Since I was in high school I was in depressive states. I use to cut myself just to watch myself bleed. When I felt depressed I liked to feel the pain. I stopped once I began to see RD.
He was my HS teacher. Three months before my graduation we got involved sexually in school. It continued for now three years.
I would flirt with him before anything occurred by asking him if he missed me. He would say always you know that. Until one day he asked me what’s going to happen when you graduate? Are we going to grow apart? I was surprised and I liked what he asked. It made me think he liked me. So I responded saying well, you can always call me.
Eventually I gave him my number and we texted and what not. He asked me for some pictures. At first I told him I didnt think I should. He said he was JK I said okay but he asked again and I told him I thought you’re JK he said I am. I said okay. He asked again a little later and I did it and he sent back a msg saying I was JK!! And I said I don’t think so..
Long story shorter.
Eventually we had sex in his office. I graduated and we continued to see each other. I would go over his house a lot. I really liked him. To where I fell in love with him and he said he loved me too. A year later he left me and got back with his ex wife. He said he loved me but he had to do it for his kids but soon he would be leaving her. He said they slept on different beds. He didn’t want to be with her. I believed him. For two more years he kept saying soon. Soon. Soon. I would soon when? It’s been two years.
Three years all together. Today. A week ago, I told him to just be honest. I asked him, if you never had intentions of leaving her why did you make me believe you did? He said you don’t know that. I said then tell me what I should know! He wouldnt respond.
I went down to the school. He is now the principal there. We went in his office and I asked him to be honest. I asked him why he lead me on. He said we both lead each other on. I was confused. I said no I didn’t lead you on!? I didn’t lie to you about my feelings I didn’t tell you I loved you and left you for another fool.
I told him he lead me on. If he wasn’t planning on ever leaving her he shouldn’t of said he was.
So he began to tell me he did want to leave her but couldn’t until his kids were older and could understand the split. He said they were having problems psychologically. So he couldn’t leaver her.
But he loved me. And I was someone he wanted to have a relationship with in the future. He said he needed me to be his friend. I told him I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be your girlfriend. He said he wasn’t ready to commit to me. So I got mad.
Yeah, after three years of waiting for him of him leading me on to believe he was going to leave her he expected me to sit here and look pretty and say.. Yeah, okay. It’s okay. Go on. I’m not hurt. You lied to me but that’s it. No harm done right?
Well.. Uhm. NO! Are you stupid? How the fuck should I be feeling right now.
So I began to ***** at him. And I continued to.
I texted him asking him how is he not ready to commit to me after three years. If im the one he loved then why couldn’t he commit to me? When he wouldn’t answer the question and just ignore me I would get extremely upset. I sent the message more then 20 times to annoy the fuck out of him because he was ignoring me and he knew I hated to be ignored.
Finally this past Friday, June 8th 2011
He said things were not all that bad, I just didn’t get it. I asked him what! What don’t I get? He wouldn’t respond. So I started calling his phone. Non stop. He wouldn’t answer then shut off the phone on me. I got mad. And everything combined just pissed me off all the more. I texted him things weren’t going to end this way, he would see me soon. And I fucking hated him for leading me on for three years just to tell me he wanted to be just friends. I said he was a disgusting pedophile. And thats all he’s ever been. He was sick and I was disgusted by him. I hoped he rotted in hell. And I don’t remember what else..
But he messaged me saying
That’s why I want nothing to do with you
I will block you from my mind and my heart
Find someone who will appreciate you
I regret even having anything to do with you, move on
You’re not even worth me trying in the future
And then I cried. And cried. And replied saying oh Now I’m the one who’s not worth it, I’m the one who fucked with your head right, for three years. And more things I can’t remember..
I feel sad, beyond sad. I don’t wanna get up and do anything. All I think about is death. Cutting myself until I bleed to death. He completely drained me. I’m empty. For three years he lied he was never going to leave her. He never cared about me. He only wantd to see me when he needed sex. That’s it. He makes me feel like everything is my fault now. I can’t stop crying. He fucked me up. Because for three years I’ve wanted to kill myself but my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, when I think of the pain they’re going t suffer it breaks my heart. But not today anymore. They will get better and I will leave them a letter each expressing how much I love them and that I’m sorry but I’ve been too unhappy to continue.
I wanted to overdose on sleeping pills. But I don’t know which ones.
So I decided tonight when everyone leaves. I’ll go out to the garage and turn the car on. I’m not going to sit in the car. I’m going to close the garage and go behind the car and breath in all the CO.
I just need to know for sure that from the car CO is produced. So, I’m 100% I will not fail.
He’ll regret everything. Because this is his fault. All he had to do was be honest and he wasn’t. He encouraged me to believe something that was never going to be.
5 comments
I’m praying to a God I’m uncertain exists – right now – that you change your mind about tonight. Here’s the thing, love. He won’t suffer. He won’t regret what he has done to you. He will be RELIEVED that you are no longer a threat to his pathetic life. No more phone calls or texts to hide from his wife; proof that you were a crazy person; no more guilt. The guy is a typical cheater, telling lie after lie to keep you ‘in control’ – there is only ONE way to avenge the pain he has caused you, and that way does NOT include destroying yourself.
Honey, I don’t pretend to know you. I do know pain and the desire to make it stop at any cost. Leaving letters for your loved ones won’t help them; they will spend the rest of their lives in guilt, grief and, yes, anger. Anger at you for causing the hurt; guilt because they didn’t see it coming; grief simply because that is what we experience when someone we loves dies.
Please re-think this. Write as much as you can; pour it out on the page. Do you have any friends you trust enough to share your pain with? You are worth the effort; life is worth the effort. The pain of lost love does pass; death does not. You don’t believe this right now, but you obviously have love to give, and there are people worth sharing that love with. RD is NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE. I don’t know the rules of this site because I haven’t been here until today, but I see that one-one-one contact is apparently not allowed (by which I mean giving out personal information such as private e-mails or phone numbers), but I PROMISE that I will watch for you and talk with you here as much as you will allow.
Just live today, one more day. That’ all I’m asking of you, DrainedPrincess. You ARE a princess, a beautiful, amazing creation of the universe. You are worthy of life, of love and of so much more. Talk to me.
he’s not going to regret everything. just a little bit guilty and that’s all. he has used you since the beginning
it is your family that is gonna be devastated, not him
think carefully
u think that u dying is going to hurt a sick twat like that? i promise u now he will be upset for a week then carry on with his autocentric life, bangin his naive stupid wife and probably hitting on undergrads. there are two things you can do, 1 u could lead the most amazing life possible because deep down that man wants to know that your life would have been better with him, prove the fucker wrong, live an amazing life, fall in love and then watch the colour drain from his face as he realises that he doesnt have control over you and that he was just a small part of your life not the other way round, 2 you could sue the twat for paedophilia, take his money, throw him in jail and watch as his wife leaves him because hes such a disgusting freak and tells his growing kids that their father was “ill in the head” and that they shouldn’t ever go to see him. after all this sick bastard has done to you dont give him this final victory of you finally totally giving in and dying without him, you beat him because you deserve to win and he deserves to die alone and remorseful. look if you want a chat about it then just give me an email at lauriejohnson1@hotmail.co.uk and ill be happy to listen just please have enough respect for yourself not to give up like this, fight for yourself and i promise youll be happy at the other end of the tunnel.
RD never deserved you. Your family will not have their pain eased by a note. I felt that perhaps I could ease my loved ones’ pain by leaving them a detailed suicide note expressing my love, but no piece of paper will make them believe it’s okay. Because, as much as I wanted it, as much as you wanted it, as much as anybody on this site does or did–suicide is not okay. It does not help, it does not give you relief. It just robs you of the chance of ever being healed, moving on, loving someone else, having relief. Darling, you’re going to be okay. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not today, but you are, and all you have to do is hold out until then. Take care, you are beautiful!! Be safe. ♥♥
i agree with Frozenfrog on this one. and like everyone else who commented. RD did NOT deserve you, and your loved one’s pain will be so deep. think of them. suicide is a selfish act, i realized that. i tried, and failed. literally thank God. i am so happy im alive right now. Ill be praying