Oh to see what I’ve seen…

So I’m back here again…

I thought I was done, and to be honest i do feel better than i did a week ago but i still feel stupid.

Stupid for telling my mom the facts of my past. stupid for letting her know i was, at one point suicidal,… (and still have tendencies at times)… i knew she wouldnt understand, i dont know why i told her. stupid. but she doesnt have to understand and i finally realize that my life is better as a secret unto myself. a mystery to be beheld by few. much has happened since i told her for that was months ago, but the scars linger. and many firsts came after.

first addictive taste of nicotine.  first real kiss with a girl. first kiss… with a boy.  second kiss with an entirely different boy, a three hour scandalous scene…( as my friend said my lips  hit the ground running.) first kiss with the girl a part of my heart has always loved, she does not feel quite the same. i dont know what to make of my feelings as these people leave me next year…

A word of advice: you know that one secret that you have promised yourself never to tell anyone… well do yourself a favor and do just that. once you cross that line you won’t know where to stop.

secrets are a gift. thoughts are a gift. we don’t have to say what is on our minds.

if i did my family would disown me… well maybe not but i don’t want to test my theory.

sexual feelings toward persons of the same gender is discouraged greatly. and even i do not fully condone the actions but cannot seem to stop myself.

im graduating high school next wednesday. but already i feel tired of a life without the bond of institution. how i managed to convince myself not to go directly to school is beyond my comprehension at this moment. oh to know what to do with ones self. that would be a pleasure befitting an angel.  the world is ugly and i fear i know too much already but still need to learn more. as if i could possibly become more jaded than my meager 17 years have already allowed.

“oh to see what i’ve seen, see what i see…”