny tat u and me both like tat song and it just so happens to be about a boy and a girl, also has drug reference but idk if u do drugs im thinking about it im really close to taking up smoking i dont want to cuz i knw its bad for u but still its the only outlet i can think of even if it is hurting me, also the beatles and some of the greatest band of all time did it and they were geniuses, i find it funny tat almost all of my favorite bands and stuff were all potheads xD their must be something in tat stuff tat gives u the ability to write great music. oh ya an liz if u were 5’7 well then it would be really wierd if we started dating u would be a few yrs older than me (and still young dont worry) and way taller it would look funny. and u knw wat if i do run away somehow be able to play the guitatr really well and start writing songs again and they actually sound good and u learn to play cello (which by the way is exactly like bass almost its just upright tats actually wat they call it in band) then liz u could be on bass X-boy u could learn to play drums or the bagpipes idk why i just always thought it would be kool to have a band with bagpipes a lil silly i knw so u dont have to do tat but ya we shuld totally start a band and anna u could be in it too we’ll get u to play something and we could even call the band the suicide project in deication to this site since its where we met unless its copyrighted but ya it would be kool and sorry again liz for the bodaciously long reply hope u read it all but u dont have to.
i was kiddin’ bout the freak thing, haha. i guess im insecure about … giving the wrong impression. =p laters
@X-Boy – Don’t be insecure about something like that. I’ll always like you. <3 You're my friend, with the sexy physique of a warrior. May the force be with you.
haha may the Force be with you too Umbra. So watchu been up to? Me, just the same ol’ thing, everyday is the same for me ha. Now im just sittin here watchin Cowboy Bebop.
@son of rage and love – David, I read all of it. Thank you for the gracious compliments. I wonder what exactly did I do to make you like me so much that you would even consider going out with my sorry self. I’m warning you for your own good, I’ll only disappoint you. Currently in life I’m being selfish and my only goal is to go to university and not have to work at pleasing a lover. To be honest I don’t get why so many people are desperate to find “true love”. I’m not all that crazy about it. I just want to be able to stand on my own two feet and make enough money to get by. There’s nothing I want more than to be happy and for my friends to be happy. That’s all I want and if it doesn’t happen and all my friends die one by one then I will kill myself. I’m living for only me and my closest friends. Now David this is not a bitchy rejection. I’m just not up to having a relationship with anyone and I don’t think I ever will. Thank you for understanding.
Also I don’t want to lose my innocence. My purity is something special to me and I imagine losing it would be devastating to my psyche. How’s that for being too virgin sweet?
I’m sorry that you’re a victim of abuse. My family never hurt me in any way. They’re very supportive of my decisions in life. And yeah I know about how drugs can bring out the creative genius in some people. I listen to Lady Gaga and I heard that she’s also a pothead. Meh. I don’t do that kind of shit.
I never want to have children. That’s one of the reasons why I’m not entirely interested in starting a relationship with anyone. When I think about it all I see is couples having sex, getting married and reproducing, growing old, etc. Boring.
That’s a great idea at how we all should form a band called ‘Suicide Project’. X-Boy especially, no, everyone would love to be able to meet each other and talk in person. I know I’d want that for all the friends I made here.
Well that’s it. Later. Maybe another time.
Not much X-Boy. Just wandering around here. And I’ll be going to bed soon. You know I’ve woken up shivering for two times in a row. Cold nights and cold mornings for me. -_-
try to warm up =(
i read the comment right above that last one you left. We’re very similar.
how is this university thing going?
well your welcome liz and idk wat u did either ur just a really great friend and something about u im just drawn to liking, so u would dissapoint me? i figured it would be the other way around if we ever did date, u wanna succeed in life u wanna go to skool an dbe able to support urself, me well i wanna do good enough in skool only so much as to get by i want a job and all that at the same time i cant find a reason to keep trying enough i do but very little. and i see what ur saying by “true love” not being that big a deal and self empowerment and relying on urself to get by and tats great, but still u dont always have to go thru everything alone ther are ppl willing to help u and stand by ur side friends or otherwise, and its ok i geuss i rushed too much into saying i want a relationship from u when tats the one thing ur not really looking for i geuss its my fault and im telling u this for ur own good u cant possibly dissapoint me or any of ur friends here if we ever tried a relationship all i can say is tat it would be a mistake im not worth it for anyone to seek a lover with whom they can rely on and be ther for cuz i may not always be here this disease is killing me slowly but it is no matter how badly i want a normal life or a normal future i will never have a normal relationship with anyone the way i see it my disease would only slow u down from wanting to get the things u want wat with my medication and hospital visits evey three months im 18 and cant even drive yet and the longer i stay living here the longer ill wait before being able to drive and get a job just be here letting the ppl who hurt me make all my decisions for me. u knw its ok if u dont want to lose ur virginity sex is great and all but its not something everybody needs to have some ppl live thier entire lives without it either by choice or because thers no on willing to go with them, so far iam and dont see anyone coming up willing to anytime soon or at all. ya i geuss to some ppl sex marriage and entenal love is boring haha its kool if ur not tat into it. ya starting a band would be kool with u all. anyway im not mad for u rejecting me like i sed ive been rejected four times in a row already adding a 5th wont change anything itll just add another girl to my list of rejections for tat record im trying to set. well liz all i can say is i hope u get wat it is ur looking for in life and ill always be here as a friend for u, just a friend tat happens to think ur cute and still wants to go out with u but knws he never will tats ok im happy as long as we remain friends. and btw liz hopefully any future replies wont be so long and maybe ill decide to paragraph them next time, maybe.
David you are so sweet and understanding. I am relieved that you didn’t take that ‘rejection’ personally. I was afraid I’d have a dude hating my guts for not being his girl. Sorry about that. I’m glad we’re still friends, and yes I would still go out on at least one date with you, not because I don’t like you, I do. I’m just complicated. Idk it’s hard. I’m gonna disappear for a few days. Maybe someday I’ll pop back in randomly. But I just wanna go now and leave for awhile. I’ve been feeling stressed out lately. Too many problems in my life at this moment. I need to breathe and figure things out. You could say I’m heading down the boulevard of broken dreams. Later.
PS When I talk to you, the desease you have is always at the back of my mind. It’s you I see, not your illness. As it is with all my friends.
thanks, and im not mad at u im not gona force u to be my girl like i said i want a gf but at the same time i dont see why i deserve one. btw thanks for saying u wuld still go on at least one date with me u dint have to say tat but thanks. 🙂 also all girls all complicated a girls life is a lot more complex than a guys and im not being sexist or anything im just kinda glad im a guy cuz girls are somewhat high maintenance they kinda have to be in order to keep looking so cute (like you). and i hope to see u back soon and hopefully u will read this, btw i like the reference u made to that song i like that song as well i dint knw u liked that band idk if u like them as much as me but still tats really kool makes u all the more kooler. and thanks at least u dont see me as disabled or anything thanks ur a good friend thanks a million and one fucken times.(oh and PS if u dint notice the million and on fucken times thing was in reference to tat song i posted)
Argh! This was so many pages back! :] Gurlz rule! Thank you David.