i hoped i wouldn’t see my 50th birthday!

i gave up my dreams to have a family to call my own….something i never had as a child. i devoted my life to a husband who turned out to be a stranger! having had no real career, as i was mainly a housewife….i am flat broke. my husband cheated on me 5 years ago, and hence treats me like crap….i have been diagnosed with major depression. i attempted to kill myself 3 times. i burn myself with cigarettes and cut myself to distract from emotional pain…..which is unbearable… whereas feeling my skin burn or bleed is far more tolerable and even feels good! there is no divorce in my country and annulment is something i can’t afford. in my country there is no job for women in their 50s…we are considered incapable! because my kids are all grown up, i am alone most of the time. i still depend on my husband for sustenance since we are still married, and because i have no other means. i am extremely lonely and i struggle to wake up each morning! every night i wish it were my last….when i open my eyes to a new day i feel terrible. i spend more time contemplating ways to die than to live. i am tired of going on…but i love my kids so much i don’t want to cause them pain! they are the reason i go on even if i so want to rest in peace! it is a constant battle with myself not giving in to what i feel will lift this horrible burden and take away my misery…..i can’t afford therapy and rely on booze to numb my pain and eventually pass out….this takes away hours of coping with life!…..