I guess I should do a little introduction..
I’m a 16 year old female, but despite my age, I’d like to say I’m more of a mature soul.
I joined because I’m sick of feeling like this. I’m sick of waking up in the middle of the night, clutching my chest, because my heart just feels so gone. My chest feels like it’s empty. Every one I have ever known has stolen a little piece of my heart day by day, and now it’s gone. I want to know I’m not alone, I’m not the only person that feels like this. I need something, someone to convince me I’m not that ‘psychotic freak’ people tend to say I am. I want reassurance that it’s not just me.
I blame nobody but myself for my problems. I know I can’t control what family I was born and raised into. But somehow, I figure it’s all my fault. Honestly, I couldn’t harm a fly. I couldn’t harm anyone for that matter, except for myself. The one good thing I can say about myself, is I always understand. I’m a very caring individual. I don’t anyone to suffer the way I do. No one deserves to feel like this.
I think a lot of people underestimate the feelings I go through. I know my dad’s typical response is, ‘Oh you want to off yourself because of so and so?’ It may be different for you, but this for me is a result of a lifetime full of hurt. It took me a long time to get this way, and I don’t know how anyone expects depression to be a quick fix. My parents don’t realize why I feel the way I do. They expect to put me on meds, and put me through a few weeks at a hospital, and expect me to be cured. To be cured of all those memories. Those invisible scars they have left on me throughout all the years that just eventually grew and grew.
Sometimes, I feel like it’s time. It is just time for me to go. I feel like I’m a dog. Just put me out of my misery. It’s torture being alive. I wish God would realize it. How much it hurts to breathe. To look at myself in the mirror. To see what a mess I have made of myself. I just truly think it is time.
9 comments
First thing I’d like to say is you are NOT a psychotic freak. What you’re feeling is completely natural. I believe everyone feels this way, they only deal with it differently. Most people are just ashamed to even admit it.
My depression was also a result of years of verbal abuse and being alienated. So my self esteem isn’t the best.
I hate looking myself in the mirror , even go as far as dressing up in the dark because I just don’t want to look at myself at all. Emotional and mental wounds can’t be just fixed and healed over night, it is an ongoing day to day process.
You’re definitely not alone when it comes to experiencing what you’re feeling and thinking.
Thank you.. It’s hard. When I look in the mirror, it hurts so bad. I always tend to just tear up a bit.
I hear ya, they are days when it’s harder than others. And some days are so unbearable that you don’t think you want to even get through it and quit, I been there too. I am still having those days. It’s just a little too often now than usual in my case.
What you described in your post also sounds like you had an anxiety attack too, I am not a doctor, but when I am so stressed and panicking I get that hollow feeling in my chest too.
Hang in there. I am trying to do the same.
Thank you.. It is just so nice to know someone gets it.
you are not alone…
You’re not a psychotic freak. Trust me, I know exactly how you feel- maybe a little too well. The emptiness, the never-ending sorrow, the torture. You’re not alone, I live with it every fucking day that passes by.
But recently, I’ve learned that apathy is the greatest weapon when fighting against life itself. Once you stop caring, nothing can hurt you.
Honestly I started to cry while reading this. You are not alone, nor are you a ‘psycotic freak’. No one has the right to say you are. You’re parents should really care more because they will regret not caring. I send you my best wishes and love. <3
Thanks you guys.. (: I do appreciate it.
God loves you so much 🙂