A child again

a thought came to me when I was in the bath just now. I wish I was a child again. I have more courage then. I didn’t stop to think whether I will succeed. I just want to die and i did wat i thought will kill. no worries or thoughts of my family suffering. everytime i decide to give myself time, to try again, i only end up hurting myself. im so tired of trying. so tired of pushing myself. so tired of hurting myself. i do alot but they are never enough. i try to smile, act happy but inside i cry and no one knows. they think im weird and they dont want to talk to me. so sad i cant even find someone to talk to. why am i weird? why cant they understand me? i feel so lonely and helpless. im drinking again. i shouldnt be. but i am. it comforts me. no one bothers about me. even my own family stop talking to me. the world is a whole joke. my life is a bigger joke. i used to hold out for my family,my mum.i know she will be heartbroken. now i honestly think maybe she wont. she will be sad but maybe not much. she thinks im weird too. look at me like y am i like this. i love her and i know i fail her. i dont wanna her sad. i wanna be good for her. im just too tired. even loving her is too tiring. feel like taking a dive, be free for once. i look at the buildings, at the sky outside my window, at the moon and i tell myself no, i wont die from such height, i need to go higher. if only im a child again…im sure i can jump. now i just need to drink more. lots more. dont think.