I often feel like I’m the only one that understands me or cares about me. It’s such an ugly feeling to feel like you are the only person you can rely on. Haha and it’s funny as hell when you are not even that dependable in the first place. I feel like shit constantly. Like a burden, a mess, a tragedy. I hate being so useless and helpless and pathetic. I hate when people who barely know me judge me.
My mother died in May and it’s been really hard for me cause I think of her a lot and I end up crying a lot. I miss her so much. She was the only person I could count on in my life. The only person I didn’t feel like a burden with. The only person I felt comfortable with and truly the only best friend I ever had. I promised myself I wouldn’t kill myself till she died and she’s gone now and I just don’t know if I should attempt again or remain as I am now in misery. Well things haven’t been so bad I guess. I moved to MS to live with my sister and it has been a lot more lively which is nice. I go out more and try my best not to let the anxiety and irritability get to me. I am my worst enemy and I stop myself from experiencing so much. I hate it. I hate myself. I hate how some people have it so easy and I hate how that makes it seem like I’m not trying hard enough. I am trying! To be the best person I can be. But that’s not good enough for a lot of people and I guess I understand that. I feel so below average as it is that @%$# those people who think little of me. Though blah I have been trying to form new relationships on line to make friends here but that’s not going so well. I don’t know if it’s the way I look or my honesty that scares people off. I know I’m not prince charming and I know I can be crazy at times (or a lot) and I want people to know me for who I am so it’s easier to weed out the superficial assholes who are just gonna step all over me and leave my soul to bleed. I don’t need bullshit from others because I have my own to worry about. Oh you think I’m ugly and I complain too much? Well fuck you. Do you really think you can’t say anything negative about me I don’t already tell myself everyday? You think you can haunt me better than I haunt myself? And then you say “Oh but we love him anyways!” what a load of BS. I don’t need or want tough love. I want people to let me be who I am and accept me for who I am. I am sick of people telling me I complain too much. Would they rather I be quiet and not say a damn thing? I’m so confused to what people want from me. I’m so confused as to why it’s so hard for me to meet new people. I dunno anymore.
I still wish I was dead everyday. I still feel like shit now and probably will for the rest of my life. I know life is hard and it isn’t fair! I know that! It’s so clear. I know that others have it worse but I don’t get how you telling me that will change me in anyway. Everyone suffers, some more than others. I don’t get how knowing others suffer worse will make your suffering seem simple or nonsensical. I’m just lonely and repressed and obsessed and full of shit. I guess. I wish I had more people to talk to at least. And I dunno do silly things with. Love, relationships, and all that. Meh. I say I don’t care about it but I don’t really mean that cause in the end of day in my darkest moments it’s what I think of most.
I’m an ugly ****** who brings everyone down around me. They say I need to do this or that and I just think what if I wasn’t here. Would they still think of those things? Hmm.
I read a lot of what others have posted here and it hurts. Makes me feel more miserable because there are so many people out there suffering. The world is such an ugly place that destroys a lot of lives. And a lot of people are not strong enough to pull themselves off the ground and get back up again. I often find myself being knocked down constantly and just lying there, not surprised. You get used to it. Anyways my ramblings aside I hope you all make your way through the terrible times and find greener pastures. ^^ I’m a cynical dork but I hate seeing others suffer. Only I can suffer! No one else. Haha. Hmm.
All the best.
Love Groteske
8 comments
You are a beautiful creation of God. Everyone is. You feel like I have felt. But you are beautiful. Inside and out. Try medication? It makes things more manageable. It won’t cure you, but it can help you clear your head so you can really think about life and the future, etc. without being plagued by obsessed thoughts of suicide. Counseling too. If one does what is asked in counseling, it can help. It could take a while to find the right counselor as well, but its possible. I came in here to see how to off myself, and I’m ending up trying to help people. Maybe that’s the point in here. Best of luck. <3
I don’t feel beautiful and I don’t feel like a perfect being could make such a big mistake as me. It’s silly really. God is all powerful and loving and yet he made me? He let’s me suffer? He watches me? And the excuse is free will so yeah I guess it’s my fault not his. Oh who can I blame now?
Sorry if I sound like a jerk, don’t mean to. I want to get counseling but I don’t want to take medication. I have been on them before and they make me feel so different. I know being sad is terrible but I am so used to it. I just need people to talk to that I can trust wont go tattle-telling.
But yeah I feel the same way sometimes. I guess it’s just easier to give advice to people who are in the same boat as you. Should we jump or ride out the waves? Sometimes I vote jump and other times it’s a game of wait and see. Maybe someone will come and save us but who knows. The future is so unclear and pretending like there’s gonna be life changing moment around the next corner is dumb. I am sick of feeling stupid. I am sick of letting others make me feel stupid.
Well anyways thanks for the comment. ^^ Best of luck to you as well. <3
That’s the thing tho, no one person is going to come into our lives and fix things. That’s not even how God works. We have to choose to work on it ourselves, and its a long slow process that hurts and takes a long time. Counselors are confidential, so they can’t tattle-tale. We have to work on our own stuff, and work hard, or nothing will change. Cognitive-behavioral therapy with a counselor – teaches you how to manage your emotions, how to think differently to change your emotions, and thus change your perspective. Like I said, it takes a lot of time. But if you don’t ever start the process, you can’t expect change to happen. And I mean “you” as the generic, not you personally. Just trying to help, and no, you didn’t sound like a jerk – you sound like someone really angry and sick of feeling like crap. Been there. There now actually. <3
I’m generally a nice person, but when people just plain act stupid..well..Don’t talk to people here about “god”. The last fucking thing people here need is false hope and holy shit if there was ever a gigantic source of that..it’s in religion. I’m not going to go into details but, THERE IS NO GOD! I’d think most people who have come this far in life would have realized that. Oh?? We have to help ourselves? Well then what the fuck good is god? Religion is full of so many contradictions, horribly illogical concepts and just plain fairy tails it makes your head spin. I don’t get how people can understand that the easter bunny is just a story and yet billions somehow take all the retarded shit in the bible as fact..it’s fucking pathetic.
@OneLastSunset- Trying to get religious fundamentalists to consider any opposing viewpoint is like trying to force a blind man to see. It’s probably not going to happen. They’re happy & content going through life in a delusional state.
As long as they’re not threatening to kill non-converts, they’re just another annoyance we all have to put up with. Freedom of speech can be a *****, but even “logically challenged” people have a right to express themselves.
@OneLastSunset- I love it!!! That’s exactly how I feel!!!
Why do you care what other people want or think of you? You are who you believe or want to be. Fuck them if they say other wise. Who are they to say anything about you? They are people who will be in life but for a brief second. They don’t matter.
I learned the hard way that the only one I can trust is myself, the only one I can rely on is me, and that only what I think matters about myself. They don’t define you. Who are they to tell you that you are less then what you should be? You don’t need to listen to their crap. If they don’t like what they see, then they can deal with it, put on their big girl panties on, and walk the fuck away.
If you need someone to listen to your rants or anything – lunaatnight@yahoo.com.
You can be for someone the person your mother was. You can have this legacy and have meaning in your life. It doesn’t matter what people think of you so long as your true to yourself and your beliefs. Most people live in suffering but they’re too afraid to show it. But that’s on them.